forgetfulness

My thoughts are vague, scattered. My Christian journey has been a lonely one recently, through various circumstances, and thus I struggle to keep my focus. Every now and then I catch a hint of understanding, a taste of it, but then my mind busily continues with its habit of forgetfulness. It seems rational to me that the true test of character comes at the darkest times . How would I measure up? It's so easy not to try.

The sieve-like nature of my brain does not help. I know I am the sort of person who does not fully retain things unless I keep at them, keep examining them - feed them, you could say. I wish I had the kind of mind that retained and analysed in an organised, cohesive way, able to accurately state at every moment why I think what I do, and how I came to that conclusion. It's frustrating not being able to remember what you yourself once discovered and understood. I appreciate this is partly to do with my health struggles, but I believe I would lean towards it anyway. Unless I cling sharply to something, it becomes misty, blurred.

We all feel differently, yes. We also all think differently. How do we measure the depth of a person? By intelligence, action, or feeling? What does it mean to go deeper?