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Thursday, 21 February 2008

the days

There have been moments this past week when I've felt like I had something to write here, but for various reasons, never did. Me being me, I have now forgotten most of those things. The upshot of this is that I can kid myself that they were highly significant, inspiring thoughts, and no one can ever prove otherwise!

Life feels too full of appointments at the moment. First I went to the opticians on Friday, and was informed there was no change in my prescription. Possibly the need for a stronger prism in my glasses may cause headaches, but he didn't think that was the case and did not want to do that unless it was the last resort.

Then I went back to the doctor about my headache on Monday, to find the doctor I previously saw has now left the practice. So I saw the main partner of the practise. I have to say although in some ways his manner is quite didactic, he really does know what he is talking about. There is something reasurring about being told what something is and what to do about it with absolute certainty. Having had unhelpful responses before, I did not mention my neck tension, but he made me stand up and did various things with my neck, turning it to various angles. At one point it made an almighty crunch and I gave an involuntary yelp of pain. He then diagnosed it as a muscular headache, which is what I suspected all along, and gave me some pills to relax my muscles. I'm not keen on taking pills for everything but I shall see how it goes. I have to be on them at least 3 to 6 months to know if they work.

That afternoon I rang up a physiotherapist and ended up with an appointment the next day, so I now have exercises to do 6 times a day and am seeing her again next Tuesday. Actually because my OT programme has 4 rest stops per day, I simply do my exercises before or after each of those, and when I wake up and go to bed. It helps to have the structure in place to remind me! Then I have a hair appointment on Thursday to trim my heavy locks. I have such thick hair that even that can give me headaches if it gets too long. It sounds ridiculous, but there you go.

It's all a bit of a bore. In my free time I feel quite tired and dull, and unable to write or create or anything of the things left me now that I am not working outside of the home.

The truth is, sometimes I feel life slipping through my fingers even as I am living it. Defining moments seem absent, and I do my daily battle with fatigue. Is this what I am?

I was thinking yesterday that when we are young we assume the future will take care of itself, to some extent. I will go from A to B like so. I will do this, then this will happen. We expect to have accomplished certain things by a certain age. But the great deception of 'what will be, will be' causes many a disappointment. We make our future. The future is neither our enemy or our friend. Neither does circumstance define who we are, but how we respond to circumstance. It is not what we've got, but what we do with what we have. Sometimes I feel so dull and inspired all I can think of is what I'm not doing.

It's occured to me that to some extent I must focus on getting well, in every aspect, before trying to achieve everything I want to do. I don't find it easy though, sensing the difference between my life and that of others. Having a creative personality both helps and hinders me. It can increase the frustration I feel both at my health and at my own self for my undisciplined imagination, for my dull wittedness, for my fatigue and for the heaviness that can all too easily replace hope.

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"The desperate need today is not for a greater number of intelligent people, or gifted people, but for deep people."- Richard Foster