release

We had housegroup at ours tonight and something sparked inside me. Once again God pointed at something and I saw it in a new light - and was encouraged. It seems to be a theme lately. Some pensive part of me thinks - why is it now so good - why am I now so close - when I wasn't then? I laugh at my foolishness and swallow down the water I was previously lacking.

I wish I could describe it. It is a like a taste - an actual taste - on my tongue, a tingling on my skin, a deep breath of the purest air I could ever breathe. The thirst that was lacking surges through every atom, every molecule. From the longest darkest time of all, I have emerged into light so bright I am at a loss to describe it. It is bliss to be made so aware where previously I had no awareness except for the blackness and confusion. The only words I can say, but don't seem enough, are thank you.

Don't misunderstand me, my circumstances have not changed so dramatically that my life is suddenly smooth and perfect - it isn't. But through the 'treasures of darkness' I am closer to learning how to be content in all circumstances. So when I say thank you, I am not merely saying thank you for the light falling on my face, but for the darkness and the rotten bits and the I-will-never-see-God-again bits. Doubt, my most diligent and most disliked companion, finds it hard to get its voice heard as my thoughts whirl about, as I am caught up with delight at God, despite my limited circumstances, and what seems to others to be incomprehensible - why does God not release her from this?

But God has released me. It is not about my illness; it is about my purpose in him, my place in his kingdom, about understanding what I had previously only heard but not grasped. God has released me. He has released me from an ugliness of doubt and fear that has plagued me so often. More than that - but I hardly know what exactly. God has released me. I can't explain it - can't put into words from what and to what - but he has.