Wednesday wondering

AGAIN another week (nearly) has trundled past.  The earth has rotated on its axis a few times and lives have changed for better and for worse, be it small, seemingly insignificant changes or huge events tumbling people and communities into turmoil.  Shocking amounts of children have died in Somalia - and other places grappling with horrors of their own have continued to grapple with them.  The UK, meanwhile, analyses and re-analyses the riots, the possible reasons for them, and the proper response to them. Six people are stabbed to death in Jersey.  A newly wed dies in a shark attack.

Sometimes I find it hard to comment on world events, be they corporate or individual, knowing that I will never be able to fully comprehend or respond to them, knowing that there are so many tragedies, so many lives. In an age of mass communication we have the ability to find out about so many of them - and then not know how to respond.  The age old question: who is my neighbour?  arises out of the global village and finds no easy answer.  We can't just say: that's miles away from me, I'll only focus on my local community.  Neither can we forget our 'next door' communities, although we are frequently distracted from them, encased in our own quiet bubbles.  We express the required outrage and indignation when hearing about things but our hearts and minds are stretched very thin.  There are so many 'communities' in our lives these days.

There's no criticism in my pondering; it is, in fact, mere pondering. A moment of muddled thinking, before I go back to my daily routines and my personal circles and wonder how I connect with a bigger whole, which feels full of holes.

Very glad his wisdom is unsearchable and his love beyond depth and knowing.

senseless flames

THE TROUBLE with scheduled blog posts is that they don't reflect what's currently happening.  After watching the flames in Hackney, Croydon and elsewhere yesterday, today has been a constant checking on news updates.  If you're an overseas reader (and I know there are many of you), and you've not picked up on what's going on here in the UK, Laura Anne has a summary of events over at her blog.  What started in London has spread to other cities.

Rumours fly everywhere, so it's important to establish the reliability of the sources. There have been claims of disorder where there are none. But some are indisputably true, and as ever I feel wordless.  Distressed, outraged, and utterly perplexed - but...but we don't do this sort of thing!  Well, apparently some do.  The rest of us twitch with helplessness and indignation.

Not all entirely helpless - many have been out cleaning up after the riots - what one Twitter user described as a 'riot of goodness'.  There seems to be a determination that we will not let ourselves be tarnished by the actions of the few, and we ourselves are prepared to clean up the mess in sheer defiance.  Get your broom and go.

General advice seems to be don't panic, and stay out of the way at scenes of disorder.  A sea of spectators will not help get things under control.

So we sit and wait from a distance, praying in our frustration and our disappointment that there will be an end to the senselessness, to the disregard, to the pain that is being inflicted in so many ways.

Woman leaps from burning building in Croydon last night 

Image: Wenn.com via yahoo

See BBC news here and live coverage here

Top image from the Independent

muddled prayers

AS USUAL, I feel I need to write something but feel muzzled by inadequacy.  The tension exists between the tragic and the humdrum - the horror experienced by those deeply affected by events and the helpless sympathy of the rest of us - not sure how to react or feel, not sure what to say that would not somehow be belittling of their loss and pain - yet our lives tumble on in their daily routines.  Which seems so offensive to those who are mourning, those whose lives can never be the same.

And of course, this is only in response to the things we know about - thinking particularly of those in Norway at the moment, but there are other horrors and losses everywhere, quiet and dark abuses in places we rarely or never hear about.  Often I think I should feel more than I do, without the automatic numbing that takes place - a flash of disquiet at the relative smallness of my compassion.  Then I realise it's not about merely feeling but living compassionately - so even if we struggle to empathise at gut level (and how can we, really?) we make a choice to care, to love, to pray.

So I offer my muddled prayers for those who are desperately in need of help and comfort today - glad of a God whose arms are far longer than mine, but ashamed and appalled of the things we do in his name.

the view from Uganda

"Please pray.  The violence is spilling out onto the streets."

This was a text I received last week from a friend of mine who lives in Uganda.

As the headlines have largely been concerned with other things, I emailed her to ask for more details of the situation.  She has given permission for me to post a summary here - although it's quite difficult to summarise all of it, I will pick out some of the main points.

• The current Ugandan president has been in office for the past twenty five years.  A great plan for development and getting rid of corruption and violence has ended up with more of the same.
• Fuel prices are really high - tripling in the space of about 2 months, and this leads to higher food prices because the food needs transporting from rural areas.  Inflation is at about 14%.
• Those in rural areas are starving as they were unprepared by the relevant government departments for drought followed by flash floods. Some families of eight or ten are eating a small sparrow sized bird for dinner - if they can catch it. Pregnant women may only have a meal of termites to last a whole day (about enough to fill a small yoghurt pot).
• The global fund corruption and scandal has meant that the next round of support has been cancelled.  Hospitals are having to cut down on employees and recruiting patients. Only one quarter of people needing ARVs (Antiretroviral drugs ) are getting them. Drugs supplies for those already on ARVs has reduced - those who can't afford them have to go without or try and change medication which entails resistance to the drugs or side effects.
• At the government hospital there are two generators working, hardly any doctors and all medicine has to be paid for. They won't treat you if you don't bring your own gloves - they don't have any.
• Mothers give birth on the floor because there aren't enough beds on the maternity wards.
• Donated drugs that are supposed to be free are taken by health officers and sold at private clinics.
• Despite a 'free for all' education at primary level, because of corruption they have no desks, chairs, reading materials and even meals in most cases. They have gone to introduce 'free' secondary education without dealing with these issues.
• Roads are terrible - full of pot holes.  Every time an election nears they put a thin layer on top for the canvassers to get through - then it wears off again.
• Corrupt government ministers responsible for some of these issues have been in power for many years.
• An inaugural party is being planned by the president as well as the purchase of fighter jets.  He claims not to be able to do anything about the food and fuel prices due to the global economic crisis. Opposition leaders claim otherwise.
• A pressure group was started, supposed to be a peaceful protest, where people walked to work in protest of high fuel and food prices. But the government sent in police and militia (not always easily identifiable) who would get into scuffles with opposition leaders and bundle them off in vans.  Rousing the people's anger, riots have broken out, with tear gas and pepper sprays being used and also shootings - a two year old baby was shot dead and another man shot in the head and the thigh - both in their homes trying to avoid the riots.
• A few days ago Besigye, a leading opposition figure was in his car, which was attacked and he was doused in pepper spray (BBC report here).  Spontaneous rioting broke out all over Kampala.

My friend says "it seems like the rule of the law is dying if not all ready dead".

Please pray for the government to make a concerted effort to improve the situation and bring costs down, diverting money away from unnecessary expenditure and into areas of need.  Pray against the corruption - "I don't know how it can stop if the big fish won't get caught," says my friend, "but also the biting poverty has meant that everywhere someone is trying to make an extra buck which is terrible."  There is a real feeling of hopelessness about this.

My friend has also expressed concern that there is a lot of censoring in the media, the Internet and even on phones.  She says: "We are worried that we may one day not to be able to speak freely about what is happening...we need wisdom about what to say and how to say it."

Video of aftermath of riots here.  In pictures here and here.

This image taken from recent Guardian report.

A Red Cross report from 29th April here.

Disclosure: I am aware that I cannot back up many of these facts 'officially' as I am using a personal source.  I do not claim any authority of my own on the subject.

reflections on 1994

Today is the International Day of Reflection on the 1994 Genocide in Rwanda, when nearly 1 million people were brutally killed in a horrific civil war.

Tribalism ran painfully deep for those involved- I read in my prayer book this morning that on visiting Rwanda on behalf of the Pope, one Cardinal spoke to some Rwandan church leaders, asking them: "Are you saying that the blood of tribalism is deeper than the waters of baptism?"  One leader answered, "Yes, it is."  

Whenever I think of Rwanda, I think of a little boy.  My parents began sponsoring a Rwandan child while I was in my teens.  During this terrible time, they lost touch with him.

It was wonderful, later, that the sponsorship programme (then Tearfund, now joined with Compassion) found him.  I believe he had lost many of his family members, but he himself survived.  He's now a man in his twenties, thus the correspondence between them ended a couple of years ago (this is Compassion policy once a child reaches 21).

Strange for me to think of 1994 - it was a year when I was lost in the muddles and miseries of growing up, and the year I first began to struggle with CFS/ME.  I was coping with panic attacks and teenage crushes (probably not unrelated to each other!).The horror of the news reports felt oddly distant, another world.  A preoccupied teenage girl in the West was in completely different circumstances from that Rwandan boy suffering through unspeakable loss.

I probably grieve more now than I did then, which is why it is helpful to remember, to reflect - when perhaps at the time the horror of it barely slid through the chinks of my life. I registered but did not understand, so tied up in my own adolescent world.  I wish I could say otherwise.

little words

I confess: I always struggle to write any kind of blog response to disasters such as the one currently taking place in Japan.  Words seem rather belittling coming from me, not threatened by rubble, waves or radiation.  It's now I rely on the intercession of the Spirit with groans that words cannot express.  I cannot comprehend it; part of me feels that it would be condescending for me even to try.

Lord, have mercy.

From BBC live coverage page 
(at the time of writing this post)

1. A large explosion has occurred at the Fukushima-Daiichi - or Fukushima I - nuclear power plant in north-eastern Japan, close to the epicentre of Friday's earthquake. Officials fear a meltdown at one of the plant's reactors. Tens of thousands of people in the surrounding area have been urged to evacuate

1. A mammoth relief operation has swung into action to help those affected by the earthquake and subsequent tsunami. The military has mobilised thousands of troops, 300 planes and 40 ships

1. Officials say more than 1,000 people are feared dead, with fears that the death toll could rise significantly. One of the worst-hit areas was the port city of Sendai

1. Police say 215,000 people have fled their homes, and there are reports that whole villages have been swept away

1. The 8.9 magnitude tremor has been confirmed as the fifth strongest to occur anywhere in the world in the past 100 years. More than 50 aftershocks - many of them more than magnitude 6.0 - have also been reported

on Haiti, and other stories

Like many, I suspect, I feel I should say something about Haiti but feel inadequate expressing it.  I feel inadequate not merely because of the enormity of it, but because in a globalised world so many of the things that happen become stuff of stories rather than reality.  Can I comprehend the number of dead, littering the streets and graveyards, rotting where they lie?  Can I comprehend that each is an individual life, like mine, extinguished?  That now that which was a person lies as carrion for the scavenging birds?

I have to tell it to myself time and again; I have to keep on reading each report; I have to go over it in my mind until it becomes more than just a story. I confess sadly that I am not very familiar with Haiti, aside from knowing its existence.  My most common encounter is merely with the mysterious 'Haitian' in sci-fi drama Heroes.  Huh. Yet another story.  Which brings me to wonder if we are so used to seeing tragedy and violence dramatised that we cluster the make-believe and the real altogether into one distant lump.

By no means is my post title meant to be flippant.  It is my way of reminding myself how easy it is subconsciously, unwittingly, to consign truth to fiction.  I want to make myself conscious of the fact, and seek out a remedy.

Haiti - already wrapped in poverty, is ill equipped to deal with the disaster - without the structure or the resources to effectively manage the recovery.  One can only hope that the promises of the world are kept.  Let's be real here and truly confess - when this sort of thing happens outside of our 'world' - and by that I mean the world we are used to - it feels more distant than if it had happened in our 'zone'.  In some ways this is inevitable, like the fact that the closer to home something is the more it affects us.  But that isn't just what I'm talking about here.  Others have said it better than I can.  In his post on this subject, Alan Wilson says: 'A disaster like this exposes, in a gut wrenching way, something we live with surprisingly easily as long it’s kept in its place on the back burner — the impact of inequality in the world.'

Will this become a mere hiccup in the consciousness of the Western World?  Such vast suffering just another story?  Will we forget?  Or will we remember?  And how do we respond?

Image from BBC website

the need for open eyes

"Mark's done, Luke's begun, and Numbers is, well, just indescribable!"
Such is the subject heading of my email from Community of Readers this week, which sums things up quite nicely. Still keeping up to date, amazingly. Not fazed by Leviticus, handling Numbers - although it does get somewhat repetitive when it lists the exact same thing for each of the twelve tribes (or their representatives!).

While looking at Leviticus 20 some days back, I was particularly struck by verse 4, where it talks from verse 2-5 about those who sacrifice their children to Molech, and the penalty for it (death). But verse 4 for me stood out as it said 'and if the people of the land should ever close their eyes to them, when they give of their offspring to Molech...' (NRSV, italics mine), and do not deliver the penalty for it, they will be cut off from their people and the LORD will 'set his face against them'.

For some reason as I was reading the phrase 'close their eyes' really struck home. Turning a blind eye to such appalling acts results in their God 'setting his face against them' (NIV) and banishment from the chosen people. It is, in essence, a sin of omission. Ignoring the terrible act of others has its own consequences.

Of course, this is Old Covenant law and a specific situation and we need to place it all in context - but the principle stands, and should not be ignored. What do we 'close our eyes' to in today's world? When do we fail to act? What appalling situations do we hear of and yet make no attempt at response? What right do we have to profess ourselves Christ-followers and yet walk by on the other side?

It's not that we don't hear about these things. In our contradictory world we hear of the horrors one moment and are persuaded to buy the latest model-of-whatever the next. We inhabit a society gagged and bound by confusion and mixed messages, mass abuse and mass consumption.

Well might Lily Allen sing in The Fear :
'I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore
I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore...'

How many of God’s people today close their eyes to horrors going on around them? How many, intentionally or accidentally, ignore the horrific abuse of human by human? How often do we even really think about it, let alone take any action? Do we sigh, shake our heads, and then feel peckish and go get something out of the fridge to satisfy our appetites?

A kind of paralysis sets in as we cannot imagine how to make any effect, so we lose all movement. And meanwhile the horrors go on: people trafficking – (the modern slavery which is far more widespread than the institutional slavery in the time of Wilberforce), child pornography and abuse, torture, persecution, neglect, violence, rape. The list continues and wraps its blackened ribbon around a hurting world.

What will it take for paralysed people to open their eyes?

Today: 5/10, medium

interceding

An Australian friend texted me last night to ask for my prayers for those affected by the devastating fires... The situation has often come into my mind the past few days; I cannot imagine the terror or speed of such fires, and the fact that some may have restarted them deliberately defies belief. I was once in a fire - minuscule in comparison, but it sensitises me to it and when watching the screen and hearing of the killing (death seems too weak a word when a car is engulfed so quickly in fire that the occupants cannot escape, even for the fires that were accidental) I feel a flicker of terror at such an untame-able foe. I pray for comfort and help for those dealing with such devastating loss - beyond that my prayer is mute, offered from my small heart in my small hands.

I'm reminded that in an age of globalisation my neighbour is both living in my street and also the opposite side of the world. I'm reminded that there are many desperate situations the world over. I'm reminded of my own apathy. I am reminded of my helplessness, but also my obligation to remember those suffering deeply in our societies and in our world. I'm reminded I should be interceding for others frequently. When I am tempted to walk by on the other side, even unconsciously, I try and imagine myself in their place - not that I can ever come close to capturing or understanding in my own self the suffering of another - but at least to practise empathy in the best way I can, and in so doing, not forget.

Never forget.

magazine article

I said previously I would post my church magazine article about my 'Darfur Appeal' here. You may recognise the first paragraph from my original entry on the subject (see 'the breaking of the walls') - I needed something to start me off!



Lately I feel like God has been softening my heart towards the world. I don't mean that I am hard hearted, but if we are honest with ourselves, we build up walls around us in order to deal with the horrors we hear of or see on the screen. We don't know how to deal with it, we feel helpless, so some mechanism inside us shuts down our vision and we look away - we walk by on the other side.

In hindsight, I can see God has been preparing me for a new vision for my life. With all my struggles and limitations, it could be easy to consider everything has been ‘put on hold’, but this is not true. Sometimes we need to be stripped of all the things we think define us – the things we get involved in, the use of our talents and gifts, the areas in which we have been comfortable or excelled.

Thus when one day a leaflet fell out of a magazine, my whole vision for life changed. This leaflet was about the women in Darfur. It was about how these women have to travel out of the internal displacement camps to collect firewood and water, and in doing so are frequently attacked and raped by members of the Janjaweed, the militia backed by the Sudanese Government. Every time they leave the camp, they know they are in desperate danger of gang rape and sexual violence. If their husbands go, they are frequently killed and mutilated, if they haven’t been already. The choice is a desperate one. God had been preparing me; all my defences were down; my Western apathy had been taken off-line. And I was cut to the heart. Suddenly I was feverish in my attempts to find out more, to understand more about the situation. I found myself weeping uncontrollably, with a grief that was not just my own but completely overtook me.

The situation in Darfur has boiled and simmered over the last few years, coming on and off our screens. Despite the peace agreement signed by one faction of the Sudanese Liberation Movement (SLM) and the Sudanese government in May 2006, the effects and violence continue. Many women and children have been victims of mass rape, and today still they are in danger. As of last year, the Sudanese government has, in theory, agreed to sending in peacekeeping forces to protect the civilians of Darfur. However, they have still not been fully deployed. Who will protect the civilians of Darfur? The violence and rape, the fear and the trauma, continue.

Sitting in our lounge on an ordinary day in England, I knew I had to do something. Often, as I said at the beginning, these things overwhelm us, so we shut down, even if unintentionally. We are initially appalled, but life goes on and our awareness of the suffering and pain of others fade away as daily life continues. But just because we can’t do everything doesn’t mean we can’t do something, even if it seems so small to us, compared to the vastness of the problems faced.

Here is what I am doing. Firstly, I am trying my best to understand and get to know the situation better, so that I can inform others and inspire them to get involved. I know it is so easy to get muddled and confused by world issues, when they are so many and so desperate. Secondly, and related to this, I hope to be able to pray more relevantly, knowing the issues. Thirdly, I have decided to raise money for the people of Darfur through the charity World Vision. I have begun to put together a small anthology of my poems, entitled Fragile World. For every £5 donation made to this cause, I will give one of these booklets of poems. This, for now, is my ‘something’, my response. So often we feel guilty about what we don’t do, but I feel instead that we should be encouraged about what we can do. There is always something – always.

World Vision has a Darfur Crisis Appeal which works in a variety of ways with the people of Darfur in the Internal Displacement Camps. This includes specific work with the women who have been victims of sexual violence, and also ways of reducing the risk of this violence. They are also in the process of setting up a literacy programme specifically for the women of Darfur. If anyone is particularly interested, I can provide further information on their work, and will also endeavour to outline it further in later magazines – this article would be too long otherwise! You can also go to www.worldvision.org.uk. If you wish to give a donation and receive a copy of Fragile World, please let me know (they will be available from the first week of August). Cheques should be made payable to World Vision; I will mark them for the Darfur Appeal and the charity will allocate them accordingly.
Many thanks,
Lucy Mills

This was of course written before recent events and so does not mention the charges brought against the Sudanese President by the ICC, and any related concerns or events.

nearly there

I think I have finished my anthology. I shall do my first print run (!) next week. At some point I will also post my church magazine article here, which should be published at a similar time. If friends want a copy, they can send me a £5 cheque payable to World Vision together with a second class stamp, and I'll send one to them. Was feeling somewhat stalled the last couple of days as to how to introduce it - in the end I simply did a brief summary of what World Vision is doing in Darfur, and some additional comments of my own along the 'there is always something you can do' line.

I'm wondering if and how their work has been affected by recent events and the charges brought by the ICC against the Sudanese President. I'm praying there won't be violent repercussions for the civilians of Darfur. Was listening to the radio on holiday when they were covering this topic; the tears instantly sprung to my eyes. I was rigid while I heard the voice of a 15 year old girl describing her beating and rape. But I don't flinch away from such subject matter any more - I am disturbed, but I am disturbed into outrage, not into the escape of apathy.

If I feel daunted at any point, I summon back that sense of outrage and the depth of compassion God gave me that afternoon when my world changed colour. These are stronger than my fear, and it shrivels up when they take the stage. Fear is a dictator, but I will not give it power. This may not be much, but it is something I am doing for now. I will not be coerced into believing that because I can't do something huge right now, I can't do something small.

Today: 4-5/10, medium / high
Yesterday: 5/10, high
Wednesday: 5/10, mega high

the breaking of the walls

~I should perhaps start this entry with a warning that it contains difficult and disturbing subject matter about the rape of women in Darfur. If this is a subject you find personally painful, you may wish to skip this entry.~

Lately I feel like God has been softening my heart towards the world. I don't mean that I am hard hearted, but if we are honest with ourselves, we build up walls around us in order to deal with the horrors we hear of or see on the screen. We don't know how to deal with it, we feel helpless, so some mechanism inside us shuts down our vision and we look away - we walk by on the other side.

The crunch really came on Wednesday when after feeling progressively more and more aware of the pain in this world - sensitised in fact, a leaflet fell out of a magazine about the women of Darfur. It seems God had been preparing my heart for that very moment, for without the walls around my heart it felt as if I had been pierced with a dagger. I read about these women who are raped on their way to collect water or firewood - how they have little choice since if they don't go, their children will have no water; if they send their husbands, they will be killed (if they haven't been already). According to the Women's Commission, about 200 women are raped daily. This is not just one man, but many, taking turns. As I have done further research through various charities, I read about how the Janjaweed sing while they rape the women. I have read testimonies from witnesses about the utterly appalling things done to these women - and when I say women I also mean girls - 11 year olds, gang raped by soldiers.

It's all very well hearing on the news about rape and murder and all kinds of violence, but as I determined to look into this further, the horrific reality of it set in. I have always found rape an appalling subject - I can't watch or read anything which has a rape 'storyline'. Not from any personal experience but simply something I have always had an extremely active aversion to - I cannot tell myself 'this is only fiction' or 'that's only ketchup' as you might with more general gore and violence (not that I cope particularly well with that these days either). Hence when I hear about rape 'in the real' I tend to feel overwhelmed by the horror of it.

But here I collided head on with the horror, meeting it with a rising sense of the need to do something. To no longer avoid looking at it but to recognise it - in this place, in Darfur, where it is rife and the women are so unprotected as they are raped by uniformed soldiers, in front of their families, their mothers, their children. I cannot say why God has put this issue in front of me, only that he has. Frequently I find myself crying over it as I think of these women, and praying fiercely for their protection. God is breaking my heart.

In July 2007, a UN resolution was agreed by the Sudanese government to send a UN/African Union peacekeeping force to protect the civilians of Darfur. But full deployment of this force has been obstructed and delayed, and every day the risks and the violence continue.

I am going to quote a witness cited by Amnesty International - again I shall preface this with a warning that this is a particularly disturbing statement:

'Janjawid militia and government soldiers attacked a primary school for girls, raping the pupils. They were aged between 8 and 13. They were in shock, bleeding, screaming and crying. It was horrific. Because I told people what happened, the authorities arrested me. They said, 'we will show you what rape is'. They beat me severely. At night, three men raped me. The following day the same thing, different men. Torture and rape, every day, torture and rape.' - Halima Basheer, survivor of gang rape and torture in Darfur.

I am aware there is little I can do to protect the women of Darfur. But I am determined to continue researching the subject and find any way I can. In the meantime, I've decided to raise money for them by selling a booklet of my poems - such a small, silly thing, but something that at the moment I can do. Selling is the wrong word, I intend to ask for a donation of £5 per person, in return I will give them the booklet, to do with what they will. I may not be very well but Helen Keller was blind and deaf; William Wilberforce suffered from ill health all his life. There is always something. Do we choose not to do something simply because it is small? Do we let those walls reform around our hearts? Do we look into our own apathy and say NO?'

I shall finish with some words I often remember:

"I am only one; but still I am one.
I cannot do everything,
but still I can do something.
I will not refuse to do something I can do."
- Helen Keller

the words I don't have

There are many times when I wish to comment on something in the world but really don't feel I have adequate words. A couple of days ago I was staring out of the kitchen window, thinking, what if what I was looking at was not a couple of pretty bushes but a torrent of murky water and destruction all around me? What if I was not here but in Burma? It's so hard to grapple with events on a worldwide scale. This morning I think and pray for China...for all those who have lost loved ones and for those trapped under the rubble. I can't find words to pray so instead I offer up silence. Silence full of the things I don't know how to say. Sometimes we shy away from thinking about these things because we are overwhelmed. I would rather be overwhelmed than forget. I take the lump of overwhelmed-ness and offer it as part of the prayer.

Lord, don't let me forget.