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Tuesday, 15 April 2008

don't let me go...

Frequently I need to drag myself back to God. That sounds slightly odd, and I don't mean it in the sense of being unwilling, but more about a certain kind of...negligence, for want of a better word. There is this mentality of re-fuelling stops, of 'stocking up' on God's presence. A 'wind me up and let me go' mentality where by we fuel up on God and then run on what we have until we start to feel empty again. Occasionally we don't realise we are empty until it starts getting desperate. Is this really the way to live our lives? Shouldn't we be focusing on the sustaining presence of God every day, not in chunks divided up over the years?

Of course, many crises of faith and dry patches are not our fault. But I'm aware of times in my own life where I have felt acutely aware of God and taken it for granted. In doing so, the awareness slips away. I start asking God 'where are you?', when really I should be asking 'Where am I?' At the moment, after recovering from a long long period of flatness and even desperation, my hunger for God has returned. But if I simply treat this as an item on my list to be ticked off, I risk losing the very thing I have found. I am not making very much sense. I need to think this through more. But I sense that unless I am determined to continue pushing through whatever barriers each day - tiredness, distraction, whatever - I slip away from the one to whom I had momentarily grown closer. Even my words about God become more about my words than God himself. Other things jostle for priority positions, and I become...forgetful. This worries me, and it should. I need to keep hold of his hand.

On more trivial matters, today has been tidying and sorting various things, and converting the spare room (which has a whole variety of roles) into its guest room persona. Andy is at his second deacon's meeting of the week. And I am feeling end-of-day weary.

Energy levels: 5/10
Headache: initially low, higher this evening

1 comment:

Trish D said...

I definitely am right there with you. I think we're all a little bit like the Israelites: taking God's blessings for granted, head off on our own, then moan and wail about how terrible things have gotten... Thankfully we serve a gracious God who welcomes us back. I am so thankful for his mercy and grace!

"The desperate need today is not for a greater number of intelligent people, or gifted people, but for deep people."- Richard Foster