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Monday, 29 August 2011

the incongruity of me

THERE ARE times when I know that trying to do anything is useless; I am over-expended; there is nothing for it but to slouch grumpily quietly recharge until I regain some kind of energy, however small.  But my personality is not terribly patient with resting up and waiting.  It's not that it doesn't like being calm and meditative or reflective.  But when tiredness comes along it is not terribly sympathetic even to gentle reflection - I can't even rest coherently.  My mental abilities are resigned to two simultaneous states - one rather like the hyperactive toddler who should have been in bed two hours ago, and the other a dead, lifeless opposite.  The one wars against the other while from the outside I look generally spaced out and cannot seem to construct sentences properly.

When I stop, I tend to dream.  My hopes and longings bubble up unhindered by busyness, but they are so incongruous in comparison with my physical state that moments of elation are swiftly followed by moments of depression.

I don't feel depressed while writing this, so you don't need to grab your box of tissues.  I just wanted to have a bash at explaining something I can't easily describe. I don't even know how to finish this post, but life alas seems to require days like these - riding out the silly fatigue, putting my desires and expectations in the corner of the room and allowing myself to feel and act like mulch.  Perhaps those who need rest the most resent it the most.

Eventually, the mulchiness is moulded into something rather more helpful - quietness of heart.  But such a thing is not acquired by the flicking of a switch or a mere intention.  No, first I have to master the mulchiness of a dynamic personality warring against the stagnancy of fatigue.  Then, and only then, does serenity seem to have a chance.


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"The desperate need today is not for a greater number of intelligent people, or gifted people, but for deep people."- Richard Foster