nerves, and all that lark

Feeling considerably tired today. Went to the entire service because it was the dedication of M's 3 year old daughter, Chloe, at the beginning. It was lovely, although obviously I missed rest stop 1. I did a reading from the back while it was illustrated on PowerPoint; it seemed to go reasonably well. I find since I am having to take a back seat in church services these days that I get more nervous - I always get nervous anyway, but it's worse these days. Somewhat frustrating occasionally - God, why do you give me gifts that make me feel sick every time I use them?!! I know it's because my heart rate speeds up (my heart rate even speeds up when I am having my pulse checked, would you believe it); I tell my friends, wryly, that they may not want to sit in the front row, just in case I throw up on them! I'm not, actually, mentally nervous - I know I am capable of it and even enjoy doing it. My heart and stomach are simply treacherous, in my opinion.

It's funny, the most helpful piece of advice I've ever had over nervousness was when someone said to me, 'Well, that's how you are. Accept that.' By accepting that I do feel ill when I'm about to do something 'up front', it stops me getting infuriated with myself or doubly stressed. I simply make as many preparations as I can. If I need to go to the loo 5 times, who cares? A bottle of water for when my throat goes dry. (I've discovered, actually, that having some 'props' help - when I was trying to pull on my marigolds before our CSI: Jerusalem sketch I was so focused on what I was doing that the nausea didn't reach it's most dreadful height. And I mean dreadful - once I just about managed to do my piece before having to go outside and....mind you, that doesn't usually happen.) I do do breathing exercises, the sort that work for me - 'taking deep breaths' makes it worse - but slow regular breathing with spaces in between inhaling and exhaling helps a little.

It is, mainly, the erratic nature of when I do what I do - last summer when I was involved in three services in a row, by the third I felt much better, as I was accustomed to it. So, ironically, if I did it all the time, it would be all right. Not going to happen with this silly fatigue, though! We had planned that I started helping Andy lead services at the start of this year, but of course the 'programme' put paid to that. I think if I did ever do things regularly, it would be much more manageable.

People say I have gifts with reading (aloud), speaking, teaching, writing, and drama. Only one of those is really do-able right now (that is, writing - which could include teaching, I suppose), but I find motivation and discipline soooo hard, when I feel quite isolated and my mind is annoyingly foggy. Today's service talked about gifts, actually, with the Parable of the Talents being the one I read. Am I burying gifts in the ground?? I wondered. I would like to be a good and faithful servant...

Of course all this is a load of waffle. And since I was speaking from the back today, the nausea wasn't at its supreme awfulness anyway. So all this is simple drivel which later I will feel silly about.

Oh, I loved being able to discuss Thursday's entry - that was fun and got my mind buzzing. I'd like to write more 'topical' entries...when I have the energy.

Today:3-4/10, medium high

and other things

Didn't feel like leaving the last entry as the latest entry, for some reason. So, other things. Still have a perpetual headache, which is no fun. Will go back to doctor on Monday. Having eyes tested tomorrrow in case that is a factor. Have found a physiotherapist not far away and someone willing to take me so will also ring them next week. Headache may be related to my atrociously tight neck. Hope it gets sorted somehow. When it begins to throb I feel like my eyes and brain are turning to goo and about to trickle out of my nostrils. What a delightful picture.

Am trying to take control of life a little, even with the limitations of my treatment programme. Wrote a new song last week, the first for ages. It's only the bare bones, but it's quite catchy so I'm hoping I can polish it up. I am also looking to start recording devotional / study tapes for people at church, particularly the elderly who struggle with sight. Rather than slumping about complaining about not using my gifts, I shall try and be a little more creative in my thinking...often we think our health problems stop us from doing things, but there are ways of doing them, although we may not initially have thought of them. The reason I am encouraged in this is that it was something I was thinking about, but then a friend came up with exactly the same idea, quite independently. That felt quite exciting, having another person think I was capable of it, not just me.

Need to pot on my sweet peas, which are growing at quite a rate. They are the dwarf version (snoopea) but even so they need some support already. Probably a bit too warm where I've got them, but don't have many options. They should be ok though; my seedlings have succeeded in previous years - I think only one tray went wrong and that was my first. I learnt from the mistakes I made.

Have other things I wanted to write but I need to get some other jobs underway.....