when friendship hurts

RECENTLY I came across some news of an old friend which stung me.  Stung me because she hadn't told me, because she never told me things; it was always me trying to keep up the friendship until, exhausted, I gave up, feeling genuinely not wanted.

I allowed myself to get hung up on this, recycling old hurts until I pulled myself up and realised how unhealthy it all was.  In fact, several times I have come to a place of forgiving - but on occasions like these, I am very tempted to 'go fishing'.  Due to these previous reconciliation within myself, there was very little anger or bitterness in my thinking.  But there was still hurt.  It left me muffled by old pain.

It does hurt.  We let friends grow close to us, we revel in their company and their comfort, we treasure their confidences, the moments where we grew closer.  But when life makes it tougher to keep up the friendship and we feel like we're doing all the work, the friendship suffers.  It hurts even more when the other person doesn't seem particularly bothered that you are growing apart.

The nature of friendship, of any close relationship, is that we are allowing the possibility of pain.  Those we love the most will always have the power to hurt us the most.  We can't shake off their words and actions, can't shrug them away as something irrelevant or unimportant.  These are the people that should know better.  Conversely, when we have an intimate relationship with someone it is inevitable that you will see them in a variety of guises - some of them less pleasant than others.  We do not refrain out of politeness.

Whether composed of simple neglect or outright treachery, the wounds made by friends go deep.  And if the effort is not made to heal them, to confess them, to talk them over and come to an understanding, they can lie there like old scars - itching if we scratch them too much.

When I had thought over what I was doing - this unhealthy overturning of the past and comparisons with the present, I forced myself to change gear.  Because when we focus on the pain caused by some relationships, we often forget to recognise those in our lives who do bother, who do make the effort, who are repentant when they hurt us and without whom we would be less than what we are.

I recognised then how blessed I am - how many there in my life who take such time over me, who care for me so deeply and considerately, often undeservedly.  There will always be old aches and pangs of regret.  But I cannot let these blanket my vision.  I want always to see the kindness, the lovingness, the genuine care I receive so frequently from good - in every sense of the word, good - friends.


Image: from stock.xchng

the makings of friendship

What makes a friendship?  What starts a friendship?

There are all manner of people, so it seems inevitable that there are all manner of friends.  And what you think 'makes' a friendship may differ from my definitions.  In fact, our very definitions of friendship may differ.  One person's friend may be another's friendly acquaintance.

'Laughter is the beginning of friendship; sorrow is its seal' - words I scrawled rather loftily over a decade ago.  Sounds a bit weird.  What I meant was, sharing laughter is the beginning of friendship, sharing sorrow is the the sealing of friendship.  I had a specific friend in mind I think, where the early days were full of giggles and shared jokes, a delight at similar senses of humour.  But then came the day when we begun sharing our tears and our hurts - and thus entered a whole new level of friendship.

I've also known encounters where you start with laughing together and end with crying together all in one conversation - one of those 'fast forward' friendships I mentioned in my last post, somewhat rare and dependent on an automatic trust and honesty which allows for such deep emotional connections...

But not everyone will thrive on these deep friendships, preferring not to bare all and share all!  And I have those I call friends who would not see this side of me.

Is it fair to say there are levels of friendship?  I don't want to make it sound like some are superior and some are inferior -echoing back to playground politics at school - where you were consigned to 'best friend', 'second best friend' and lived awkwardly under that label. 'Power play' can be at work here, and it can create deep insecurities. But there will be friends I share more deeply with because I have seen in them an understanding that allows for it.  There are friends I share more deeply with because we have walked together through difficult times - and shared lunatic moments!  There are friends I share more deeply with because they have made the effort to stay in touch when others did not bother.

I suspect we all form friendships in different ways - different from each other because we are individuals with our own ways of expressing, our own needs.  Different even within ourselves because we identify those in our lives who would particularly appreciate certain things about us.

We can form friends through familiarity - seeing each other regularly. We can form friends because we have gone through similar experiences and helped each other through them. We can form friends because we see in someone else a likeness to ourselves. We can form friends because we see a difference from ourselves, one that is complementary. We can form friends because we have hope and faith in common, or because we have been through a stage of life where we were both developing and learning new things.

There is no single template.


Update: on reading this post, a friend (who comes under the 'fast forward' category!) mentioned this moment in the Big Bang Theory, which I link to here for your viewing pleasure (embedding is disabled): http://youtu.be/k0xgjUhEG3U



Next up: maintaining friendships, perhaps? 

thoughts on friendship

RECENTLY IN THE BACKGROUND of my mind I've been thinking about friendships - specific friendships of my own, as well as friendship in general - the formation of friendship, the endurance (or not) of friendship, the levels of intimacy within friendships, the challenges of friendships both old and new.

I could try and splurge my thoughts in one rambling post, but I will try, time permitting, to reflect upon my theme in instalments.  Friendship as a concept these days now acquires new challenges as not only do our friendship bases widen due to travel and movement, they can also be formed and maintained by social networking.

Social networking has a different impact on friendship depending on your generation. What I mean is, for those of us who grew up prior to social networking sites, we have the somewhat odd experience of 'getting back in touch' with older friends, not merely as individuals but as collective. For example, I can look at my school friends and see that one group of which I was a part have largely stuck together - which unsettles me slightly when I realise that I am not one of them any more. I moved on and away and did not move back; my closest friendships were formed, generally speaking, later. There were reasons for this, health probably being a factor, as well as opportunities and common hopes, dreams, opinions.

When I moved into adulthood and encountered the scaldingly intimate friendships I made later, it seemed strange to try and find this in earlier friendships made of other stuff - different in tone, different in need. Yet I can see that those who have grown up in these friendships have also reached these levels of intimacy - which I formed with others in other places.  (The challenge of course that I did not remain in these places and thus have experienced the fierce loss of no longer being a few paces away from those who changed me so utterly.)

And although there are several adages about the age of friendships being directly related to their quality, this is not always the case. There are moments when a jolt of recognition occurs between two people who have only just met, whereby the intimacy and frankness that can take years are fast forwarded. These moments are not necessarily common, but precisely because of their rarity they feel deliciously surprising when they occur - as if they are a gift of sorts.

Friendship comes in many guises.



Image: stock.xchng

reunited friends

THERE WAS NO no rush of surprise or delight at seeing you;

rather normality stole in quietly and surrounded us.
The months without you simply slipped away -
surely you have always been here?
But as the day wore on I realised
the depth of my missing you -
the way your eyes never judge or condemn,
only listen - reacting to my words
with genuine celebration or grief -
and I breathed you in like
long forgotten air.

the friend who cares

I've shared this quote before but thought it was well worth another airing:

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. "

Henri Nouwen

Image: mine 

memory lane: carpet snorting

It was a Monday night at the college where I studied theology. I took a break from the work I was doing in my room because my friend Sarah had ask me to go to the Laundry. She needed me to take her clothes out of the washing machine and put them in the dryer, while she was studying in the Library.


So, I walked to the Laundry and went to the machines. But Sarah's washing wasn't there. I couldn't find it anywhere. I appreciate that this isn't particularly funny. But I must have been overworking my brain, because I started to get the giggles. Off I went towards the Library, snickering. It only got worse as I went along. On reaching the Library, the word SILENCE hung above the doors. Oh dear goodness. Deep breath in. Control, Lucy control. I entered the Library. I wasn't actively giggling but alas, I still had the giggles. They were rippling up from inside - I had simply clamped my mouth shut.


Seeing Sarah made it worse. Quite what my expression was I can't say. But staggering up to her table - I opened my mouth to speak. How can I explain in writing the noise that came out of me? Try breathing in and saying ahhhhh really loudly at the same time. Imagine it ten times louder.

ERRRRRRRRPPPPPPPP! I cried.

I had done it. I had barked like a giant seal in the library. Everyone looked at me in amazement. Monday evening was a busy time in the library. Every table was full. Feeling dreadful, but unable to control the state of my voice, "SORRY!!!" I shrieked, and turned tail and ran.
Sarah was hot on my heels, gasping with laughter.
We collapsed in the outside corridor, much to the alarm of other passing students. It took a very long time for me to get the words out.
Eventually, Sarah's washing was found.


A week later. A Monday night. Sarah was in the library, I had agreed to go to the Laundry. She had asked me to transfer her clothes from the washing machine to the dryer. Memories of the previous week were already causing flickers of amusement inside me as I entered the Laundry. I opened the machine - her clothes were there! I reached in and - they were dry. She had forgotten to turn the machine on. Already too far gone with laughter for any good to come out of this, I switched the machine on and hurtled towards the Library. I appreciate that I didn't have to do this. I could have taken the safe method and gone back to my room to calm down. I should have known. But, this was me. And this was Sarah. Sarah and I are the kind of friends who automatically gravitate towards each other when any kind of hilarity occurs. I could not overcome it.


Must...find...Sarah...must...share....


So off I went, back into the main building, sniggering through reception and lurching unsteadily into the Lecturer's Corridor (where they had their offices). There was actually a Lecturer in the corridor at the time, who gave me a look of such puzzled amusement that my mild hysteria increased still further.


SILENCE! Pronounced the board above the Library. Impossible.


I swung through the doors, making strange, gasping hiccupy sounds. Mercifully Sarah saw me coming this time, launched out of her seat (already infected with hysteria herself). She herded me out of the library and we both collapsed in the corridor outside, immobile with laughter.

This is a feature of our friendship. I remember a time when we were on one of the staircases; I clutched at the rails, sobbing with laughter, unable to stand. Sarah was even worse than me, collapsed against the wall making mewing noises. What was the joke? You've got me. Frankly, there didn't even have to be one.


Another occasion we were in Sarah's room and some amusement brought us to the state of lying on the floor, snuffling with laughter. 'I just snorted carpet up my nose!' giggled Sarah. And henceforth we refer to the 'sort of friend you can snort carpet with', which sounds a little dubious (!) but simply means a friend with whom you laugh so hard you are rendered helpless on the floor.


It is a friendship that was meant to be. Early in our acquaintance I was sitting in my room and heard this strange snickering noise outside. My room in the first year was opposite the kitchen. On further exploration, I discovered Sarah helpless with laughter in the kitchen sink, with the window blind on her head. It had fallen down, and she was trying to sort it out. Naturally, I was soon up on the draining board with her.


It isn't only laughter that binds us, of course. We have cried a good many tears with each other since those early days, and wailed over embarrassments and days which have all gone wrong...I still remember Sarah launching through my door and crashing onto my bed and burrowing into it; likewise the time I stumbled, agonised, into her room and buried my head in the first thing I came to - her towel (!)


I will finish up with one last story (there are many!!) Sarah and I had this uncanny knack of ending up in the toilets at the same time. Many times I would go into a cubicle and suddenly become aware of this sniffling noise (try giggling without using your vocal chords and with your mouth closed - you've got it). We would both make this sound when we suspected the identity of the other person, and on hearing the sound the other would roar with delighted laughter.


That's not the story, that's the scene setting (!) It so happened Sarah and I were in Borders one day and went to find the toilets. One was out of order, so i went in first while she stood outside by the sink. I had to change my top, for some reason. I cannot for the life of me remember why, but still. Making a joke about the fact we were in the toilets together, I started mock laughing very loudly.
'HA HA HA!' I roared. 'HO HO HO!' Then, 'I'M TAKING MY TOP OFF NOW! HA HA HA!'
Sarah was laughing outside but something was wrong. She was laughing quietly. I paused. 'Sarah?' I queried.
'Yes?' she replied.
'Are you alone?'
'No...'
'Ah,' I said, calmly. 'OK.'
The awful thing was that because the other loo was out of order, I had to come out of the cubicle (Sarah dashed in, purple with amusement), and then had to calmly wash my hands while the other woman stared straight ahead of her with a closed expression...but every now and then there was a faintest twitch on her lips....



Sarah, this entry is for you :)

friendship

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. "

Henri Nouwen

***

Today: 5/10, medium
Yesterday: 4/10, medium

on friendship

I love this quotation. It sums up the freedom you have when talking to your most trusted friends...

'Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person: having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them out. Just as they are - chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away.'

- Mary Ann Evans (George Elliot)