think on this...

This is the simple card I made for the current Salt Challenge. The gems I used for the flower centres are larger than I wanted them - but I've run out of the smaller ones.


How hard it is to direct our thoughts! There are those who are, by temperament, much more disciplined in their thinking than others - and there are those who can, amazingly, completely empty their minds. But I am so easily distracted! My mind burbles and bustles, tumbles and trundles, whirls and wiggles until I just want to say shut up. Directing my thoughts, and meditating, is a discipline I have been trying to learn, especially with the scheduled rests that are part of the lifestyle manage programme for my CFS/ME. At the moment I am finding it tremendously difficult...but I am digressing (something my mind is very, very good at).

How easy it is to have our minds dwell on unhelpful things. These can be dark, evil things, but they can also be more subtle. How easily we can become frantic or anxious. How easily we can forget to look towards the light. This is a challenge for me because I have such a chaotic mind. It goes off track very easily. Thus I find it hard to have long, established quiet times with God like some people do. I want to. I want to think about things of God instead of things of me, of my worries, of negative thoughts about life and health, about future and circumstance. I want to direct my thoughts towards things such as those in this verse, and sometimes I succeed. And sometimes I don't. I can only be honest with God, and pray that he helps me.

Today I had a doctor's appointment, with my new doctor. She seems nice - my records haven't caught up with me yet so I had to give a brief resume - not the easiest thing and I gabbled on rather fast as I didn't want to take up too much of her time! Still, she was helpful, and I think I will be able to talk to her in future, which was the whole point of changing. She upped my dosage of the tablets I am on for my head, as I am on a very tiny dose, to see if that helps. Even the new dosage is classified as small, so I am happy with that.

I have an appointment at the clinic of the CFS/ME service tomorrow. I think they are worried that I am getting depressed and not managing very well. As I said to my doctor, I would describe my feelings as emotionally weary. Because I am so wretchedly tired, and this frustrating headache / neck ache in addition to it, I feel ill equipped to deal with events - whether they be physically or mentally demanding. I feel very easily swamped, and drawn to anxiety. But it is not constant - it is only on the days I am particularly tired, or when circumstances have piled up unhelpfully. I pray that the discussion will be constructive and I can go away feeling comfortable with the outcome.

Do you ever wish you had an 'off' switch? Or at least a 'standby' mode where you weren't thinking anything, just recharging? I do.

Today: 4/10, high

bleah

Feeling considerably uninspired. Still feeling a bit under the weather. Yesterday I accidentally fell asleep during one of my rest stops and Andy had to shout at me to wake me up. Most unusual. Completely put me out of sync (and made dinner late!!) Had massage yesterday. Apparently my back is improving.

Sometimes I feel people think I should be improving more quickly and that the Occupational Therapy isn't working. But it is simply a slow thing - and that doesn't mean it isn't working. Having a cold or a bug will make me more tired for a while. It doesn't mean it isn't working. I simply stick with it until it does. Also feel occasionally irritated when people say to me 'Be patient. It will work. You just have to be patient.' I have not been impatient at all. It's as if they need to reassure me. I don't always appreciate it the way I should because a) I am being patient and b) they don't really know it will work. It's not that I think it won't - but it irritates me when people say it will in those soothing tones and then imply I simply need to be patient. I much prefer it when people say 'That would drive me mad!!' because it makes me laugh and I find it encouraging. (Is that strange?) I hope I Haven't caused any offence. But after dealing with something for so long platitudes from those who aren't dealing with it have the potential of really grating at me. Eech. Rant over. My apologies. (Still feel slight need to scream but will refrain.)

Charlie had his bath today. I even attempted to clip his nails. I managed the front ones but the back ones were to large for the clippers I was using. I was not about to go and get the others and start all over again. Another time.

Have got what I wanted done today but still feel bleah.

Bleah.

I think I need a good giggle or something.

Go on. Make me giggle.

Energy rating: 4/10
Headache: medium

Yesterday: 4/10, medium - low

home

We are back from spending the weekend at Andy's parents. We had a lunch on Saturday to celebrate their Golden Wedding, in a very nice Cotswold hotel. Woke on Sunday to snow! Melted quickly. Don't know how impressed Charlie was - we took him with us in the smaller hutch we used to use for the guinea pigs. He had his hutch hugger and was in a very sheltered spot. He was perfectly happy when we checked on him in the morning, despite the layer of white. Then the sun came out and I had to pull the cover back so he didn't get roasted. The weather is quite bizarre. No snow here, though we were greeted with some whirling flakes when we returned yesterday early evening. Had a brief encounter with our new neighbours over the fence. The conversation went: 'A bit nippy, isn't it?!' 'Just a bit, yes!' What would we do without the weather to talk about?!

Going to see Ed and Emma (and Ewan and Evie!) on Wednesday, which will be nice. Trying to organise a get together with Helen and Kaye later this month but it's not working out very well. I suspect it would be better to try for something later in the year. Trying to organise things with three people is always more difficult than two! In some ways it may be better as I'm not sure about the travelling with this 'regime' of mine.

The rests are going...reasonably well. In the sense that I am doggedly doing them. The trouble is I am supposed to be as near a 'meditative' state as possible - i.e. not to be thinking as well as not doing. I don't really succeed at this very often! I try to concentrate on my breathing. Listening to meditation CDs works some times but then I start getting irritated with them if I do them very frequently.

I spoke to my new Occupational Therapist last week; she seems nice. She suggested I should keep a daily record of how I'm doing - so I get a sense of any progress. Slow progress is the hardest to see without something to look back on. Perhaps I should give myself a daily rating? Out of ten. The doctor wants me to keep a headache diary too. Perhaps I should note it at the end of every entry here. As long as passers by don't think I'm some kind of hypochondriac! If I forget, you'll have to remind me. I can't work out the best way to rate it. If I do it out of ten it's hard to know which way round... I will go with 1 as worst and 10 as best, I think, rather than higher or lower. The headache I will describe rather than rate. Gosh, I do waffle, don't I?!

Here is today's:

Energy rating: 4/10
Headache: medium

teapots

Did not make it to church today. Partly because I've been feeling pretty shoddy this weekend. It's frustrating because I've missed communion, again. And it's weird asking for a pastoral visit from your own husband. Sometimes I think - who is my minister / pastor? Officially it is Andy - but Andy is Andy to me, not 'the minister'. If we attempted a pastoral 'visit' we'd probably both get the giggles.

The other reason I didn't make it is the joys of my routine versus the clocks going forward. We are now in British Summer Time. Mmmm. Well, at least the sun has been shining today. I adjusted my rests slightly today to ease myself in but it's all very awkward when you are on a strict timetable and the time itself changes. So have been feeling somewhat all over the place.

There are various trains of thought meandering through my mind (a scary prospect, I know) but I do not have the ability at this moment to go into them. So I shuffle them away into the teapots in my head where they will brew until they are ready to be poured out.

Just to clarify, I don't really think there are actual teapots in my head. It's one of those analogy type things. You know.

the trouble with Rest Stop 1

I need to get my creative juices flowing today as I am supposed to be writing an Easter sketch. I know what it is but I need to actually write it. Flow, juices, flow! Also need to make a shepherd's pie. Kaye coming to visit next week and it would be nice to have something ready to pop in the oven instead of spending lots of time in kitchen. I shall probably start preparing that first, after Rest Stop 1. Rest Stop 1 is always a little irritating on a Saturday. I'm downstairs at 8, like a good girl, but then am doing my Genesis study and usually don't end up showering etc. till 9, if I get absorbed, which I normally do. If like today I need to wash my hair, that takes longer, and then I have breakfast. And feed Charlie - ooh that reminds me, must do that now. But Rest Stop 1 always seems to arrive just as all the preamble to the day is over. Right, now, I think - oh, wait, I have to stop.

Now, I need the loo. Farewell.