of knots and polka dots

Went for my third remedial massage this morning.  The room is actually housed in the facilities of the local cricket ground, which are often used for conferences.  I got there rather early, so decided to have a coffee from the bar/Costa.  I had to sit down at a vast round table for ten, which was quite amusing.  There were others doing the same with their laptops/netbooks/macbooks.

I got out my pink polka dot mini notebook (I mean an actual paper notebook) and wrote in that instead, which seemed rather a contrast to those around me. (I do have a netbook, but as a rule I don't take it for a massage...) The fact of my pink polka dot-ness amid all the professionalism made me smile.

There was a training day taking place, and when they all came out for their coffee break I quickly drained my cup and nipped to the loo while it was still free (writing this immediately reminds me of that infamous Google search where someone typed 'help I am desperate for the loo' and arrived on this blog, which was rather worrying).

The massage was interesting, as she was trying to break into a very solid knot.  She said as she was doing it 'I really need to break this down.  I think it may be what's pinching the nerves in your neck'.  This immediately drew my attention. 'Hmm,' I replied.  'I have a feeling my headaches may have started after that knot appeared.'

On arriving home, I typed 'knot' into the search part of this blog and found the relevant entry, on 22nd November 2007.  ('A new knot for Christmas,' I say.)  This raised my eyebrows reading this, as I was sure my headaches had begun intermittently around December 2007, before becoming constant in January 2008.  (Long term readers will be aware of my shoulder/neck/head problems.) Sure enough my first mention of 'constant' headache in this blog is in early February 2008.

An unexpected benefit of blogging - keeping a record of things of which, at the time, I had made no distinct connection.  Although sure my headaches were to do with the knottiness, I had not registered the time similarities of that knot in particularly.

Fascinating...

strategic withdrawals

I have been feeling very weary the last few days, more so than usual. I can recognise danger signals these days, when the fatigue starts clamping down on me more than normal. The only things to do is make a strategic withdrawal - not making any more commitments, backing out of those I can and making it plain that the next month or so I will be decreasing my activity levels.

It's a frustrating thing to do, but it needs doing. If I keep plugging on regardless I risk a complete crash - worse, relapse - which could seriously restrict me for months. I am not willing to let that happen, so now, while in the dangerzone, I am starting to make strategic withdrawals. I have to surrender the battle in order not to lose the war.

Oddly I think it's a good thing I've signed up for NaNoWriMo - I can curl up and do that casually and gently, without feeling miserable. Withdrawing can be very isolating, so a focus inside these four walls is helpful. I can write horizontal, if I have to, sprawled out with notepad or netbook. It will take my mind off all the things I cannot do. I'm just praying my headaches are not too troublesome, because between them and the fatigue, that can cause problems in doing anything, which is horribly depressing.

Of course it would be the lead up to Christmas - but that can't be helped. If I start taking things easier sooner rather than later, I should be able to manage at least attending things, if not participating in a way I would like.

Such is life with CFS/ME.

me, myself and I

Last week we had the opportunity to go and hear Dallas Willard speak in Swindon (which I mainly equate with Jasper Fforde novels - and yes we did go on a Thursday!)  Talking about 'private religion and public reality' I scribbled manic amounts of notes, which I must type up so that they don't simply end up buried in my notebook.  I'm sure many life changing words are buried in the notebooks of life.

Really enjoyed a bit of deep thinking and reflection, particular in the area of knowledge and faith, and how often Christianity emphasises Commitment and Profession (of faith) over faith based on knowledge - to its detriment.  There's much more to chew over, of course, and if you're really interested, I can go into it in some more detail another time.


Had a neurologist appointment this afternoon over what they call my 'chronic daily headaches'.  Was rather a long wait (an hour and a half in a waiting room on a day as warm as this is an interesting experience), but I got in eventually, and appreciate the time she took over the problem.  (There's always two sides to it, isn't there?)  I've not got much to take away except the suggestion more physio would be helpful (something I knew already but was helpful to be officially supported in that) and taking me off painkillers for now.  Just in case they are perpetuating the headache.  Since I'm not a painkiller fiend I doubt this is so but I willing to give it a try.  I just hope my hip pain doesn't flare up - that's hard to manage without painkillers and I don't relish the prospect.

She (registrar to consultant neurologist) suggested some possible medications which she will also communicate to my doctor.  But I've decided not to go down that route for a while; I've already tried all the usual suspects, and as it is pain management rather than cure I want to try and 'manage' it meds free.  Not that any have worked, anyway!   She also checked all my reflexes and things with her little hammer.  Quite amusing.  Then she started pricking me to check the feeling in my arms and legs.  Lovely.

Preaching a sermon next Sunday so finishing that up, although the bulk is done now.  As long as I don't throw up over the front row from nerves it'll be fine.  Sit in the front row at your own risk.

 I don't get mentally nervous, as I think I've mentioned before.  My heart rate and stomach betray me.  Silly things.  Hissing at my stomach 'what the heck is the matter with you?  I'M FINE!!' does not, alas have much affect.  Ah well.  Never mind!

everlasting arms

Last week was characterised by headache horrendous...am feeling somewhat fragile. Nevertheless, I want to re-boot my writing; I'm afraid I just couldn't manage it last week. I've decided to withdraw from some weekly activities I was previously committed to, as I was so tired by the time I got to a 'writing day' that not much could be eked from my energy-lacking state.

After my intial frustration and anxiety, I feel calmer. I have learned, many times, that God travels with me through light and darkness, and when my strength shrivels, he draws near. I know also I need to be willing to recognise him! So often we grieve over that which we do not have - whether it is the loss of something or the wish for something we have never attained - sometimes that grief becomes a habit that we sink into almost involuntarily.

A very much beloved kindred spirit has set up her own blog and called it 'treasures of darkness' which reminded me immediately of my own affinity with that particular verse.

I need not be frightened of the dark, for God goes before me and follows behind me, stays beside me and hovers below me. My eternal net of safety, whatever the struggle I face. I do not face it alone.  Once I understand that God is my priority and my passion, my perspective-maker and potential-former, the grief recedes into peace.  Whatever else, he is there, and despite my own shortsightedness, he will not lose sight of me.

Underneath are the everlasting arms.

terrified of tiredness

I am struggling with quiet frustration at the moment due to an extreme lack of energy. Well, not so quiet, as am sure Andy would tell you.

The problem is that, for any Chronic Fatigue/ME sufferer, intense tiredness is frightening. We know what it can do, how long it can last, how it has dogged us in the past. We are terrified of tiredness - the word itself completely inadequate - because we cannot reassure ourselves that we will get over it by next week, or that a good night's sleep will see us through.

At this time I'm on more meds for these idiotic headaches (much eye rolling and not so quiet frustration, again). I am aware of the possibility that this utterly shattered state could be a side effect. I spoke to the doctor on Thursday; she said I can come off them if the feeling becomes unbearable, if only to see if it is indeed the tablets to blame. I've decided to do that. I need to know what I am dealing with - and if I discover it is the medication, I can ease away from the automatic feeling of dread.

I have appointments coming up in April - one for the orthoptics department yet again - I'm praying they can at last work out my prescription.  I appreciate them taking so much time over it, but I long for the diagnosis to eventually be made.  (They find my eyes fascinating. 'Did you see the way her pupils dilated?!' They whisper to each other.) The first woman I saw about it shook her head and said 'Oh, you poor thing,' with such sympathy and understanding I almost burst into tears on the spot. Funny, isn't it, how a kind word or action can break you in half. 

I'm seeing the neurologist in May.  Hopefully there will be some clarity.  I know some of it is muscle problems with my neck.  I suspect the sinus problems I frequently have contribute to it.  I know that at least some of the problem with my headaches is to do with the way my eyes work together.  They ache continually.  All the time.  With that and the wider headache (triggered by whatever) and the tiredness caused by medication for the headaches, I feel fenced in, limited, gasping for air.


I'm a writer.  I write.  Headaches, eye pain and mind-fogging tiredness are...not good.

And they make boring blogposts, too!


Glasses image from stock xchng

sniffing and snorting

Am currently struggling with extreme sinusitis.  Haven't made it to church this morning; keep having to scrunch up my face with the pain, eyes watering constantly.  Sniffing and snorting comes with the territory. A bit annoying; I'm supposed to be assessing how my headaches are off medication - this, of course, makes it difficult to tell.  It'll be the doctor for me tomorrow if this continues - it keeps getting worse, not better.

Anyway, feel yukky.  Just thought I'd say so.

keeping on going....

I keep forgetting I've changed my password. It gets me every time.

Worked on my assignment this afternoon. It's an article about being married to church ministry and it is definitely beginning to take shape. Plus I've already done some of the following assignment so that one should follow quite swiftly. Really enjoying this. Feel very buoyant most of the time at the moment, even when tired. Even when too tired to do anything, I turn things over in my mind and formulate new ideas.

I am shattered this evening however. The medication for my head also makes me feel bright but this can be a problem as I end up overdoing things energy wise. I must be careful. The doctor is weaning me off these and increasing the dose of another...if that has no effect I have to go to see the neurologist, what fun.

Plus I've got my eye appointment in November where they will try and identify what prism strength I'll require, as I think I've already mentioned. They put stickers on my glasses which, my optometrist tells me, 'look a bit odd'. Hah, I will walk around looking like some strange alien creature.... It's all good material, I suppose! I have to go on a train journey at the end of November and have to change trains a couple of times - if I'm wearing these sticky things there'll be a whole host of people giving me a curious, sidelong glance....

Even if it's annoying at the time, I tell myself, there'll be lots of anecdotes later. That's what I tell myself....

changing viewpoints

Having moments of real frustration with my headaches, especially as I am so enjoying my writing course. But of course bending over a piece of paper, reading, and looking at a document on the computer all aggravate my head when its in full-on ache mode.

I am seeing the doctor this afternoon; I don't really know what to tell her. However she was going to contact the neurologist for advice so it will be interesting to learn of anymore suggestions. I have my eye appointment at the hospital on Nov 9th, which I'm waiting for impatiently. I'm hoping that by sorting out the prism in my glasses and working out how much help my eyes need to work together, this will at least eliminate one headache factor.

In the meantime, I'm trying to build up my fitness by having short walks everyday and generally being a bit more active. Since my fatigue is not too bad at the moment (yay!) this is more do-able. I think it's worth making myself feel more healthy in other ways. Plus, in one fell swoop, I have signed off cakes, biscuits, chocolate and such like in an attempt to really help my body sort itself out. It sounds drastic, but I know in order to decrease something in my diet, I have to go cold turkey for a while. I've even decreased the amount of bread I eat (hard for someone who adores toast!). When I get the nibbles (I have the nibbles a lot) I put my hand in the fridge and pull out....a bunch of grapes.

Having the writing course seems to have motivated me in so many different ways. My life feels more structured (I've even drawn up a loose weekly timetable), and full of possibilities. Strangely enough, I am so grateful that I did give it up a decade ago...simply so I can take it up now - when I'm so much more aware of who I am. It goes to show, what we think are failures can bear fruit later - and we simply don't see the big picture. So often looking at circumstances in my life from one viewpoint is in fact misleading - as time passes and circumstances shift, suddenly there is a hint of shining purpose.

Even so, I could do without the headaches please!! :)

updating...on me

Ah, me. A little behind with blogging. Still battling with headaches - yesterday afternoon appalling; I'm limiting time on computer. Do need to type up some assignments however. Very much enjoying the course, and surprisingly full of ideas. Long may they continue to flow!

About to enter my 3rd decade but not particularly worried about the fact. Being the youngest of 5, I would never get away with making a fuss about it (in the negative sense) anyway! For me it feels like a fresh start, and I feel incredibly positive. A new decade, with new goals and new adventures.

Hopefully I will be back to blogging a bit more frequently soon, in between other bits of writing. But I have to say those 'other bits' are my priority for now. I have converted my crafting table into a writing desk...

I do wish the headaches would disappear but in the meantime I shall do what I can. At least I seem to be managing the tiredness reasonably well (but it's never good to make that assumption too much - makes me complacent and then I overdo it!).

I'm not reading many blogs due to my head so apologies if you haven't had any foolish comments recently. Hopefully this bit of patter will make up for it a little...

where am I?

Just to say I am still alive! Am still struggling with headaches, and Andy is on study leave so is using the computer a lot. I don't mind - have been doing some creative bits and pieces (as well as nursing my sore head!)

ugh

Headache ridiculous, hence not writing much. Please pray it eases soon. Am so fed up with it. Physio tomorrow, will talk to her about it. Also think will go back and have another eye test in case I do need an extra prism as well. And to top it all off, one of my wisdom teeth is adding to the problem. Help! So tired.

mildly elated

I had a trip to the doctor's this afternoon, another appointment to monitor my headache. Was a little frustrated I had to go this afternoon, since I had our review group session at the CFS/M.E service this morning (nice to see everyone again; the official sessions are over now, but we still plan to meet up). For me that makes a very tiring day.

However, I came out of the doctor's surgery feeling somewhat elated; after feeling my neck and asking me questions, she is referring me for physiotherapy. The previous physio I had, I had arranged myself, and had failed to get a referral from the previous doctor's practice - one doctor there said it 'wasn't bad enough' for physio, which frustrated me - what happened to prevention is better than cure? That was when I was merely struggling with my neck and shoulders - now of course it is causing me headaches and has done so for over a year. Another doctor told me I was too young to have physiotherapy, and perhaps I should wait until I was older - which seems to me to be utterly obscure - does anyone agree?!

Anyway, I hadn't even mentioned it at the new practice (frankly, I'd given up trying) - but she decided it completely of her own volition. I was assailed with relief as I walked home and actually became rather choked up. It's not something I've verbalised, even to myself, but the fact is I am in constant pain and nobody seemed to be taking it seriously. I felt like it had finally been recognised, and confess the feeling of that brought a lump to my throat. Now I can have physiotherapy at one of the local hospitals and not have to worry or feel guilty about spending money.

What a relief.

Today:4/10, medium

yet another doctor's appointment

Am trying to get on with various bits that need doing today, while privately stressing about the doctor's appointment I've made for this afternoon. My headache medication will run out this week, so I have to have an appointment, but the doctor I saw last time isn't there this week so have had to make an appointment with another, unknown-to-me, doctor. I do not relish having to go over this for what must be the fourth time. I'm tired and I have a headache, therefore I'm really not feeling up to it. Alas that is precisely why I have to go. Bleah. I'm hoping I can just be prescribed enough for whatever period he sees fit, and then I can go back to the other doctor to re-group and if necessary change tack on how to treat it. Oh, why won't it just go away?

recent events

I have just walked face on into a cobweb on my way round to the bins at the side of the house. Andy had warned me about this; the diligent spider re-spins its web as soon as it has been destroyed, and the giant masterpiece stretches right across the path. Since I have not walked to the bins from the front way for a while (and if I did, Andy has recently gone round before me, presumably meeting a cobwebby fate) I was not at all prepared and had the strange sensation of walking straight into it. I'm not clear where the spider went - and although I'm not bothered by spiders minding their own business, the idea that it went somewhere on my person is a little disconcerting.

Um, yes, enough about that. My parents returned home yesterday morning. Obviously my entries have not been very regular over this time. However, much has been going on which I would not previously have written about anyway, since I don't feel it would have been appropriate. But now I can share the news! The church has called a new Senior Minister and she has accepted. She and her husband came up this weekend for the final 'preach with a view' and question and answer time with the congregation, and the Special Church Meeting was held on Tuesday, where the vote was taken. I think many of us were nervous beforehand, not really knowing which way it would go, but now it is done and over and confirmed. Obviously this has been going on for the last few months, but as I say I did not feel it appropriate to write about until a decision had been made. So that is fantastic news.

Also on Saturday there was a church building open day, where we could go and look around the building. The result is tremendous. Where there were narrow corridors, cracked walls and difficult access for those less able, there is now an open, light building which flows beautifully throughout. It is now so community friendly and hopefully will be a fantastic resource to help and reach out to those around us.

So this has been a very positive week - even if we have been on tenterhooks at times!

On a personal level, my headaches have been very bad these last couple of days, which I have found a bit discouraging, but I do hope and pray I get some respite from them soon. I have scribbled my ratings on a pad so please feel free to ignore this exercise I am supposed to do for my own benefit:


Sunday 14th: 5/10, horrendously high
Mon 15th: 5/10, high
Tues 16th: 5/10, medium, high later in eve
Wed 17th: 4/10, medium
Thurs 18th: 4/10, medium -low
Fri 19th: 4/10, medium - low
Sat 20th: 4,10, medium
Sun 21st: 4-5/10, medium
Mon 22nd: 4/10, medium progressing to high
Tues 23rd: 4/10, medium - high
Wed 23th: 3-4/10, very high
Thurs 24th: 3-4/10, very high

think on this...

This is the simple card I made for the current Salt Challenge. The gems I used for the flower centres are larger than I wanted them - but I've run out of the smaller ones.


How hard it is to direct our thoughts! There are those who are, by temperament, much more disciplined in their thinking than others - and there are those who can, amazingly, completely empty their minds. But I am so easily distracted! My mind burbles and bustles, tumbles and trundles, whirls and wiggles until I just want to say shut up. Directing my thoughts, and meditating, is a discipline I have been trying to learn, especially with the scheduled rests that are part of the lifestyle manage programme for my CFS/ME. At the moment I am finding it tremendously difficult...but I am digressing (something my mind is very, very good at).

How easy it is to have our minds dwell on unhelpful things. These can be dark, evil things, but they can also be more subtle. How easily we can become frantic or anxious. How easily we can forget to look towards the light. This is a challenge for me because I have such a chaotic mind. It goes off track very easily. Thus I find it hard to have long, established quiet times with God like some people do. I want to. I want to think about things of God instead of things of me, of my worries, of negative thoughts about life and health, about future and circumstance. I want to direct my thoughts towards things such as those in this verse, and sometimes I succeed. And sometimes I don't. I can only be honest with God, and pray that he helps me.

Today I had a doctor's appointment, with my new doctor. She seems nice - my records haven't caught up with me yet so I had to give a brief resume - not the easiest thing and I gabbled on rather fast as I didn't want to take up too much of her time! Still, she was helpful, and I think I will be able to talk to her in future, which was the whole point of changing. She upped my dosage of the tablets I am on for my head, as I am on a very tiny dose, to see if that helps. Even the new dosage is classified as small, so I am happy with that.

I have an appointment at the clinic of the CFS/ME service tomorrow. I think they are worried that I am getting depressed and not managing very well. As I said to my doctor, I would describe my feelings as emotionally weary. Because I am so wretchedly tired, and this frustrating headache / neck ache in addition to it, I feel ill equipped to deal with events - whether they be physically or mentally demanding. I feel very easily swamped, and drawn to anxiety. But it is not constant - it is only on the days I am particularly tired, or when circumstances have piled up unhelpfully. I pray that the discussion will be constructive and I can go away feeling comfortable with the outcome.

Do you ever wish you had an 'off' switch? Or at least a 'standby' mode where you weren't thinking anything, just recharging? I do.

Today: 4/10, high

typing up and up and up

Well, I've got to day 9 but my head hurts so you'll have to wait for the rest! I'm talking about my holiday entries, of course. Day 1 starts on July 5th. Kept forgetting to backdate, photos messed up formatting, nothing is ever simple.

Have to stop before my neck goes rigid, which is not allowed....which reminds me I forgot to do my ratings while away (tsk tsk). How silly, since I kept an account. I can say that my headache was reasonably low except for the last couple of days; my routine was a little stretched (my activity levels went higher than they should be) and I missed a few rests, so am feeling quite tired now, and any ups and downs were fairly predictable. It was nice to pretend I was a normal person and ignore the dormant tiredness; alas now there is no more pretending and I have to be very, very sensible.

Today: 4-5/10, high

undercooked chicken and holiday packing

Ow, I ache. Alas I've not done anything to make me ache, which is why it is particularly annoying. Have I been on a hike up a beautiful mountain? Noooo. Weary. Risked poisoning us with undercooked chicken on Friday because I was tired and not with it. No terrible pains or running to the loo, thank goodness, and now that 24 hours have been and gone am beginning to relax - at least about that. Andy's Uncle's funeral is tomorrow, and we intended to go, but Andy is just too exhausted to do the journey. We were going to stop off at my parents tonight, but that would still mean possibly over 9 hours travelling in total tomorrow (the last leg of the journey plus return home). He worked all yesterday and then had prayer meeting this morning, morning church service and now is out at an Alpha Course. If we'd have gone, we'd have left as soon as he got back from that - and then he has a Deacon's Meeting tomorrow night he'd have had to get back for after attending the funeral (plus extras).

We joke you couldn't make one healthy person out of both of us put together these days. I still feel floored by last week's nightmare headache, which has gone back to lurking irritably about my temples and my eyebrows.

We are going on holiday very soon, which is delicious - but of course I have to retain enough energy to pack and sort everything out before we leave. Isn't that the trouble with holidays? All the packing and unpacking...bleah.
It's really more what I'm afraid I'll forget to do before we go. Don't ask me what; I've forgotten already. I hope desperately that it can be time of re-charging and relaxing for us both - that there won't be any hiccups and we can simply revel in being away. Sometimes we get to our holidays and the exhaustion simply hits. I would like us to feel happy to rest but without feeling completely incapacitated.

75

I haven't written much this week as I've had the most appalling headache, although I'm aware that I should be taking note of it. Wednesday was the worst - there was a point when mere gentle movement set off the great clanging pain that is my head. Today it is still what I would call 'high' but I haven't taken any painkillers, so it is much better than Wednesday when I was and the pain was worse than it is now.

Trying to think of this week, but failing miserably. What would I like to remember when I am 75 and looking through my blog (strange thought - hello, 75 year old me - if the world hasn't ended or the Internet turned rogue)?. There's a sweet baby blue tit which is hungrily at the peanut feeder frequently. He is still yellow in the face with a slate grey cap which has yet to become blue. Also a young robin which is also sweet, now with a faint tinge of orange on its chest but with a permanently perplexed air. Have done some bits of gardening and planting out, and started making lists for when we go on holiday.

I've also been thinking about how unpedestrian friendly life is...especially in light of experiences last week, trying to cross busy roads and struggling to keep on the verge until we reach the path. Frequently I wonder about the future of the car in general. When will anyone ever want to give up the little bubbles they drive around in? When will the petrol companies stop sitting on the patents for alternative cars? And even if we ended up with electric cars, would it still be a good thing for our lives to be so ruled by them there is no room for people on foot at all? If there was a guilt-free, 'environmentally friendly' way to drive, would it get rid of all complaints? Or would we simply have to build so many roads that there was no green left? Will there be a public transport system that is actually preferable to individual cars? Is it feasible to have privately owned vehicles indefinitely? Will the big aeroplanes become unfeasible and become legend?

I'd be interested, 75 year old me, to hear your observations on the matter.

Tuesday: 5/10, medium high
Wednesday: 4/10, super high
Thursday: 4/10, high
Friday: 4/10, medium high

feeling welcome

Well, I finally made it to the doctor's this morning...I tried to make an appointment last week but the doctor in question was away, and I was fed up of going from doctor to doctor (the two I saw previously have now left the practise). Then I walked to the chemist to get my prescription for some more of these headache tablets. The doctor reiterated that it may take up to a year. Ho hum. Alas the appointment clashed with my first rest stop, but the day after a Bank Holiday Monday is not going to be an easy one to get the appointment time you want...

Yesterday we stayed in for the Bank Holiday since the rain was ridiculous, certainly during the first part of the day. Charlie's hutch was standing in a pool of water. I brought him inside for my sake as much as his. The legs on his hutch are plastic so it's not too much of a problem, but I needed to put my wellies on just to reach him. The weather forecast was rain until Friday, but I've yet to see any today. Charlie doesn't mind; he likes being at the hub of things. He spends most of his time staring plaintively at me.

So, we watched a film yesterday - we got 'Enchanted' out from the video shop. Whether I was just in the right frame of mind I don't know, but I loved it. I thought the bit where she summons the pigeons, rats and insects of New York to do the housework with her (to a happy song) was hilarious. Andy and I decided that there is a good possibility I am a Disney character. I have that dopey streak, and would adore having animals and birds come at my tuneful call.

We went to a different church on Sunday evening as we're not having evening services at the moment due to the building project. I enjoyed the speaker, but couldn't help noticing that absolutely no one came to speak to us. Granted there were a mix of churches there and they may expect a few more strangers than usual, but we could have been anyone. We were much earlier than most and were sitting there by ourselves for ages before many people turned up, and started nattering to one another. I couldn't help a wry smile as I've been reading Simon Jones' book 'Why bother with church?' and in it he uses the anecdote of a woman visiting a church for the first time. The description he used of what going into the service was like was eerily similar - small clusters of people talking to each other, musicians up front, the occasional polite smile. One of our church's great gifts is it's welcome. I'm used to almost being bowled over with people's delight at seeing me. I suppose I couldn't help notice the contrast!

There's a balance between overpowering and completely ignoring someone. Often we don't go up and talk to someone because we feel maybe they want their own space. (I felt a bit of that on Sunday evening - people wondered who we were, but didn't actually approach us.) But that's something we can be sensitive too when we do talk to them - say a warm hello, perhaps ask where they're from, and be discerning as to whether they are pleased to be talked to or would rather have some space. Often people still appreciate a genuine hello and gesture of welcome even if they don't feel like a long conversation. Staring awkwardly at them from afar is certainly not going to help! And simply assuming someone else will talk to them is equally unhelpful - other people may be busy or talking to someone else.

Hmm, have I bored you stiff with my waffle yet?

Energy levels: 4-5/10
Headache: medium

Yesterday: 5/10, medium low
Sunday: 4-5/10, medium - high

just a bit of blather

I haven't written anything the last couple of days - I've been dull and uninspiring! At least I would be if I wrote anything, I'm sure! Nevertheless, I need to update my ratings (sighs, rolls eyes) otherwise I will forget, if I haven't already...

Friday: 5/10, medium
Saturday: 5/10, medium low
Sunday: 5-6/10, medium
so far today: 5/10, medium.

Nothing much interesting there! When it comes to the energy levels this is actually what I'm supposed to be aiming for - that is, consistency rather than highs and lows. So although there is no fantastic improvement, it is a good thing at the moment when it stays the same. Then it can gradually increase - I hope! Headache wise it is very hard to say. I need to go back to the doctor soon to get more pills (sighs again, more eye rolling), and I can't see any significant improvement, but there you are. I hate to and fro-ing from the doctor.

I need to sort out a vet's appointment as Charlie is due for his booster (more sighing, profuse eye rolling) but I am thinking of changing vets to one slightly closer, and perhaps more sympathetic to my situation? But of course sorting out somewhere new is a bit of a chore-bore (bore-chore?) too. Hang on....

...looks in yellow pages...

Hmmm they do have open surgery hours at this practise which may well be easier for us - the other vet is appointment only so there's a lot of checking with diaries etc. Goody! I hate the hassle of making appointments (have I said this before by any chance?!!) So we could just take him in one late afternoon/evening and get him sorted, whenever's best for us. Ahh....that's good.

Blogging does make me do things! More specifically, it helps me remember. One of the most irritating symptoms (of which there are many!) of CFS, I find, is the memory problem. My short term memory can go completely at anytime. All those things people say are a 'sign of getting old' I've been doing since I was 14! I can walk upstairs and forget why I'm there, go back down, remember, go back up, do something else, go back down, then finally succeed to remember all the way up the stairs what I was supposed to do the first time. That is, if I remember at all. Many's the time I'm hit with sudden panic over what I've forgotten. I make a joke of it, but I hate it. I write things down, but there are things you think of on the spot and go to do - I forget on my way there. Sad, isn't it? I was, in a way, relieved to find this was a common symptom - that it wasn't just me. But it does mean I struggle with it frequently. However I am grateful that there isn't a more serious reason. It does make me more understanding, however, of those who do have more serious reasons.

Went for a nice little walk with Judy this morn. My stamina isn't great though. It takes very little to exhaust me. I know it sounds like I'm moaning; I'm not really. It's just what I'm having to deal with at the moment. I'm feeling reasonably content in myself, am enjoying friends' company when I can manage it, and there's a new theory that Vitamin D can help CFS symptoms. The sun can't be a bad thing, then! Though I did put some sun cream on this morning. These days the seasons shift so quickly. Theoretically it's still spring - but stepping outside is like stepping into summer.