changing viewpoints

Having moments of real frustration with my headaches, especially as I am so enjoying my writing course. But of course bending over a piece of paper, reading, and looking at a document on the computer all aggravate my head when its in full-on ache mode.

I am seeing the doctor this afternoon; I don't really know what to tell her. However she was going to contact the neurologist for advice so it will be interesting to learn of anymore suggestions. I have my eye appointment at the hospital on Nov 9th, which I'm waiting for impatiently. I'm hoping that by sorting out the prism in my glasses and working out how much help my eyes need to work together, this will at least eliminate one headache factor.

In the meantime, I'm trying to build up my fitness by having short walks everyday and generally being a bit more active. Since my fatigue is not too bad at the moment (yay!) this is more do-able. I think it's worth making myself feel more healthy in other ways. Plus, in one fell swoop, I have signed off cakes, biscuits, chocolate and such like in an attempt to really help my body sort itself out. It sounds drastic, but I know in order to decrease something in my diet, I have to go cold turkey for a while. I've even decreased the amount of bread I eat (hard for someone who adores toast!). When I get the nibbles (I have the nibbles a lot) I put my hand in the fridge and pull out....a bunch of grapes.

Having the writing course seems to have motivated me in so many different ways. My life feels more structured (I've even drawn up a loose weekly timetable), and full of possibilities. Strangely enough, I am so grateful that I did give it up a decade ago...simply so I can take it up now - when I'm so much more aware of who I am. It goes to show, what we think are failures can bear fruit later - and we simply don't see the big picture. So often looking at circumstances in my life from one viewpoint is in fact misleading - as time passes and circumstances shift, suddenly there is a hint of shining purpose.

Even so, I could do without the headaches please!! :)

a psalm of my own

Was searching (unsuccessfully) for something in one of my old paper journals recently (you know - you have to use a pen), when I found this. Like a psalm of my own, written at a time I was struggling with my role and purpose in life - and of course the broken record that is the fatigue. Thought I would record it here...

O Lord, help me,
my heart is heavy;
it has sunk into the pit
of my stomach,
and my head resonates with the
drum, drum, drum
of daily living.
Where is my hope, O God?
Where has my strength gone?

It has evaporated,
and I am weak, limp
like withered petals,
like drooping leaves.
How can a drooping plant bloom?
How can a withered flower rejoice?
Yet I will hope in my Lord
my Lord, my Saviour.

Forgive sweet Lord my unbelief
do not let my physical weakness
drain away and suck up
my inspiration
like a vacuum cleaner.
Help, I am wilting,
I am unable to stand.
What is the purpose of my existence?
I want to glorify you forever
but I am too weak to shine.
My light grows dim;
I am a smouldering wick.
Take pity, Lord, on my confusion.

Have mercy, O God,
on all my nonsenses,
on all my fickle hope,
on all my dim-wittedness.
Take away this buzz-buzz
buzzing of my brain
and be that still small voice
beautiful.

O God!
I feel the despair swarm in my veins;
it wants to get out,
to spill in all directions.
But who would be willing to clear up the mess?
Only you, O Lord,
have a broom that wide.
Sweep, Lord, sweep me up,
spring clean me with concentrated hope,
set love alive and polish me
with faith, so that
I could shine, O God.

Do not let me fade.
Do not leave me.
Do not turn your face away!
Speak in your glorious whisper
so that I may recognise you,
in the cham-ching-clamouring
of my mind.

I admit, as I typed this up, I added the line 'like a vacuum cleaner' because it was something that struck me today as I was grappling with the vacuum hose how the fatigue sucked energy out of me...but also I pondered my desire that I wish I could suck out the fatigue itself. Sucked out in one big squuuueeeeecccchhh and leaving me lighter, without the grey stuff in my veins - which how I picture it sometimes.

Today: 4/10, medium

God, where are you?

I was reminded today how easy it is to get preoccupied with things which can endanger my vision and my sense of purpose. That sounds a lofty statement! But I do mean it - in a down to earth, bare bones kind of way. If I waste what little energy I have concentrating on little things (hence the previous entry - my attempt at verbalising), I suddenly find myself listless in the important things. I look down and find my feet have wandered somewhere and I panic - God, where are you?

So easy to look away. Even getting confused over matters of faith or life - things that aren't unimportant, but nevertheless, not everything. One bit of uncertainty and something other than that still small voice starts jabbering away, making me lose focus and feeding on my worry like a gang of piranhas, intent on biting away at the most vulnerable parts of me. It feels that vicious sometimes. Then I get dizzy, unable to collect my thoughts, frustrated at my lack of focus. God, where are you?

Quite how he stills the storm I don't know - and why he does it when he does, and not earlier. Something about my readiness, my willingness to hear. A moment when the worry drops away and there is that still small voice, reminding me what I am here for.

Lord, I pray.
I pray you will help me in my worries and stresses
which can become so huge because of the fatigue -
cannon fodder for the enemy -
help me breathe in your Spirit;
help me discover your stillness.
Keep me close;
Don't let me go.

the cause

I have just been on the phone to my mother explaining my new found cause. Initially I found it a struggle to speak. Hopefully as I talk more about this with people I will be able to construct a sentence with out breaking down in tears. But then again, I don't ever want to lose the sense of horror I feel. Haven't felt very well today, but that has not taken away my sense of calling.

I had an email response from Tearfund, who were very encouraged and grateful for my interest. However, they don't do specific work with the women of Darfur in this area. They do however work with women who have experienced sexual violence in the Congo. I was perplexed as to what to do next. I could simply donate to their general Darfur appeal but it is this specific issue and area that has been placed on my heart. (As I look further into this, I do find more and more places and situations that tear at my heart - provoking 'oh Lord, help them...' )

Shared my perplexity with Andy.
'Have you tried World Vision?' He suggested.
I went to the UK World Vision website and after digging around found what I was looking for. They run women's empowerment centres where women can gather and talk safely, where they have support and vocational training. They learn to make energy conserving stoves, which is something I've been reading about - the need for less firewood means less trips to collect it and therefore less risk from rape and other violence. Within the IDP camps (Internally Displaced Persons) they have set up committees to help prevent gender based violence and also provided counselling and support for victims. They promote awareness of the issues within the wider community. (My potted version of what is written here, under the 'Protection' paragraph - but do read the rest of the page too.)

I was thrilled to read about these as it seems to cover very well my areas of concern - including helping reduce the need for firewood etc - very practical measures to not only help but also reduce further risks. So I have sent them an email and wait impatiently til morning (somehow I doubt they have an all-night office worker especially for crazy people like me who have suddenly realised their purpose and want to use this charity to achieve their goal.) I am interested again to know about giving to specific causes, rather than just a general donation to the work of the charity.

Am swaying from moments of surging elation at finding something I feel is my purpose and profound grief over the situation itself. I can see myself turning into 'the one who never shuts up about the women of Darfur'.

Amen to that.


Energy rating: 3/10
Headache: High