the tendency to slide...

Battling weariness these past couple of days.  As I write this, the anti virus software has decided to run a full system scan, which I've minimised.  It's running in the background, slowing things down.  Perhaps I am running a full system scan.  Now there's a thought.  I hope it finishes soon and manages to fix any problems!

Unfortunately this has resulted in some brain fog, and a limited ability to write.  This morning I was at the eye clinic at the hospital, which sucked out most of the morning and pretty much all of my energy with it.  I think these appointments will soon come to an end however - they'll be making up my new glasses soon and have decided my eyes are doing very well.  The orthoptist did her usual here-there-everywhere tests to work my eyes as hard as possible; apparently the results were very satisfactory.  My eyes naturally want to slide inwards; we're trying to train them to hold themselves straight, without surgical intervention.


This is aided by the prism in my glasses, but I've also been doing exercises to strengthen the muscles of my eyes, which make them do what they don't want to - go the other way.  It reminds me in a very physical sense of the hard work required to reverse a habit.


Our reflexes want to react in one way, but we want them to behave differently.  We need things to help us change, but we also need to make an effort to re-train ourselves.  Re-training can be painful and difficult.  But it makes a difference.  We are less likely to slide into our old routines.

I've realised my eyes are stronger for it.  They are less likely to look inwards, more likely to look straight  ahead.

Just as they should.


Glasses image from stock.xchng

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hand holding is underrated

If you're squeamish you may need not to read this post.

Had a biopsy on that little triangle of skin in the corner of my eye on Friday.  It's just like a freckle, really, but they wanted to check it out.  Suffice to say it was a horrible experience.  Once you've had your eye washed out with cleaning fluid and are lying blinking and streaming, with a bright light added to the equation, that's when they stick a needle in your eye.  Well, that little corner piece of skin, anyway.  It was that part (the local anaesthetic) that was most misery-ating (I know, not a word, but it is in my disctionary).  The stinging pain in the corner of the eye is not one you can remove yourself from and I'm afraid I don't even know if my eye was merely watering profusely or I was actually crying.

It's the first time I've had a surgeon wipe away my tears.

They were very nice, although I did get a premonitory twinge when the nurse stationed herself ready to hold my hand.  Hand holding is underrated; I was very glad to cling to her.

I was also given a cup of tea afterwards.  Did I look that bad?

Now I'm praying that it comes back clear so I don't have to go through it again.

As usual in having an experience like that I can't help but be reminded of those who have to have unpleasant procedures like this on a frequent basis. Er.  Almost wrote that it was an eye-opening experience, with no intentional pun.  Ugh.

But you get the point.

Ack.

Am stopping now.

terrified of tiredness

I am struggling with quiet frustration at the moment due to an extreme lack of energy. Well, not so quiet, as am sure Andy would tell you.

The problem is that, for any Chronic Fatigue/ME sufferer, intense tiredness is frightening. We know what it can do, how long it can last, how it has dogged us in the past. We are terrified of tiredness - the word itself completely inadequate - because we cannot reassure ourselves that we will get over it by next week, or that a good night's sleep will see us through.

At this time I'm on more meds for these idiotic headaches (much eye rolling and not so quiet frustration, again). I am aware of the possibility that this utterly shattered state could be a side effect. I spoke to the doctor on Thursday; she said I can come off them if the feeling becomes unbearable, if only to see if it is indeed the tablets to blame. I've decided to do that. I need to know what I am dealing with - and if I discover it is the medication, I can ease away from the automatic feeling of dread.

I have appointments coming up in April - one for the orthoptics department yet again - I'm praying they can at last work out my prescription.  I appreciate them taking so much time over it, but I long for the diagnosis to eventually be made.  (They find my eyes fascinating. 'Did you see the way her pupils dilated?!' They whisper to each other.) The first woman I saw about it shook her head and said 'Oh, you poor thing,' with such sympathy and understanding I almost burst into tears on the spot. Funny, isn't it, how a kind word or action can break you in half. 

I'm seeing the neurologist in May.  Hopefully there will be some clarity.  I know some of it is muscle problems with my neck.  I suspect the sinus problems I frequently have contribute to it.  I know that at least some of the problem with my headaches is to do with the way my eyes work together.  They ache continually.  All the time.  With that and the wider headache (triggered by whatever) and the tiredness caused by medication for the headaches, I feel fenced in, limited, gasping for air.


I'm a writer.  I write.  Headaches, eye pain and mind-fogging tiredness are...not good.

And they make boring blogposts, too!


Glasses image from stock xchng

keeping on going....

I keep forgetting I've changed my password. It gets me every time.

Worked on my assignment this afternoon. It's an article about being married to church ministry and it is definitely beginning to take shape. Plus I've already done some of the following assignment so that one should follow quite swiftly. Really enjoying this. Feel very buoyant most of the time at the moment, even when tired. Even when too tired to do anything, I turn things over in my mind and formulate new ideas.

I am shattered this evening however. The medication for my head also makes me feel bright but this can be a problem as I end up overdoing things energy wise. I must be careful. The doctor is weaning me off these and increasing the dose of another...if that has no effect I have to go to see the neurologist, what fun.

Plus I've got my eye appointment in November where they will try and identify what prism strength I'll require, as I think I've already mentioned. They put stickers on my glasses which, my optometrist tells me, 'look a bit odd'. Hah, I will walk around looking like some strange alien creature.... It's all good material, I suppose! I have to go on a train journey at the end of November and have to change trains a couple of times - if I'm wearing these sticky things there'll be a whole host of people giving me a curious, sidelong glance....

Even if it's annoying at the time, I tell myself, there'll be lots of anecdotes later. That's what I tell myself....

changing viewpoints

Having moments of real frustration with my headaches, especially as I am so enjoying my writing course. But of course bending over a piece of paper, reading, and looking at a document on the computer all aggravate my head when its in full-on ache mode.

I am seeing the doctor this afternoon; I don't really know what to tell her. However she was going to contact the neurologist for advice so it will be interesting to learn of anymore suggestions. I have my eye appointment at the hospital on Nov 9th, which I'm waiting for impatiently. I'm hoping that by sorting out the prism in my glasses and working out how much help my eyes need to work together, this will at least eliminate one headache factor.

In the meantime, I'm trying to build up my fitness by having short walks everyday and generally being a bit more active. Since my fatigue is not too bad at the moment (yay!) this is more do-able. I think it's worth making myself feel more healthy in other ways. Plus, in one fell swoop, I have signed off cakes, biscuits, chocolate and such like in an attempt to really help my body sort itself out. It sounds drastic, but I know in order to decrease something in my diet, I have to go cold turkey for a while. I've even decreased the amount of bread I eat (hard for someone who adores toast!). When I get the nibbles (I have the nibbles a lot) I put my hand in the fridge and pull out....a bunch of grapes.

Having the writing course seems to have motivated me in so many different ways. My life feels more structured (I've even drawn up a loose weekly timetable), and full of possibilities. Strangely enough, I am so grateful that I did give it up a decade ago...simply so I can take it up now - when I'm so much more aware of who I am. It goes to show, what we think are failures can bear fruit later - and we simply don't see the big picture. So often looking at circumstances in my life from one viewpoint is in fact misleading - as time passes and circumstances shift, suddenly there is a hint of shining purpose.

Even so, I could do without the headaches please!! :)