a day like today...

... well, it is today, so what else could it be like?

This morning I had a physio appointment. The last two times the buses have been really unreliable. The first time I got on a different bus than I would have preferred, as there are so few of them, but the normally 'regular' bus was failing me. Worked out all right - the ticket machine was broken so I got a free ride. The second time two buses failed to show so had to ring Andy to give me an emergency lift. Hence this time I was at the bus stop almost an hour earlier than I needed to be, so that I had three possible buses to miss. Of course, the first of the three arrived on time - almost unheard of to be so precisely on time - thus I was sitting in the waiting room for 50 minutes.

As part of a decision to read some well known books that I'd never got round to reading, I had Heller's Catch-22 with me. Every now and then I made a strange snuffling sound, trying to contain a bemused laugh. No one seemed to notice. It's one of...six (?I think?) books I'm currently reading. I tend to pick up books absentmindedly and before you know it there are books in various places all waiting to be resumed from where I left off when last in that location in the house. It works for me, and it amuses Andy, who keeps a tally!

Felt a bit low after my appointment as she is not convinced physiotherapy can do much more for me. Had long winded discussion in which I felt more and more tired and frustrated. I'm having two more sessions and then she will write to my GP. I'd decided to walk into the city centre as it wasn't too far away, but felt rather shattered energy-wise, and frustrated at being shattered. Went to explore the new craft shop I'd heard about - very exciting having one I can get to myself. It was very good, but felt too tired to appreciate it. Thought I'd go and have some form of refreshment, post my parcel, and come back.

Decided to post parcel first. Was stopped by two guys in close succession with clipboards asking me about line rentals, dodged away from them (one hollering after me), suddenly exhausted, feeling rather hounded. When I'm very tired little things like that tip me over into miserably tired. Was compounded by two more reps blocking the stairs in Smiths, which has the Post Office upstairs, and badgering me again. Near tears with sheer fatigue.
'I just want to go upstairs!' I pleaded.
'All right,' one replied, 'I'll catch you when you come back down'.
Could think of no response to that except a small groan.
Stood in cue at Post Office desk feeling stressed. Slipped down the other staircase and made mad break for the door. Making mad breaks is far too energetic for me when the fatigue hits, so felt rather sick.

Succeeded, and due to state of misery walked further down to find the cafe I like, and had a cup of tea and a toasted teacake. Sat feeling stupidly tearful and idiotic. Realised it was pointless to go back to craft shop in current state, so headed grimly for the bus stop.
Ran the gauntlet of the High Street.
'Please God, make me invisible!'
Managed to dodge the annoying reps. Relief palpable once on bus.
'There you are, my dear,' said the bus driver as he dropped me at my stop.
'Thank you,' I replied, with great sincerity.

Sheesh. Such silly things tire me out so much.

shopping, or not

I'm not a fan of shopping. I would never be one of those who listed 'shopping' as a hobby. I find it incredibly wearying, to tell the truth. There are exceptions, but in general I find it quite frustrating, particularly clothes shopping - so often it's impossible to find what you want (though you saw plenty of it when you couldn't justify spending money on it). And trying things on - I get horribly hot and flustered in fitting rooms, especially when tired out and disillusioned and wishing I'd never bothered.

Did, a couple of days ago, randomly try something on and eventually buy it - but I rarely feel confident enough to buy by myself, so this was accompanied by much gesturing and mouthing words to Andy, me from the fitting room and he trying to signal back from the shop.

If it's reasonably quiet, and you find what you want, you stop for a quiet cuppa, go to a cathedral, or the place has a nice atmosphere, I can enjoy myself. It's the environment, I suppose. But I find hoards of people overwhelming, and I know this is part of the 'sensory overload' I get with the Chronic Fatigue, but put me in a shopping mall at a busy time and you'll see my eyes take on a wild, staring look.

My least favourite kind of shopping? Shoe shopping, or anything that involves a shop assistant looming over you while you try it out. My self-consciousness runs riot and I want to scream 'leave me alone!!! Arrrgh!!'

But I don't. Thankfully for the person doing the looming, who is, after all simply doing their job.

It wouldn't be so bad if there were no other shoppers, but that seems rather uncharitable of me...

It's not that I don't like getting nice clothes - it's nice to have something to wear which feels special - but frankly I'd rather be sitting looking over peaceful countryside or a stormy sea or a flowing river than going from shop to shop getting irritable. (And all the people!! They are all coming towards me at once - help!) And getting tangled up in the fitting rooms. This went on over my head- how come it doesn't come off?

Admittedly, the tiredness has a lot to answer for. I simply run out of steam before I start. I might feel a little differently if I was bouncing with energy. Excuse me while I pause wistfully...

Had better terminate this entry before I waffle myself to death. Am generalising, which is something I don't like doing at all. Which is probably a generalisation.

Okay, stop talking.

Really, stop.

I mean it.


Today: 4/10, medium