creating space

One thing I've been trying to tackle these past few days of advent is the general messiness of me.  I mean this on so many levels.  Most of the time it's highly unintentional and undesired, and although I will readily admit to my own clutteredness, it's not something I appreciate others pointing out!

Why?  Because I'm not proud of it. Before you leap in to reassure me, I have to tell you that it is not really to do with what other people think.  It is how it makes me feel.  When my space is cluttered, I feel cluttered. I don't actually like it.  It disappoints me, frustrates me. There are those who are untidy and perfectly happy to be so - but in order to be creative, I need space.  And that means being creative on a whole new level.

There are always so many things that do not have a ready 'home'.  They are impossible to categorise.  My other problem - and it's a big one - is that if I don't see something, I frequently forget I have it.  So I try and keep it visible and accessible.  And still tidy.  When I'm tired, this feels impossible.

This is not just simply objects, but scraps of paper, written ideas.  If I scurry them neatly away, I forget about them entirely.  And my world does not have enough shelves and walls for all my thoughts, plans and ideas.  Drawers need re-organising in order to put things in them, everything has its own domino effect.

I have a messy mind.  It turns over and over, the thoughts tumbling through at breakneck speed.  If I don't bottle them and store them, they are easily lost.  For a writer, this is frustrating.

So, I am trying to create space.  One room at a time.  Trying to declutter, to make things bright and new.  Even with my blog - wanting something cleaner, fresher, less busy in style (hope you like it, by the way!)

Part of this is necessarily to do with prioritising - what is really important?  What do I really need to see every day?  What things, if I forget, really don't matter that much?

In this advent season, when so many of us are consumed by busyness, perhaps it is healthy to have a soul clearout.  Let's not wait till spring.  Let's do it now, preparing our hearts and minds for the coming of our Saviour,  in remembering the past - the incarnation, in living in the present - the Holy Spirit in our hearts and in looking to the future - the glorious reappearing.

These are the important things.  The things I do not want to forget.

switching soundtracks

How do we begin to re-orientate ourselves towards God? Perhaps a little dilution is in order - introducing God-words in our lives to dilute world-words. This could be anything - anything that makes us think about God, encourages us to reflect on what it means to follow him. It may simply be changing our background music - think how a soundtrack on a film sets the tone for the moment.

What makes you think about God? What has always helped you in your journey? It may bear no obvious significance for somebody else, but that doesn't matter. We all have our own ways of learning, processing and remembering.

Sometimes we attempt so much of U-turn that we collapse. You can get up at 5am and have a 2 hour "Quiet Time" if that works for you, but for some of us the initial re-training of our thoughts needs to be more gentle. Instead of cluttering my life with trivia and worry, I want to choose to clutter it with reminders of God. To trigger a different train of thought. To switch soundtracks.

To work on my desire to know God - or least my desire to desire. If I can no longer re-capture the longing, I can at least feel the absence of it. That sense of absence is my starting point.

And I want to fill it with reminders of God until the longing itself reawakens, creating space for the Holy Spirit of God to be heard.

"Advent makes us look for God in all those places we have, until now, ignored." - Joan Chittister

Come, Lord Jesus.

advent beginnings

In many ways, I am a broken record.  I learn something, go round again, forget or ignore the thing that I've learned, and have to re-learn all over again.  It's a tumbling cycle I frequently inhabit and experience.

I admire those who are more disciplined than I am.  My discipline disintegrates very easily.  Just yesterday I was pondering how easy it is for me to squeeze God out of my life.  Not in simply acknowledging him, but in choosing actively to seek him, to encounter him.  We seem to exist in a mindset where we fuel up, jump in and only pull over when the tank is completely empty and wonder why we're making  alarming noises.

So often my prayers are mere hiccups, rather than focused attempts to communicate meaningfully.  My bible reading is as-and-when, trying do it quickly before the next thing comes along.  I would never say it in words, but my actions whisper that perhaps I consider these things mere duties and chores to be ticked off a list.  In reality, they sustain me and inspire me.  I need them.

How can I expect to produce meaningful output when I neglect to grab hold of meaningful input?  For a stream to flow, it needs a source and a goal.  Otherwise all you get is a stagnant pool, and wonder why you don't find it tremendously inspiring.

Today is Advent Sunday - the beginning of the church year.  And Advent is a wonderful tool - introducing a new kind of cycle, putting aside the broken record and re-tuning into the depth and purpose we have been offered.  A depth and purpose we frequently forget.

Perhaps you're like me.  Perhaps your days run away with you, buried in pointless worry or trivia.

Perhaps we could grasp this sense of beginning, immerse ourselves in the time of waiting and re-orientate ourselves.  To change our habits, for so often the cycles we suffer from are habitual cycles.   Following the star that beckons in our hearts, leading us towards a king who became a servant.

And then, with all our hearts, worship him.

image from stock.xchng

plumbing the depths

Shortly after I wrote my last post, the book I had chosen as my next to review from Thomas Nelson arrived.  I am just over a third of the way through, and will probably not get to post my proper review until the new year, but I wanted to share some personal thoughts.  It takes a month for these books to get to me, but this one arrived at exactly the right time.  It is The Liturgical Year: the spiraling adventure of spiritual life, by Joan Chittister.

Curling up with this book gives me a strange sense of peace.  So many of the sentences and paragraphs trigger a whole host of related thoughts in my head, turning them over and pondering the import of them, enjoying reflecting on a deeper level.  of course, the Liturgical Year as it is called, the Christian year, begins with Advent.  So for me to start reading it now is very apt.  I needed some deeper reflection on the things of faith, related to the times of pause and celebration.

'Life is not meant to be escaped, we learn, as the liturgical year moves from season to season,' she says at one point. 'It is meant to be penetrated, to be plumbed to its depths, to be tasted and savored and bring us to realise that the God who created us is with us yet' (p60).

This idea of immersing oneself in the rhythm of the Jesus life finds a reverberation in my heart I did not know was there.  I am desperate to embrace a more reflective way of living, of finding the pause, of not mistaking distraction for fulfilment, or as Joan Chittister puts it, not racing 'over the top of [life],satiating ourselves with the obvious, unmindful of its depths. We become stale of soul.'

In this Advent season, this book has helped me begin to think and reflect deeply once more - always something I have had a tendency towards, but easily crushed and squeezed out by life's inanities, distractions and quick-fixes.  I look forward to reading the rest of the book.

the need for pause

I've put 'writing' aside until after Christmas, so that I had time to get everything prepared that needs doing.  I received a reminder from my tutor recently about making sure I'm working on several writing projects that are not official 'assignments' and on receiving this email I started getting twitchy...realising I was missing writing, even if it is only a temporary lull.  I realised I was suffering a kind of withdrawal, and had to flick through my 'ideas' pages, to remind myself of all the things I'll be able to work on next year.  Still, I'm feeling somewhat agitated without it.  I suppose that's a good thing?!

So easy to get harried and harrassed by Christmas preparations...to almost see it as an inconvenience - not because of the occasion itself, but because of all that comes with it, and time spent on sorting and preparing and...  Any one else in danger of feeling this way?

I have to take time out to remind myself this is advent, not a time of panic but a time of preparation. 

To try and...

Light a candle. Put on some soothing music. Stop, for just a moment.

What do you do to break out of the 'manic' and remind yourself of the specialness of the season, instead of the busyness...?

Instead of unhelpful expectations of things that really don't matter, in the big scheme of things?

In order to focus on the things that do matter?

trying to catch a moment

I keep getting paper cuts from opening Christmas cards. Are envelopes more vicious this year?

As you can see, we have put up our Christmas tree. It looks very nice, although putting it up was rather more difficult than usual, since the metal in the stand has warped. In the end, I had to take it all apart again (cue minor tantrum) and then wrap the stand part in gaffer tape. Unfortunately Andy had just popped out, after I assured him I would manage fine!! Also the top part which slots into the main stand is falling apart a little. So it manages to be wonky in two different ways, although it looks fine from the front, as you can see. Still easier than a real one though, for me certainly, and hearing from my mother today about the trouble they had with my sister's...well.

Have been operating on a step by step basis these past couple of weeks...everything very busy and my energy is extremely low. My headache has been much more severe during this time, which is frustrating, as it seemed to be improving a little.

Am involved with the children's nativity at church, which is next Sunday morning. Have tried to delegate as much as possible but... Have constructed the shepherd's fire this week and was there for the two rehearsals yesterday. It is a mild mayhem. One of the angels stepped on one of the shepherds during the angel dance; the shepherd burst into tears. The lady in charge of costumes is worried that the costume for Herod looks like Dracula. I said I was sure once the crown was on, all would be fine. Two of the three wise men had to be replaced as it turned out they were going away for Christmas after all.

Sigh. Want to spend a bit of time thinking and contemplating during the Advent period but am struggling so much with my energy; it gets eaten up so quickly. Am afraid once I can stop, it will all be over.

***
Forgot to add - Charlie is doing ok. I just have to monitor him and weigh him weekly. Cue interesting moments with kitchen scales and a washing up bowl. He seems just as cheerful as ever. The following is as much as I can do with our digital camera, but if you want a brief moment of him in motion, here goes...

Recent: 3/10, high...high...high