the need for pause

I've put 'writing' aside until after Christmas, so that I had time to get everything prepared that needs doing.  I received a reminder from my tutor recently about making sure I'm working on several writing projects that are not official 'assignments' and on receiving this email I started getting twitchy...realising I was missing writing, even if it is only a temporary lull.  I realised I was suffering a kind of withdrawal, and had to flick through my 'ideas' pages, to remind myself of all the things I'll be able to work on next year.  Still, I'm feeling somewhat agitated without it.  I suppose that's a good thing?!

So easy to get harried and harrassed by Christmas preparations...to almost see it as an inconvenience - not because of the occasion itself, but because of all that comes with it, and time spent on sorting and preparing and...  Any one else in danger of feeling this way?

I have to take time out to remind myself this is advent, not a time of panic but a time of preparation. 

To try and...

Light a candle. Put on some soothing music. Stop, for just a moment.

What do you do to break out of the 'manic' and remind yourself of the specialness of the season, instead of the busyness...?

Instead of unhelpful expectations of things that really don't matter, in the big scheme of things?

In order to focus on the things that do matter?

the child

garlands of light lining the streets
every window an invitation
to find a new present for giving
a new incentive for spending

a flurry of parcels and wrapping
of ribbons, rosettes, of artificial
pine, of the search to find
the perfect gift for those
who are impossible to buy for…

stepping back now, out of the shopping mall
into a different land and time
where love finds its touchstone
and he who sprinkled stars in the sky
sleeps under that sky tonight

a child, one child, the child
who holds the promise of all our futures
tightly in those tiny hands
the mystery of eternal, divine
in the depths of fragile humanity

angels punctuate the sky like tear drops
falling, tears of joy, that baby boy
the one they have come to proclaim
to those in the humdrum, the ordinary,
the miracle of the light of the world
born in the darkness of night

born for them, born for us
the King of kings and Light of lights
hope for all the world.

counting down

Phew. Have not been writing much, due to simple exhaustion I think! Sunday was a very busy day, we had the nativity in the morning service, then we were out for lunch (v nice) and then we had the carols by candlelight service in the evening.

The nativity went very well, with a couple of minor comedy moments (but no one got stepped on, thank goodness). In the last song the shepherds were meant to clap and dance around, but only one actually did so. He did it with gusto, bless him, and it was wonderful to watch. Then at the final chord, one of the others spontaneously threw his soft toy sheep into the air, which caused a great deal of mirth, not least from his mother, who was sitting next to me. (Thank goodness they didn't throw baby Jesus.) Herod, by the way, did not look even slightly like Dracula - so that I'd completely forgotten it had even been mentioned!! He did sport a rather fetching black wool beard.

I read a poem at the Carols by Candlelight service, at the beginning - I could relax and enjoy the rest of the service. I was utterly drained by the end however, and was simply unable to go round chatting to visitors, which made me feel a little dejected, but still it was a long day for me - considering what I am used to. Had to try and reign in any frustration and sadness, knowing that the overwhelming tiredness itself would not help any rationalising that was needed.

Have just come back from having a blood test - what fun. Had to go to doctor's last week in my usual 'have you still got the headache?' - 'Yes' scenario. Mentioned my rapid heart rate and she wants to check my thyroid although of course this has been checked before (is there anything they haven't tested me for?!). I've actually twice been sent for an ECG but because of the procedure they don't think a fast rate is notable - most people are nervous / embarrassed anyway. So all that has established is that I don't have an irregular heartbeat. But still it thunders on. I've been pondering if it has anything to do with the levels of adrenalin and the body's stress response, which I've been learning about as part of the programme (see here).

Meanwhile, Christmas is on the doorstep. If I don't write anymore for a while, I'll take the opportunity to wish you a very happy, blessed Christmas and a wonderful new year. May we all have the moments we need in order to truly appreciate the season...

Today, and most days: 3-4/10, medium -high

trying to catch a moment

I keep getting paper cuts from opening Christmas cards. Are envelopes more vicious this year?

As you can see, we have put up our Christmas tree. It looks very nice, although putting it up was rather more difficult than usual, since the metal in the stand has warped. In the end, I had to take it all apart again (cue minor tantrum) and then wrap the stand part in gaffer tape. Unfortunately Andy had just popped out, after I assured him I would manage fine!! Also the top part which slots into the main stand is falling apart a little. So it manages to be wonky in two different ways, although it looks fine from the front, as you can see. Still easier than a real one though, for me certainly, and hearing from my mother today about the trouble they had with my sister's...well.

Have been operating on a step by step basis these past couple of weeks...everything very busy and my energy is extremely low. My headache has been much more severe during this time, which is frustrating, as it seemed to be improving a little.

Am involved with the children's nativity at church, which is next Sunday morning. Have tried to delegate as much as possible but... Have constructed the shepherd's fire this week and was there for the two rehearsals yesterday. It is a mild mayhem. One of the angels stepped on one of the shepherds during the angel dance; the shepherd burst into tears. The lady in charge of costumes is worried that the costume for Herod looks like Dracula. I said I was sure once the crown was on, all would be fine. Two of the three wise men had to be replaced as it turned out they were going away for Christmas after all.

Sigh. Want to spend a bit of time thinking and contemplating during the Advent period but am struggling so much with my energy; it gets eaten up so quickly. Am afraid once I can stop, it will all be over.

***
Forgot to add - Charlie is doing ok. I just have to monitor him and weigh him weekly. Cue interesting moments with kitchen scales and a washing up bowl. He seems just as cheerful as ever. The following is as much as I can do with our digital camera, but if you want a brief moment of him in motion, here goes...

Recent: 3/10, high...high...high

January

I need to take down the Christmas decorations (gasp! horror! One day late!) but it's annoying me because I have other things to do. Mind you, most things annoy me because I have other things to do. And then the other things annoy me because...hmm, well you get the picture.

Still feeling somewhat snarky after not being well between Christmas and New Year (although it seems few people were actually in good health).

Quick glimmers of sunshine today although am in urgent need of a full day of it - otherwise I cannot shake the January blues. Woke up feeling most unwilling to be alive this morning.