the right to rest

On the shelf in the room next door is a caterpillar.  Not a real caterpillar, I hasten to add.  A wind-up caterpillar, a segmented little creature that once wound up, will squirm its way across the surface.  It will keep on squirming until the mechanism unwinds entirely.  Then it staggers to a halt.  If something gets in its way, it won't stop moving until it has wound down.  It will simply squirm on the spot, headbutting at the obstacle until somebody moves it out of the way.

Sometimes I think we live in a wind-up world.  In this Western culture of ours, at least, we tend to keep going until we cannot keep going, keep trying until there is nothing left to try.  Rest becomes just another thing on the To Do List - a necessity we need to do at some point, but only when we really have to.  It's not that we don't want to do it.  It just becomes harder and harder to justify as the tasks line up in our minds.

What fascinates me about the institution of Sabbath under the Old Covenant is that part of the reason for it is compassionate.  It's not about a list of things that you should do on the Sabbath.  It's about resting yourself and your household and (touchingly) your animals. Those who have no choice when they work are given the guarantee of a day off.  Those who have had no rights are given this right.  The right to rest.

I do not keep Sabbath, not in the Old Covenant sense.  And the idea of Sunday becoming a Sabbath equivalent is not particularly feasible in our household - Sunday is a busy day, Sunday is a working day.  Sunday is a day for worshipping God, for teaching about God, for focusing on God. Sunday is good.  But Sunday is not like Sabbath.  Not for us, and not in fact for many Christians. I cannot shove Sunday into a Sabbath mould.  Sunday is Resurrection Day, the day when the early church chose to remember the great Third Day Spectacular that was Jesus Christ rising from the dead.  I like that.  Sunday is Resurrection Day.

So, instead of keeping the Old Covenant Sabbath day, we follow the principle of Sabbath.  Which is great.  Except sometimes we get so cluttered up in life that our principles get a bit muddled and lost and, rather too often, postponed.

One problem I find is that it's not just about physical rest but turning off our minds.  This will apply more to some people than others!  Some of us have naturally busy minds - be it because we are feeding off the other busy-ness of our lives, because we're worriers, or simply because we're creative and thoughts form entire paragraphs in minutes. And we can't switch off.  Our minds become like that caterpillar, squirming and head butting at what ever obstacle stands in its way.

Because I suffer from Chronic Fatigue (M.E) I have a routine of scheduled rests which I do my best to follow - three half hour stopping points throughout the day, where I lie down, do nothing and allow my body to recharge.  I'm quite good at following this rule on a physical level, but my mind is another story.  I whir away, my thoughts tumbling, until at some point I remember - I'm not supposed to be doing this.  I'm supposed to be giving myself the right to rest - mentally as well as physically.

There are of course various exercises you can do to relax yourself, but I find these lack permanence for me and my chaotic mind.  In the end, there's only one possible thing I can do - and it's so often the last thing.  So often the last thing.  I go to the Lord of the Sabbath himself. How we squirm away sometimes! No. No. Must. Keep. Going. Forgetting that the burdens we place on ourselves are unnecessary.  We refuse to believe this. We assume we must do all that we do. But what if we couldn't? We need to continually look at our lives and ask ourselves: is this really helpful/necessary/important?

Amid the clutter of my thoughts, I go to the Lord of the Sabbath himself.  For I admit, sometimes I lose control of my own mind.  I've wound it up, and now it won't wind down.  There's no switch-off.  It's out of my capability.  I know, amid my struggles and my thoughts - yes even the good  ones- amid my tasks and my ideas - yes even the good  ones - I have been given a certain amount of energy in the day.  I need to look away from the To Do List in my head, even just for a few minutes.  (If you don't have five minutes, you need to look seriously at what you are doing with your day.)  

Because the principle of Sabbath rest holds firm.  We need rest - for body, soul and mind.  We have been created to need rest.  Rest is created for us.  We have been given the right to rest. And to get good at rest, we need to practise it.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Matthew 11:28-29 

counting down

Phew. Have not been writing much, due to simple exhaustion I think! Sunday was a very busy day, we had the nativity in the morning service, then we were out for lunch (v nice) and then we had the carols by candlelight service in the evening.

The nativity went very well, with a couple of minor comedy moments (but no one got stepped on, thank goodness). In the last song the shepherds were meant to clap and dance around, but only one actually did so. He did it with gusto, bless him, and it was wonderful to watch. Then at the final chord, one of the others spontaneously threw his soft toy sheep into the air, which caused a great deal of mirth, not least from his mother, who was sitting next to me. (Thank goodness they didn't throw baby Jesus.) Herod, by the way, did not look even slightly like Dracula - so that I'd completely forgotten it had even been mentioned!! He did sport a rather fetching black wool beard.

I read a poem at the Carols by Candlelight service, at the beginning - I could relax and enjoy the rest of the service. I was utterly drained by the end however, and was simply unable to go round chatting to visitors, which made me feel a little dejected, but still it was a long day for me - considering what I am used to. Had to try and reign in any frustration and sadness, knowing that the overwhelming tiredness itself would not help any rationalising that was needed.

Have just come back from having a blood test - what fun. Had to go to doctor's last week in my usual 'have you still got the headache?' - 'Yes' scenario. Mentioned my rapid heart rate and she wants to check my thyroid although of course this has been checked before (is there anything they haven't tested me for?!). I've actually twice been sent for an ECG but because of the procedure they don't think a fast rate is notable - most people are nervous / embarrassed anyway. So all that has established is that I don't have an irregular heartbeat. But still it thunders on. I've been pondering if it has anything to do with the levels of adrenalin and the body's stress response, which I've been learning about as part of the programme (see here).

Meanwhile, Christmas is on the doorstep. If I don't write anymore for a while, I'll take the opportunity to wish you a very happy, blessed Christmas and a wonderful new year. May we all have the moments we need in order to truly appreciate the season...

Today, and most days: 3-4/10, medium -high

weary day

Weary today. No church, partly due to weariness and partly due to the fact it was a family service and therefore shorter - by the time I got there after my rest it would practically be over. Feeling pretty groggy. Some Sundays work out okay and I manage to see people. Others I am forced to stay at home. Having this cold thing has knocked my already low energy supplies. Am trying not to be too discouraged by it.

In relation to the Charlie pics below, I feel I should explain the towel on the floor behind him. As you can see, it's floorboards, not carpet in that particular room. If he jumps out of his cage and lands on the bare floorboards, he skates across the room in a very undignified manner with back feet splayed behind him. Charlie does not appreciate being undignified and so I lay out the (partially) red carpet for him. It gives him some grip...

Energy levels: 3/10
Headache: medium

managing Sundays

Well, I managed to get to church this morning. I was feeling shattered last night, so planned out how I would manage it...I knew I would leave after Rest Stop 1 so I got up, made myself a cup of tea, read a psalm, and then had a nice relaxing bath. The idea was if I relaxed and pampered myself I would be able to find the energy...I think it worked. It may be a routine I get into for Sundays. I even tried to straighten my hair...quite funny as I never bother with such things normally. I don't have the patience for it I'm afraid; my hair does what it wants. It's very thick. Hairdressers frequently laugh and coo over it (with the exception of the one who did my wedding style - she turned purple and I'm sure she was trying not to swear most of the time!) Occasionally one will be slightly more astute and comment on how long it must take to dry.... Yeah, exactly. I usually just use the dryer and a comb until its dry - styling doesn't normally come into it! However I managed to sleek it down a bit, although attempting to do the back was an interesting experience, using the mirror but of course it was the other way round and I kept moving the straighteners in the wrong direction...at least I didn't scorch myself, I suppose!

I was half an hour late, as I expected, but the seat I was hoping would be free was happily available so I could slip in without drawing attention to myself. Of course I would arrive during prayers, but used the door nearest the back and closed it very slowly before leaning against the wall until the next song! I was tired afterwards, so had to find a seat to have my drink. If I'd had to stand too long I would have felt sick. Still, it was good to make another appearance. Funny moment when a lady came up to Andy and said 'How is Lucy at the moment? Is she away?' and I was standing right next to him! 'Hello!' I said cheerfully, much to her embarrassment.

Having really bad lower back ache today, which is somewhat poopy. Still, such is life. Kaye coming tomorrow.