inspiration

I have put together a proper first draft of my anthology! I had collated a few of those I thought appropriate, but was attempting to write one in particular, but kept stalling. I hate sounding twee when I write poetry. And the fact is I'm out of practice. So playing with words in that particular way has been more difficult than it has done previously; although thinking about it inspiration has always ebbed and flowed throughout my life. It's the working at it when inspiration is low which is the challenge - a necessary challenge for anyone serious about writing in any form.

Anyway, I was taking Rest Stop 4 when inspiration hit, and I'm afraid I did rouse myself to scribble a few lines, lest they dwindled during the half hour I'm supposed to be calm and restful and 'empty my mind'. When I got up properly, I was suddenly able to re-write the one that was bothering me, plus the other one that 'hit' while I was lying down. And with those two, my anthology seems to be complete. I want Andy to read through it, and also my parents, who I'm seeing next week (I'm going away with them for a few days). Just checking the appropriateness of my selection and also the order. Then I need to write a little introduction explaining the purpose, a final proof read, and then we'll go to press!! Well, er, a photocopier.

Was lying there thinking (yes, I know I shouldn't be!) about how easy it is to sink back into life even after the revelatory moment I experienced, and the sudden compassion for the women of Darfur (see here). Actually, shortly after this I saw an advertisement for Kay Warren's book, Dangerous Surrender. I read the blurb and was so struck by it under the circumstances that I knew I should read it at some point. (It's about how she had all these plans for her life and ministry, but how God broke her heart and called her instead to work on behalf of those suffering the effects of HIV and AIDS.) Andy went into Wesley Owen today and saw it while he was there, so picked it up for me. I'll take it with me next week as my 'holiday reading'. On the back it says: You have a plan for the rest of your life. God has a plan for the rest of your life. Are they the same? This is so in tune with my own thoughts at the moment. I've felt such a challenge lately - that all those dreams and visions I've had for my life, all the ways I think I should use my gifts and talents, all the things I wish I could do...all those things may not have anything to do with what God wants of me. There would have been a time when I would have found that terribly hard to accept. At the moment though, it thrills me. Every now and then I have a spiritual skin prickle.

Listening to Casting Crowns in the car when we were driving this past weekend, there were some songs I'd not got round to listening to yet, as Andy only got this particular album fairly recently. And the song 'Somewhere in the Middle' gave me that same prickle...on the same subject.

Fearless warriors in a picket fence,
reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
deep water faith in the shallow end
and we are caught in the middle.
With eyes wide open to the differences
the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His
or are we caught in the middle?


Previous to all this has been my fervent prayer that I would discover who God is, not what I would make him. Now, I discover the impact on my own life - my plans, my assumptions, my dreams...all mine.

With eyes wide open to the differences
the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His
or are we caught in the middle?
(Casting Crowns)

After such a long time of apparent silence, these little arrows of insight leave me breathless, grateful, and longing for more. I am finally at that point, after a lot of grief and tears and bitterness, when I can honestly say I am excited, not afraid, about God's plans for me, and willing to set aside any ideas I had about it. Big words, I know, and I know it won't be that simple. But I am, at least, beginning to hear.


Today: 4-5/10, medium high