update on Fragile World

Thus far I have managed to raise over £350 from my anthology for the people of Darfur (over $600). I send it off periodically to World Vision. I'm pretty pleased with that at this time, and the money continues to come in from various places...a family friend at my parents' church can't get enough of Fragile World and is publicising it left, right, and centre! Which is good, since I find myself feeling rather self-conscious about blowing my own trumpet, as it were, even though the cause is something outside of myself. I'm getting very encouraging comments and appreciative remarks which reinforces my sense of purpose.

I'm thinking next year of collating a book of prayers to raise money for the abused women of the Congo, through Tearfund who work with them directly. I'm encouraged that this is working, and things can be done by those of us who feel hampered by our limitations.

We all have the potential to make a difference in our own way. We just have to work out what it is. And even if it seems to us a small, even foolish thing, it can achieve more than we can ever imagine in God's hands.

Today: 5/10, medium

Yesterday:5/10, medium

a 'fashionable cause'?

Recently I've noticed various needs and areas, including Darfur, labelled as 'fashionable causes'. I'm not particularly happy with the phrase as it seems to reflect - and more seriously, provoke - cynicism and a disparaging tone. But maybe that is just my impression.

I understand the underlying point - some 'causes' are better known and publicised than others, which are just as deserving but do not get this exposure, and therefore the same degree of support. I believe it is important to bring the 'hidden' dark areas to light.

I still don't like the word 'fashionable', however, implying people supporting the well known causes are just jumping on the band wagon. Who are we to judge the motives of others? God knows the heart; he also sees the deeds. I feel we need to be careful with how we word things - not to undermine the good that has and will be done.

Ironically I am the sort of person that hates to be seen as 'jumping on the band wagon'. I don't really hold much truck with what's fashionable and what's not. I put my energies into particular areas because those are the ones God has placed on my heart. Let us not become so obsessed with how we brand our 'causes' that we cease to work for them.

Pondering further, I think of those who talk about things that 'never go out of fashion'. What would I like to see not go out of fashion?

Kindness, justice, compassion.

Today: 4/10, high

up to date news on Darfur

I've been looking for somewhere which has regularly updated recent news on Darfur, and am finding the Sudan Tribune really helpful, with current articles every day. So often I find a history of the conflict up to a certain date, or I've been trawling through the general news. I like to have things chronological and up to date otherwise I easily lose track of what is happening!

My brain needs constant feeding to keep trundling on with something...I wish I was one of these people who can absorb things and then call upon them instantly in the future. Like having a storehouse in your head. My mind is like a sponge - it absorbs things but then dries out again. It all leaks out somewhere. I need to keep it wet!

Today: 5/10, medium
Yesterday: 4-5/10, medium - high

magazine article

I said previously I would post my church magazine article about my 'Darfur Appeal' here. You may recognise the first paragraph from my original entry on the subject (see 'the breaking of the walls') - I needed something to start me off!



Lately I feel like God has been softening my heart towards the world. I don't mean that I am hard hearted, but if we are honest with ourselves, we build up walls around us in order to deal with the horrors we hear of or see on the screen. We don't know how to deal with it, we feel helpless, so some mechanism inside us shuts down our vision and we look away - we walk by on the other side.

In hindsight, I can see God has been preparing me for a new vision for my life. With all my struggles and limitations, it could be easy to consider everything has been ‘put on hold’, but this is not true. Sometimes we need to be stripped of all the things we think define us – the things we get involved in, the use of our talents and gifts, the areas in which we have been comfortable or excelled.

Thus when one day a leaflet fell out of a magazine, my whole vision for life changed. This leaflet was about the women in Darfur. It was about how these women have to travel out of the internal displacement camps to collect firewood and water, and in doing so are frequently attacked and raped by members of the Janjaweed, the militia backed by the Sudanese Government. Every time they leave the camp, they know they are in desperate danger of gang rape and sexual violence. If their husbands go, they are frequently killed and mutilated, if they haven’t been already. The choice is a desperate one. God had been preparing me; all my defences were down; my Western apathy had been taken off-line. And I was cut to the heart. Suddenly I was feverish in my attempts to find out more, to understand more about the situation. I found myself weeping uncontrollably, with a grief that was not just my own but completely overtook me.

The situation in Darfur has boiled and simmered over the last few years, coming on and off our screens. Despite the peace agreement signed by one faction of the Sudanese Liberation Movement (SLM) and the Sudanese government in May 2006, the effects and violence continue. Many women and children have been victims of mass rape, and today still they are in danger. As of last year, the Sudanese government has, in theory, agreed to sending in peacekeeping forces to protect the civilians of Darfur. However, they have still not been fully deployed. Who will protect the civilians of Darfur? The violence and rape, the fear and the trauma, continue.

Sitting in our lounge on an ordinary day in England, I knew I had to do something. Often, as I said at the beginning, these things overwhelm us, so we shut down, even if unintentionally. We are initially appalled, but life goes on and our awareness of the suffering and pain of others fade away as daily life continues. But just because we can’t do everything doesn’t mean we can’t do something, even if it seems so small to us, compared to the vastness of the problems faced.

Here is what I am doing. Firstly, I am trying my best to understand and get to know the situation better, so that I can inform others and inspire them to get involved. I know it is so easy to get muddled and confused by world issues, when they are so many and so desperate. Secondly, and related to this, I hope to be able to pray more relevantly, knowing the issues. Thirdly, I have decided to raise money for the people of Darfur through the charity World Vision. I have begun to put together a small anthology of my poems, entitled Fragile World. For every £5 donation made to this cause, I will give one of these booklets of poems. This, for now, is my ‘something’, my response. So often we feel guilty about what we don’t do, but I feel instead that we should be encouraged about what we can do. There is always something – always.

World Vision has a Darfur Crisis Appeal which works in a variety of ways with the people of Darfur in the Internal Displacement Camps. This includes specific work with the women who have been victims of sexual violence, and also ways of reducing the risk of this violence. They are also in the process of setting up a literacy programme specifically for the women of Darfur. If anyone is particularly interested, I can provide further information on their work, and will also endeavour to outline it further in later magazines – this article would be too long otherwise! You can also go to www.worldvision.org.uk. If you wish to give a donation and receive a copy of Fragile World, please let me know (they will be available from the first week of August). Cheques should be made payable to World Vision; I will mark them for the Darfur Appeal and the charity will allocate them accordingly.
Many thanks,
Lucy Mills

This was of course written before recent events and so does not mention the charges brought against the Sudanese President by the ICC, and any related concerns or events.

nearly there

I think I have finished my anthology. I shall do my first print run (!) next week. At some point I will also post my church magazine article here, which should be published at a similar time. If friends want a copy, they can send me a £5 cheque payable to World Vision together with a second class stamp, and I'll send one to them. Was feeling somewhat stalled the last couple of days as to how to introduce it - in the end I simply did a brief summary of what World Vision is doing in Darfur, and some additional comments of my own along the 'there is always something you can do' line.

I'm wondering if and how their work has been affected by recent events and the charges brought by the ICC against the Sudanese President. I'm praying there won't be violent repercussions for the civilians of Darfur. Was listening to the radio on holiday when they were covering this topic; the tears instantly sprung to my eyes. I was rigid while I heard the voice of a 15 year old girl describing her beating and rape. But I don't flinch away from such subject matter any more - I am disturbed, but I am disturbed into outrage, not into the escape of apathy.

If I feel daunted at any point, I summon back that sense of outrage and the depth of compassion God gave me that afternoon when my world changed colour. These are stronger than my fear, and it shrivels up when they take the stage. Fear is a dictator, but I will not give it power. This may not be much, but it is something I am doing for now. I will not be coerced into believing that because I can't do something huge right now, I can't do something small.

Today: 4-5/10, medium / high
Yesterday: 5/10, high
Wednesday: 5/10, mega high

a little diversion

I'm back, feeling very groggy this morning. Home a day earlier as my parents' car blew the head gasket and they are going back on the recovery truck today (for 350 miles). Andy was at a conference and took a (generous) detour to pick me up and come home together last night. My parents' car broke down on the Monday, 20 minutes from our destination (houseboat on the Norfolk Broads!) so we did not have a car for the time we were there. I shall give a proper account later, when my head is together, have unpacked, been to the supermarket with Andy, and have retrieved my camera from my bag.

Just called World Vision as had two messages from one of their support team on our answer machine. Got through to someone called Natalie, who tried to put me through to the lady who had called me, but I accidentally got diverted to reception, who were perplexed and apologetic, and put me through to a member of the sponsorship team, who said he didn't know why they had done that, and was very sorry (I was laughing by now), failed to put me through and in the end jotted down my name and number and took it directly to her desk, and she called back. They were all very friendly and cheerful, if a little bemused by their phone problems! They kept asking for my supporter number, and I said I didn't have one, although after talking to this lady (I don't know how to spell her name!!!) she said she was sure I was on record, and took my postcode, and there I was. So she gave me the supporter number I didn't know I had (!) I'm wondering actually if the details are from when Andy has contacted them; I know he gets a newsletter, although that is the church address, not this address, and this address is the one they have - I really shouldn't write as I talk; I suspect you are trembling with the lack of full stops. Isn't it funny how reliant we are on punctuation? We actually mentally pause at the end of a sentence. Like so.

Anyway - I told you I was groggy.

She was calling to say they don't have a specific fund for the women of Darfur, something I do realise. They are setting up a specific women's literacy programme in Darfur in about a month if I would be interested in getting involved in that. Hummed and haaa-ed and tried to explain why I was doing what I was. I think, as I told her, I may well divide donations between the two, if I get a reasonable amount. I shall pray for the right thing. Their work in Darfur includes some very specific work with the women of Darfur, so I had decided to simply donate to their main fund, as this was included in it. Does that sound a reasonable decision? And by raising awareness hopefully that will have some impact, too. As I get more 'clued up' with the whole thing, my campaigning may get both wider and more specific as I get my head around all the issues.

Oh well, quite nice to have made telephone contact. They were all very friendly - and I did speak to four of them!

Today: 3-4/10, headache high

inspiration

I have put together a proper first draft of my anthology! I had collated a few of those I thought appropriate, but was attempting to write one in particular, but kept stalling. I hate sounding twee when I write poetry. And the fact is I'm out of practice. So playing with words in that particular way has been more difficult than it has done previously; although thinking about it inspiration has always ebbed and flowed throughout my life. It's the working at it when inspiration is low which is the challenge - a necessary challenge for anyone serious about writing in any form.

Anyway, I was taking Rest Stop 4 when inspiration hit, and I'm afraid I did rouse myself to scribble a few lines, lest they dwindled during the half hour I'm supposed to be calm and restful and 'empty my mind'. When I got up properly, I was suddenly able to re-write the one that was bothering me, plus the other one that 'hit' while I was lying down. And with those two, my anthology seems to be complete. I want Andy to read through it, and also my parents, who I'm seeing next week (I'm going away with them for a few days). Just checking the appropriateness of my selection and also the order. Then I need to write a little introduction explaining the purpose, a final proof read, and then we'll go to press!! Well, er, a photocopier.

Was lying there thinking (yes, I know I shouldn't be!) about how easy it is to sink back into life even after the revelatory moment I experienced, and the sudden compassion for the women of Darfur (see here). Actually, shortly after this I saw an advertisement for Kay Warren's book, Dangerous Surrender. I read the blurb and was so struck by it under the circumstances that I knew I should read it at some point. (It's about how she had all these plans for her life and ministry, but how God broke her heart and called her instead to work on behalf of those suffering the effects of HIV and AIDS.) Andy went into Wesley Owen today and saw it while he was there, so picked it up for me. I'll take it with me next week as my 'holiday reading'. On the back it says: You have a plan for the rest of your life. God has a plan for the rest of your life. Are they the same? This is so in tune with my own thoughts at the moment. I've felt such a challenge lately - that all those dreams and visions I've had for my life, all the ways I think I should use my gifts and talents, all the things I wish I could do...all those things may not have anything to do with what God wants of me. There would have been a time when I would have found that terribly hard to accept. At the moment though, it thrills me. Every now and then I have a spiritual skin prickle.

Listening to Casting Crowns in the car when we were driving this past weekend, there were some songs I'd not got round to listening to yet, as Andy only got this particular album fairly recently. And the song 'Somewhere in the Middle' gave me that same prickle...on the same subject.

Fearless warriors in a picket fence,
reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
deep water faith in the shallow end
and we are caught in the middle.
With eyes wide open to the differences
the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His
or are we caught in the middle?


Previous to all this has been my fervent prayer that I would discover who God is, not what I would make him. Now, I discover the impact on my own life - my plans, my assumptions, my dreams...all mine.

With eyes wide open to the differences
the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His
or are we caught in the middle?
(Casting Crowns)

After such a long time of apparent silence, these little arrows of insight leave me breathless, grateful, and longing for more. I am finally at that point, after a lot of grief and tears and bitterness, when I can honestly say I am excited, not afraid, about God's plans for me, and willing to set aside any ideas I had about it. Big words, I know, and I know it won't be that simple. But I am, at least, beginning to hear.


Today: 4-5/10, medium high

the reply

"Thank you so much for your generosity in supporting World Vision's work and good luck with your fundraising efforts..."

At last! I got a reply from World Vision. After spending most of the day(s) diligently checking both my inbox and my spam folder I didn't initially notice the email when I logged in this evening! If I state clearly where I want the donations to go, they will 'allocate' the money accordingly. The email was somewhat formal but polite, and told me what I needed to know. I'm glad because the work they do in Darfur includes a lot of help and support for the women I am so concerned about. Now I can write an article for the church magazine explaining what I am doing - and who to make out the cheques to, or should I say- 'and to whom to make out the cheques?!!'

a title completely alludes me today

We've been having some Internet trouble of late. After Andy spending ages on the phone and then reinstalling everything, it seems to be all right at the moment. But if I mysteriously disappear, that will probably be why. Probably. I don't want to limit the reasons for any mysterious disappearance I may undertake... Forgive me - I'm a little random this evening.

Nothing much to report - and alas no profound mind blowing entry - much as I would like to treat you to one. It has been raining quite a lot. But it isn't now.

Yesterday a goldfinch visited our nyger seed feeder - that's a first for us. I've not seen any in our garden since that time I did the Garden Birdwatch. We are watching Springwatch - making a mental tick every time Simon King says 'cracking'...my favourite is 'cracking little bird!' but I don't think he's said that just yet. He's cooing over wildcats and ospreys at the moment, neither of which are little, and one of which isn't a bird. Our garden is quite an activity base at the moment - the benefits of a small garden mean you get more close-up views.

There's a great tit family which keep arriving with great fanfare in next door's tree (which overhangs our fence, so it's known simply as 'the tree'). I think they are the pair we've usually had visiting plus their offspring - very like the adults now except their very distinctive cheep-cheep-cheeping and a smudgy charcoal head instead of the adults' sharp black. I think the blue tits must have fledged and I missed it - there was a furore of activity earlier this week back and forth feeding the chicks (and some very vocal activity inside the box). But I've not noticed them today or yesterday - although I've not been looking out of the window so much. I hope they are all right; it's been so wet. Have a special soft spot after our rescue of one of the parents. Dunnocks aren't fazed by the wet though - one was taking a vigorous bath in a flooded patch of the garden path yesterday, in the rain - I suppose that's what you'd call taking a bath and a shower at the same time.

Still haven't heard from World Vision - sent a second email in case they didn't get the first. Rather frustrating - although I did find the section of their website where you can donate directly to their work in Darfur. I'd just like to have a reply, really, so I can be absolutely certain of the right direction for this. Have compiled first draft of anthology. Got somewhat frustrated (again) yesterday as was trying to find the perfect picture for the front cover - I had it in my mind but couldn't find it. Finally found it today...and it wasn't as good as I thought. I'll get there eventually.

My font option has disappeared and it doesn't seem to respond to my manual html today, although it should have. Mmmph.

**Update - ooh it's working now! And because it is, you won't have a clue what I'm talking about. Am I sensible enough simply to delete the previous sentence? Nah.

Wednesday:4/10, medium
Thursday: 4-5/10, medium
Friday:5/10, medium - low

Lynn's competition

Check out Lynn's blog for her competition...can you count the books? If you can, she'll make a donation to the cause of the women of Darfur (if that's the cause you choose!) Find the entry here. Thanks to Lynn for being so encouraging. Still feeling very tired so it's at times like this I need a dose of others' enthusiasm!

the cause

I have just been on the phone to my mother explaining my new found cause. Initially I found it a struggle to speak. Hopefully as I talk more about this with people I will be able to construct a sentence with out breaking down in tears. But then again, I don't ever want to lose the sense of horror I feel. Haven't felt very well today, but that has not taken away my sense of calling.

I had an email response from Tearfund, who were very encouraged and grateful for my interest. However, they don't do specific work with the women of Darfur in this area. They do however work with women who have experienced sexual violence in the Congo. I was perplexed as to what to do next. I could simply donate to their general Darfur appeal but it is this specific issue and area that has been placed on my heart. (As I look further into this, I do find more and more places and situations that tear at my heart - provoking 'oh Lord, help them...' )

Shared my perplexity with Andy.
'Have you tried World Vision?' He suggested.
I went to the UK World Vision website and after digging around found what I was looking for. They run women's empowerment centres where women can gather and talk safely, where they have support and vocational training. They learn to make energy conserving stoves, which is something I've been reading about - the need for less firewood means less trips to collect it and therefore less risk from rape and other violence. Within the IDP camps (Internally Displaced Persons) they have set up committees to help prevent gender based violence and also provided counselling and support for victims. They promote awareness of the issues within the wider community. (My potted version of what is written here, under the 'Protection' paragraph - but do read the rest of the page too.)

I was thrilled to read about these as it seems to cover very well my areas of concern - including helping reduce the need for firewood etc - very practical measures to not only help but also reduce further risks. So I have sent them an email and wait impatiently til morning (somehow I doubt they have an all-night office worker especially for crazy people like me who have suddenly realised their purpose and want to use this charity to achieve their goal.) I am interested again to know about giving to specific causes, rather than just a general donation to the work of the charity.

Am swaying from moments of surging elation at finding something I feel is my purpose and profound grief over the situation itself. I can see myself turning into 'the one who never shuts up about the women of Darfur'.

Amen to that.


Energy rating: 3/10
Headache: High

preparation

Was going to try and type up some poems tonight but suddenly feel exhausted. Have been going through the ones already on the computer and compiling them into one document so I can go through them all. Strange reading poems from different phases of my life. It's a very eclectic mix. Was quite amused by some I wrote when I was studying poetry, both at A level and first year degree level (I did a part time CertHE in English with History before going to study theology). Some of them are really quite good (relatively speaking - compared to others I'd written!), but there's a couple where I read a line and think 'wow, what a great line...but what does it mean???' If I can't understand it how can anyone else?! And others are too personal, even if I feel some of them are my best! I may actually have to write some new ones (gasp). Although I occasionally use poetry to express myself in here and elsewhere, they are not poems I have sat down to write and 'craft' properly. Sometimes they don't need fine tuning - but others do.

Anyway so I'm getting the ball rolling, and although it is daunting in some ways I've had lots of encouragement - and I've not actually told many people about it yet. I'm afraid I don't have huge amounts of readers here! So i shall have to approach it more directly. (Andy reads my blog, and says it is nice, although I'm afraid he does call those of you who leave comments my 'groupies' - my profuse apologies.)

I've emailed Tearfund asking about their work in Darfur, and what they do, explaining what I am feeling so passionate about. I am trying to work out the best way to do this. I want to be able to say 'this is where your money is going - and this is why I'm doing this'.

Right now however I must go and get a cup of something to restore me. I must remember to make a doctor's appointment tomorrow.

Energy levels: 5/10
Headache: medium - high

the breaking of the walls

~I should perhaps start this entry with a warning that it contains difficult and disturbing subject matter about the rape of women in Darfur. If this is a subject you find personally painful, you may wish to skip this entry.~

Lately I feel like God has been softening my heart towards the world. I don't mean that I am hard hearted, but if we are honest with ourselves, we build up walls around us in order to deal with the horrors we hear of or see on the screen. We don't know how to deal with it, we feel helpless, so some mechanism inside us shuts down our vision and we look away - we walk by on the other side.

The crunch really came on Wednesday when after feeling progressively more and more aware of the pain in this world - sensitised in fact, a leaflet fell out of a magazine about the women of Darfur. It seems God had been preparing my heart for that very moment, for without the walls around my heart it felt as if I had been pierced with a dagger. I read about these women who are raped on their way to collect water or firewood - how they have little choice since if they don't go, their children will have no water; if they send their husbands, they will be killed (if they haven't been already). According to the Women's Commission, about 200 women are raped daily. This is not just one man, but many, taking turns. As I have done further research through various charities, I read about how the Janjaweed sing while they rape the women. I have read testimonies from witnesses about the utterly appalling things done to these women - and when I say women I also mean girls - 11 year olds, gang raped by soldiers.

It's all very well hearing on the news about rape and murder and all kinds of violence, but as I determined to look into this further, the horrific reality of it set in. I have always found rape an appalling subject - I can't watch or read anything which has a rape 'storyline'. Not from any personal experience but simply something I have always had an extremely active aversion to - I cannot tell myself 'this is only fiction' or 'that's only ketchup' as you might with more general gore and violence (not that I cope particularly well with that these days either). Hence when I hear about rape 'in the real' I tend to feel overwhelmed by the horror of it.

But here I collided head on with the horror, meeting it with a rising sense of the need to do something. To no longer avoid looking at it but to recognise it - in this place, in Darfur, where it is rife and the women are so unprotected as they are raped by uniformed soldiers, in front of their families, their mothers, their children. I cannot say why God has put this issue in front of me, only that he has. Frequently I find myself crying over it as I think of these women, and praying fiercely for their protection. God is breaking my heart.

In July 2007, a UN resolution was agreed by the Sudanese government to send a UN/African Union peacekeeping force to protect the civilians of Darfur. But full deployment of this force has been obstructed and delayed, and every day the risks and the violence continue.

I am going to quote a witness cited by Amnesty International - again I shall preface this with a warning that this is a particularly disturbing statement:

'Janjawid militia and government soldiers attacked a primary school for girls, raping the pupils. They were aged between 8 and 13. They were in shock, bleeding, screaming and crying. It was horrific. Because I told people what happened, the authorities arrested me. They said, 'we will show you what rape is'. They beat me severely. At night, three men raped me. The following day the same thing, different men. Torture and rape, every day, torture and rape.' - Halima Basheer, survivor of gang rape and torture in Darfur.

I am aware there is little I can do to protect the women of Darfur. But I am determined to continue researching the subject and find any way I can. In the meantime, I've decided to raise money for them by selling a booklet of my poems - such a small, silly thing, but something that at the moment I can do. Selling is the wrong word, I intend to ask for a donation of £5 per person, in return I will give them the booklet, to do with what they will. I may not be very well but Helen Keller was blind and deaf; William Wilberforce suffered from ill health all his life. There is always something. Do we choose not to do something simply because it is small? Do we let those walls reform around our hearts? Do we look into our own apathy and say NO?'

I shall finish with some words I often remember:

"I am only one; but still I am one.
I cannot do everything,
but still I can do something.
I will not refuse to do something I can do."
- Helen Keller