raiding my heart

Last night I read through an old copy of Fragile World, to remind myself of its purpose and vision (for more details, click here). I reached my goal of £500 at the end of last year, and wanted to start my next project, Out of Darkness (its working title), this year. Out of Darkness is proving in many ways to be more challenging, not least because I am starting it completely from scratch. I did write poems specifically for Fragile World, but many were compiled out of those I had written before.

I wanted Out of Darkness to be not an anthology but a collection of 'poems and prayers for a broken world' - a resource for personal intercession, if you like. I hope to use it to raise money for the abused women of the Congo, perhaps through Tearfund, although I will wait until it has taken more shape to look into this further.

Waiting for inspiration isn't going to work; I have slowly begun to put pen to paper and raid my heart, but it isn't easy. I need to perpetually remind myself of those words that so propelled me in the first place - there is always something you can do.

The following is one of those I wrote especially for Fragile World, coming out of the original grief I experienced on the 'breaking of the walls' of my heart. Dear God, don't let me forget it.

Torn

her tears –
flames in the heart
of God, burning –
she,
wonderfully made
but treated as
disposable,
to be used, and then
used up.
ripped apart,
torn inside and out
splintered like a
shell, under
an iron foot.
violated,
her soul turns to ash.
no more heart music –
they have broken her strings.

(C) Lucy Mills 2008, Fragile World

busy busy

Have spent most of this morning printing, putting together, and then stapling copies of Fragile World...quite satisfying, actually, seeing something from the beginning right to the very end. I have some more orders from my mother's end, and also my mother-in-law's, as well as wanting to have some more on hand here as well. Have got quite warm in the process; may have to have a break soon! The sun has been shining again so that is most welcome.

The next couple of weeks are filled with various things and comings and goings so I may be rather absent from my post (haha) for a while. I will, of course, return. Must, must, remember my ratings (sigh).

Today: 5/10, medium
Yesterday:5/10, medium high
Tuesday: 5-6/10, medium
Monday, Sunday, Saturday: far too long ago to remember - probably fairly similar? I have a feeling one day might have been medium low for a change.

update on Fragile World

Thus far I have managed to raise over £350 from my anthology for the people of Darfur (over $600). I send it off periodically to World Vision. I'm pretty pleased with that at this time, and the money continues to come in from various places...a family friend at my parents' church can't get enough of Fragile World and is publicising it left, right, and centre! Which is good, since I find myself feeling rather self-conscious about blowing my own trumpet, as it were, even though the cause is something outside of myself. I'm getting very encouraging comments and appreciative remarks which reinforces my sense of purpose.

I'm thinking next year of collating a book of prayers to raise money for the abused women of the Congo, through Tearfund who work with them directly. I'm encouraged that this is working, and things can be done by those of us who feel hampered by our limitations.

We all have the potential to make a difference in our own way. We just have to work out what it is. And even if it seems to us a small, even foolish thing, it can achieve more than we can ever imagine in God's hands.

Today: 5/10, medium

Yesterday:5/10, medium

idle chatter

Quite a few special occasions for church members this week. On Thursday lunchtime a Golden Wedding, then this morning a 90th birthday open house, then this evening a 60th birthday garden party. The weather is looking brooding at the moment however - although it's been dry so far today. Also on Thursday I went over to M's for a film night with a few other 'laydees' from church which was a bit of a giggle. Quite nice for me as sitting down and watching something is quite easy even if I am having a 'tired day'. We watched The Painted Veil. Needless to say the film wasn't a comedy - but the some of the remarks made were! So I enjoyed that.

Yesterday I sent £105 to World Vision from my first lot of donations from my anthology. I'm going to say something at the end of the service tomorrow. Because I've not been involved 'up front' for sometime a little thing like this seems more daunting. But still, all I have to do is wave an anthology at them (and possibly say something at the same time!!)

I'm doing all right at the moment but battling with waves of frustration at my various limitations. The headaches annoy me, and the tiredness brings me down, especially when it hits me suddenly in one enormous wave.
I have an appointment at the CFS clinic at the beginning of September. I'm also in the process of changing doctors....all very uninteresting!

The garden is a bit untidy at the moment...Andy hoping to do some stuff this afternoon - I'm hoping to join him sitting on the path next to a flower bed with a bucket to collect weeds - of which there are far too many...

Today: 4/10, medium - high
Friday:4/10, medium high

magazine article

I said previously I would post my church magazine article about my 'Darfur Appeal' here. You may recognise the first paragraph from my original entry on the subject (see 'the breaking of the walls') - I needed something to start me off!



Lately I feel like God has been softening my heart towards the world. I don't mean that I am hard hearted, but if we are honest with ourselves, we build up walls around us in order to deal with the horrors we hear of or see on the screen. We don't know how to deal with it, we feel helpless, so some mechanism inside us shuts down our vision and we look away - we walk by on the other side.

In hindsight, I can see God has been preparing me for a new vision for my life. With all my struggles and limitations, it could be easy to consider everything has been ‘put on hold’, but this is not true. Sometimes we need to be stripped of all the things we think define us – the things we get involved in, the use of our talents and gifts, the areas in which we have been comfortable or excelled.

Thus when one day a leaflet fell out of a magazine, my whole vision for life changed. This leaflet was about the women in Darfur. It was about how these women have to travel out of the internal displacement camps to collect firewood and water, and in doing so are frequently attacked and raped by members of the Janjaweed, the militia backed by the Sudanese Government. Every time they leave the camp, they know they are in desperate danger of gang rape and sexual violence. If their husbands go, they are frequently killed and mutilated, if they haven’t been already. The choice is a desperate one. God had been preparing me; all my defences were down; my Western apathy had been taken off-line. And I was cut to the heart. Suddenly I was feverish in my attempts to find out more, to understand more about the situation. I found myself weeping uncontrollably, with a grief that was not just my own but completely overtook me.

The situation in Darfur has boiled and simmered over the last few years, coming on and off our screens. Despite the peace agreement signed by one faction of the Sudanese Liberation Movement (SLM) and the Sudanese government in May 2006, the effects and violence continue. Many women and children have been victims of mass rape, and today still they are in danger. As of last year, the Sudanese government has, in theory, agreed to sending in peacekeeping forces to protect the civilians of Darfur. However, they have still not been fully deployed. Who will protect the civilians of Darfur? The violence and rape, the fear and the trauma, continue.

Sitting in our lounge on an ordinary day in England, I knew I had to do something. Often, as I said at the beginning, these things overwhelm us, so we shut down, even if unintentionally. We are initially appalled, but life goes on and our awareness of the suffering and pain of others fade away as daily life continues. But just because we can’t do everything doesn’t mean we can’t do something, even if it seems so small to us, compared to the vastness of the problems faced.

Here is what I am doing. Firstly, I am trying my best to understand and get to know the situation better, so that I can inform others and inspire them to get involved. I know it is so easy to get muddled and confused by world issues, when they are so many and so desperate. Secondly, and related to this, I hope to be able to pray more relevantly, knowing the issues. Thirdly, I have decided to raise money for the people of Darfur through the charity World Vision. I have begun to put together a small anthology of my poems, entitled Fragile World. For every £5 donation made to this cause, I will give one of these booklets of poems. This, for now, is my ‘something’, my response. So often we feel guilty about what we don’t do, but I feel instead that we should be encouraged about what we can do. There is always something – always.

World Vision has a Darfur Crisis Appeal which works in a variety of ways with the people of Darfur in the Internal Displacement Camps. This includes specific work with the women who have been victims of sexual violence, and also ways of reducing the risk of this violence. They are also in the process of setting up a literacy programme specifically for the women of Darfur. If anyone is particularly interested, I can provide further information on their work, and will also endeavour to outline it further in later magazines – this article would be too long otherwise! You can also go to www.worldvision.org.uk. If you wish to give a donation and receive a copy of Fragile World, please let me know (they will be available from the first week of August). Cheques should be made payable to World Vision; I will mark them for the Darfur Appeal and the charity will allocate them accordingly.
Many thanks,
Lucy Mills

This was of course written before recent events and so does not mention the charges brought against the Sudanese President by the ICC, and any related concerns or events.

day out

Today we went up to visit Andy's parents. Nice to be out for the day, though we were tired when we got back home. Found a rather nice craft shop and picked up some bits - got very excited over scrapbook papers and chipboard letters! I gave a copy of 'Fragile World' to Andy's parents. They are now ready when people want them - I have some 'on order' already.

Today: 4-5/10, medium

nearly there

I think I have finished my anthology. I shall do my first print run (!) next week. At some point I will also post my church magazine article here, which should be published at a similar time. If friends want a copy, they can send me a £5 cheque payable to World Vision together with a second class stamp, and I'll send one to them. Was feeling somewhat stalled the last couple of days as to how to introduce it - in the end I simply did a brief summary of what World Vision is doing in Darfur, and some additional comments of my own along the 'there is always something you can do' line.

I'm wondering if and how their work has been affected by recent events and the charges brought by the ICC against the Sudanese President. I'm praying there won't be violent repercussions for the civilians of Darfur. Was listening to the radio on holiday when they were covering this topic; the tears instantly sprung to my eyes. I was rigid while I heard the voice of a 15 year old girl describing her beating and rape. But I don't flinch away from such subject matter any more - I am disturbed, but I am disturbed into outrage, not into the escape of apathy.

If I feel daunted at any point, I summon back that sense of outrage and the depth of compassion God gave me that afternoon when my world changed colour. These are stronger than my fear, and it shrivels up when they take the stage. Fear is a dictator, but I will not give it power. This may not be much, but it is something I am doing for now. I will not be coerced into believing that because I can't do something huge right now, I can't do something small.

Today: 4-5/10, medium / high
Yesterday: 5/10, high
Wednesday: 5/10, mega high

inspiration

I have put together a proper first draft of my anthology! I had collated a few of those I thought appropriate, but was attempting to write one in particular, but kept stalling. I hate sounding twee when I write poetry. And the fact is I'm out of practice. So playing with words in that particular way has been more difficult than it has done previously; although thinking about it inspiration has always ebbed and flowed throughout my life. It's the working at it when inspiration is low which is the challenge - a necessary challenge for anyone serious about writing in any form.

Anyway, I was taking Rest Stop 4 when inspiration hit, and I'm afraid I did rouse myself to scribble a few lines, lest they dwindled during the half hour I'm supposed to be calm and restful and 'empty my mind'. When I got up properly, I was suddenly able to re-write the one that was bothering me, plus the other one that 'hit' while I was lying down. And with those two, my anthology seems to be complete. I want Andy to read through it, and also my parents, who I'm seeing next week (I'm going away with them for a few days). Just checking the appropriateness of my selection and also the order. Then I need to write a little introduction explaining the purpose, a final proof read, and then we'll go to press!! Well, er, a photocopier.

Was lying there thinking (yes, I know I shouldn't be!) about how easy it is to sink back into life even after the revelatory moment I experienced, and the sudden compassion for the women of Darfur (see here). Actually, shortly after this I saw an advertisement for Kay Warren's book, Dangerous Surrender. I read the blurb and was so struck by it under the circumstances that I knew I should read it at some point. (It's about how she had all these plans for her life and ministry, but how God broke her heart and called her instead to work on behalf of those suffering the effects of HIV and AIDS.) Andy went into Wesley Owen today and saw it while he was there, so picked it up for me. I'll take it with me next week as my 'holiday reading'. On the back it says: You have a plan for the rest of your life. God has a plan for the rest of your life. Are they the same? This is so in tune with my own thoughts at the moment. I've felt such a challenge lately - that all those dreams and visions I've had for my life, all the ways I think I should use my gifts and talents, all the things I wish I could do...all those things may not have anything to do with what God wants of me. There would have been a time when I would have found that terribly hard to accept. At the moment though, it thrills me. Every now and then I have a spiritual skin prickle.

Listening to Casting Crowns in the car when we were driving this past weekend, there were some songs I'd not got round to listening to yet, as Andy only got this particular album fairly recently. And the song 'Somewhere in the Middle' gave me that same prickle...on the same subject.

Fearless warriors in a picket fence,
reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
deep water faith in the shallow end
and we are caught in the middle.
With eyes wide open to the differences
the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His
or are we caught in the middle?


Previous to all this has been my fervent prayer that I would discover who God is, not what I would make him. Now, I discover the impact on my own life - my plans, my assumptions, my dreams...all mine.

With eyes wide open to the differences
the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His
or are we caught in the middle?
(Casting Crowns)

After such a long time of apparent silence, these little arrows of insight leave me breathless, grateful, and longing for more. I am finally at that point, after a lot of grief and tears and bitterness, when I can honestly say I am excited, not afraid, about God's plans for me, and willing to set aside any ideas I had about it. Big words, I know, and I know it won't be that simple. But I am, at least, beginning to hear.


Today: 4-5/10, medium high

a title completely alludes me today

We've been having some Internet trouble of late. After Andy spending ages on the phone and then reinstalling everything, it seems to be all right at the moment. But if I mysteriously disappear, that will probably be why. Probably. I don't want to limit the reasons for any mysterious disappearance I may undertake... Forgive me - I'm a little random this evening.

Nothing much to report - and alas no profound mind blowing entry - much as I would like to treat you to one. It has been raining quite a lot. But it isn't now.

Yesterday a goldfinch visited our nyger seed feeder - that's a first for us. I've not seen any in our garden since that time I did the Garden Birdwatch. We are watching Springwatch - making a mental tick every time Simon King says 'cracking'...my favourite is 'cracking little bird!' but I don't think he's said that just yet. He's cooing over wildcats and ospreys at the moment, neither of which are little, and one of which isn't a bird. Our garden is quite an activity base at the moment - the benefits of a small garden mean you get more close-up views.

There's a great tit family which keep arriving with great fanfare in next door's tree (which overhangs our fence, so it's known simply as 'the tree'). I think they are the pair we've usually had visiting plus their offspring - very like the adults now except their very distinctive cheep-cheep-cheeping and a smudgy charcoal head instead of the adults' sharp black. I think the blue tits must have fledged and I missed it - there was a furore of activity earlier this week back and forth feeding the chicks (and some very vocal activity inside the box). But I've not noticed them today or yesterday - although I've not been looking out of the window so much. I hope they are all right; it's been so wet. Have a special soft spot after our rescue of one of the parents. Dunnocks aren't fazed by the wet though - one was taking a vigorous bath in a flooded patch of the garden path yesterday, in the rain - I suppose that's what you'd call taking a bath and a shower at the same time.

Still haven't heard from World Vision - sent a second email in case they didn't get the first. Rather frustrating - although I did find the section of their website where you can donate directly to their work in Darfur. I'd just like to have a reply, really, so I can be absolutely certain of the right direction for this. Have compiled first draft of anthology. Got somewhat frustrated (again) yesterday as was trying to find the perfect picture for the front cover - I had it in my mind but couldn't find it. Finally found it today...and it wasn't as good as I thought. I'll get there eventually.

My font option has disappeared and it doesn't seem to respond to my manual html today, although it should have. Mmmph.

**Update - ooh it's working now! And because it is, you won't have a clue what I'm talking about. Am I sensible enough simply to delete the previous sentence? Nah.

Wednesday:4/10, medium
Thursday: 4-5/10, medium
Friday:5/10, medium - low

preparation

Was going to try and type up some poems tonight but suddenly feel exhausted. Have been going through the ones already on the computer and compiling them into one document so I can go through them all. Strange reading poems from different phases of my life. It's a very eclectic mix. Was quite amused by some I wrote when I was studying poetry, both at A level and first year degree level (I did a part time CertHE in English with History before going to study theology). Some of them are really quite good (relatively speaking - compared to others I'd written!), but there's a couple where I read a line and think 'wow, what a great line...but what does it mean???' If I can't understand it how can anyone else?! And others are too personal, even if I feel some of them are my best! I may actually have to write some new ones (gasp). Although I occasionally use poetry to express myself in here and elsewhere, they are not poems I have sat down to write and 'craft' properly. Sometimes they don't need fine tuning - but others do.

Anyway so I'm getting the ball rolling, and although it is daunting in some ways I've had lots of encouragement - and I've not actually told many people about it yet. I'm afraid I don't have huge amounts of readers here! So i shall have to approach it more directly. (Andy reads my blog, and says it is nice, although I'm afraid he does call those of you who leave comments my 'groupies' - my profuse apologies.)

I've emailed Tearfund asking about their work in Darfur, and what they do, explaining what I am feeling so passionate about. I am trying to work out the best way to do this. I want to be able to say 'this is where your money is going - and this is why I'm doing this'.

Right now however I must go and get a cup of something to restore me. I must remember to make a doctor's appointment tomorrow.

Energy levels: 5/10
Headache: medium - high