a special weekend

It's been fairly busy since I last blogged - various things going on. Plus we went down to my parents for my 30th birthday one weekend, where I also got to see my sisters and my two lovely nephews - and my brother travelled down which was fantastic. On the Saturday night we had a meal out with the family, plus some old friends from the local area.

The weather was amazing - blazing sunshine and clear blue skies the entire time - we had walks by the estuary and along one of the coast paths. I had a new lens for my camera (wow!) so really enjoyed playing with it. I couldn't have asked for a better weekend.

The night we came back from our meal out the sky was incredible. The stars covered the blackness, and you could even make out the misty swathe of the Milky Way. We got out Andy's spotterscope and - we, my brother and my parents - spent a lovely few moments stargazing and identifying planets and constellations. It was utterly awe-inspiring.

I enjoyed myself so much and it was a wonderful start to this new decade. New dreams, goals and possibilities. And the reminder of the enormity of the universe all around us.

memory lane: the Phantom

When I turned 18 we organised something special to do as a family. So my parents, my sisters, one of my brothers and I were booked to go and see The Phantom of the Opera at Her Majesty's Theatre in the West End.

I had never been to see any kind of show so this was very exciting. My siblings have all lived in the London area at some point in their lives, but at this time I had not often been to the busy centre of London with all the tourist sights, the atmosphere and the glamour of the West End.

There was a change to our plans however - circumstances taking the dramatic turn they did, it ended up that the evening we had booked to go was the day of Princess Diana's funeral. It was unprecedented, and for the first time, the theatres closed and all performances were cancelled. We had to reschedule.

Sadly only one of my sisters and her then boyfriend could attend the performance with my parents and me - none the less it was a lovely evening. This was the first time of two that I have seen Phantom in London, the second being in 2000 when my Brazilian penpal came over to England to meet me. (The original production of The Phantom of the Opera opened on October 9th 1986 - so 2009 is its 23rd year!) I had never been to anything like it and the excitement was palpable. I am a country girl, so it was an unusual occurrence to be in the hub of the capital city.

From the opening of the first act, I was utterly transfixed. It is difficult to explain the impact to those who have merely seen the film version, because so much of it, it seems to me, is designed for the stage. The great chandelier rising up above our heads and the thrilling crashing down at the end of Act 1 - this is for the theatre (I should add here that I say 'cinema' where Americans would say 'movie theatre', so when I talk of 'going to the theatre' I'm talking about stage plays, not films!)

The atmosphere was wonderful. The little shrieks that suddenly bubbled up from the audience as we realised the Phantom was sneaking about on top of the chandelier trembling above us, and later on in the show where the Phantom is taking Christine by boat to his lair - the stage was covered in low lying mist, and candles rose up out of it as the boat moved past, utterly convincing. Because the show is such a long running fixture, the effects show all the signs of a theatre made for the performance. I like that fact I have only ever seen it in its 'home' theatre. It adds a certain specialness to it.

The dramatic songs and energetic performances were equally as gripping. I loved the entire thing. Although, I have to say, nothing can quite beat that chandelier falling from the ceiling...

My sister had been given complimentary tickets to the restaurant at the top of the OXO tower so after leaving the theatre we went to eat there (a bit of a shock to my stomach at having a main meal after 11pm!) . I had a rack of lamb, if I remember rightly, which was delicious but so rich I was full after four mouthfuls!! I can still visualise the gleaming dome of St Paul's rising up in the skyscape that was all around us. Actually, looking it up now I realise how recently the restaurant had been opened when we went there.

We didn't stay overly long in the restaurant, and it worked out perfectly. As we drove back through Westminster Square, Big Ben struck twelve. (Big Ben is actually the name of the bell, not the clock face or tower, although often people refer to it as such.) As I looked up from the car window at the glowing dial and listened to the great, deep ring of midnight, I felt a huge ripple of contentment. It could not have ended better.

memory lane: the wedding

It was 2am and I was sitting in the kitchen with my mother, panicking. It wasn't about the act itself; I wasn't getting cold feet. What was causing me sheer terror was the fact that I would have to make that walk - I would have to walk down the aisle. I could see my legs turning to melted pools of jelly. Frankly, I was afraid I would actually throw up with nerves. Oh, look! Isn't she lovely! Oh look - oh - what - oh dear. The idea was sickening... I was nervous about being nervous.

(For those who only get what I call 'head nerves' this seems bizarre. For those of us with 'body nerves' - turbulent tummies, racing hearts and the resulting nausea, it makes perfect sense. It doesn't matter how calm I am in my mind. My treacherous heart and stomach take over.)

"I can't do it!!" I squeaked to my sympathetic mother.
Couldn't I just teleport to the front of the church and be done with it?!
She prayed for me, and I went back to bed. Eventually, I slept.

At the dawning of the day, it was raining. Three out of my four bridesmaids - Kaye, Sarah and sister Debbie, and I huddled under the arch outside the hairdressers waiting for it to open. (The fourth, my sister Louise, has short, cropped, shiny black hair so opted to stay behind at the house.) My hair is very, very thick. Both in quality and in quantity. The sort of hair that people ooh and ahh over, until they try and get it to behave. My hairdresser was bright red in the face and visibly struggling to remain calm as she attempted to tame the stuff into coils at the back of my head (I counted the grips later - there were about 50 of them in my hair that day). She did a wonderful job.


We scuttled back to my sister Debbie's car, somewhat self conscious with fancy hairdos and wearing jeans... Arriving back at the house (after clutching at my brother for a moment of reassurance) we discovered the bouquets had arrived. They were far more lovely than I had imagined. They included my theme flower, blue love-in-a-mist (nigella), with thistles, creamy roses, pink ranunculus and grasses. The corsages were cream rose buds and Andy's had a thistle.


Now, I had to get dressed, after which I put in my contact lenses. I had to wait as long as possible before I did because I can only wear them for limited periods - I have a prism in my glasses and my eyes simply tire out without it. Thankfully, I managed it successfully and didn't mess up my makeup.

Bridesmaids and my mum helped with necklace, tiara and veil...and I was all dressed and ready. I had two 'special ladies' or 'best women' in addition to the bridesmaids - Laura was involved in the music and the other, Rachel, stayed behind at the house after my mum and the bridesmaids had left, and the car came back for me and my dad. She had the delightful duty of lowering me (in my dress) onto the toilet just before I left the house!

There is a picture of me standing at the door with my dad and I am holding his hand - if you look closely you can see I am squeezing so tight my knuckles are white! I kept gripping his hand all the way to the church - using the other to wave at the interested pedestrians as we passed.

I am smiling somewhat manically in the video of my arrival - the smile is genuine but my eyes are wide with nerves. I remember standing at the bottom of the bell tower waiting to go in, making (half) jokes about throwing up over everybody, with my dear friend and bridesmaid Sarah roaring with laughter behind me. It was very therapeutic. Humour gets you through a lot of scary moments, in my opinion.

As it turned out, I had to concentrate so hard on my dress that my nerves receded into the background - unknown to me at the time, my inner petticoat had got a little rucked up in the car and needed pulling down a little. My feet kept catching the front of my dress and I had to keep slowing down so I wouldn't trip over. My nerves completely evaporated once I had reached the front of the church.

Everyone seemed to enjoy the service. Family members who never went to church made very positive comments about it. The Marriage went beautifully, and the rest of the service was uplifting. It felt so...joyful. The then Principal of our college (where I had graduated a year ago - Andy had graduated just two weeks before the wedding!) did the address. We very much appreciated the effort he and others had made to be there. I remember him talking about the need for forgiveness, and not keeping a record of wrongs. We have the service recorded on CD - I must get it out and listen to him some time.

I wrote a poem for the occasion, which Rachel then read out:

I promise not to leave
when thorns grow up around you;
instead I will make a sword
and come and tear them down.
I promise not to laugh
at the dreams you've held so tightly –
because they are sensitive to light.
I promise to dance with you
even when the music has faded
and I cannot remember the words.

I will do my best not to be irritable
or resentful
even when I am tired and the day has all gone wrong
but when we make mistakes,
let us forgive and move on
and wipe them away at the end of the day
for love keeps no record of wrongs

I cannot promise to heal all your scars,
nor that life will be perfect,
nor that I won't ever feel like giving up.
But I will walk with you in the strength I have
and leave the rest to God.

Love bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things.

Above all else, I promise to love you.

(c) Lucy Mills

When we came out of the church, we stepped into the sun. Our conversational chauffeur informed us that it had been continuing to rain, but had stopped just before we came out. The weather was sunny, but not unbearably hot, for the rest of the day. I smiled so much for photographs my cheeks ached! We had our reception at a hotel near my parents, looking over the beach.

The whole day was filled with the warmth of genuine enjoyment. Many of the guests commented on how good a day it had been, and that added to our own contentment. It was lovely, too, how so many people from different paths of our lives got on so well together.

It was a wonderful day. I could tell you many other things about it (such as the wedding speeches) but this entry would simply be too long. I will simply say that Andy's speech was absolutely lovely. And my Dad accidentally compared Louise's head to a football (!) to much amusement. His speech was lovely, too - there was a moment when his voice caught ever so slightly and I had to duck my head because the tears sprang to my eyes. I don't think many others noticed. But I did.

Above all, I am glad and so blessed to have married Andy.

cakes, cameras, cards, and a bit about books & the weather...

Friday's little gathering seemed to go well. There were 11 of us in all - sadly Sarah was not well enough to come. It was lovely to see Rachel, however. Her archaeological dig was rained off on the Friday afternoon so she curled up on our sofa and read her book - with me joining her in between preparations! M surprised me by bringing a beautiful birthday cake she had made, as you can see, with the help of her 3 year old daughter. Rachel bought me an absolutely gorgeous orchid for my birthday present, which I am now trying to work out how to care for properly in our (somewhat cool) house - I have put it in the spare bedroom as that is likely to be the warmest. I don't know much about caring for orchids - any tips?

I've asked for money for my birthday, towards a digital SLR. Have been trying to do some research but it is difficult to know where to start. I want to get something good, versatile and something I can be happy with for a long time to come. Again, any tips? I'd love something I could use with the old lenses from my film SLR but I'm not sure which cameras take what and scrambling around on Google takes ages...

Andy keeps squirrelling away my birthday cards as soon as they drop through the letter box! I'm afraid I adore receiving birthday cards. I am terribly, terribly sad, because I even count them (sigh). That is my confession for today (!) Seriously, though, the wonderful thing about birthday cards is that they tell a story, of where you are, what new friends you have made, who you've lost - and maybe regained - touch with.

My back aches, which is aggravating. Pfft! I have just finished reading Bram Stoker's Dracula which completely absorbed me the last couple of days - not the subject matter per se, although of course suspense is what is aimed for, but the style of writing. It got to the stage where I was annoyed that I had to stop reading because my eyes were hurting. I did the same thing with the Lord of the Rings once, reading the trilogy in three days flat - yeech!! I was a student on holiday; I had time for such things! Was weird 'waking up' to normality after I'd finished that, if I remember rightly.

Anyway.

A welcome respite from the rain today. The news from Northumberland and other areas, particularly poor Tewkesbury, which was completely flooded only 14 months ago and is suffering the same again, is appalling. I can't imagine losing every thing, attempting to recover, only for the same thing to happen all over again. They are saying that more rain comes in tomorrow...all over the world, the weather rampages...

Today: 4.5/10, medium

just a brief note...

...Wednesday's appointment went very well. After perpetual hissing beforehand about not wanting to go or knowing what to say, it was a real relief. The GP with specialist interest who works with the service is kind, cheerful, and very practical - and very easy to talk to. What they have proposed is that I go into the programme of group sessions - what I should have had last year, but because I was away for the first one I did two individual intensive sessions instead. They feel I need more support from others on the same programme, and that I would particularly gain from the later sessions - on steps to recovery and setting goals, so I don't feel trapped or isolated in doing this any more.

I'd talk more, but rest stop 1 approaches, and tonight I am having a few friends round, not too many, for a mellow evening as a kind of birthday thing. Today is not my birthday, but I wanted to combine it with Rachel's visit. Sarah should be coming but texted to warn me that she woke up feeling awful this morning, so she will let me know later. So I'm gently preparing for this evening - wanting to make things cosy looking and nice, since the weather is awful - rainy and dreary.

Wednesday: 4-5/10, medium high
Thursday: 4/10, medium
Today so far: 5/10, medium

the weekend unwrapped (a little)

Frankly, I can't be bothered with a list of ratings as to 'how I was' this past weekend. Rather, I shall simply note that my energy levels were similar to what they have been recently, and that considering what we did over the weekend, I did reasonably well. My headache is just bad overall at the moment. Obviously Saturday, being a day at Greenbelt, involved major rule breaking as far as the programme goes; I attempted to rest in the car on the way, but the others were impossible to keep.

Rest stop 3 coincided with a talk by Philip Yancey, except that we were sitting in front of the grandstand, which resulted in the strange sensation of his voice on one side and his echo on the other, and as I kept needing to lie back on the rug rather than sit uncomfortably, I didn't hear various parts of what he was saying. Still, it enabled me to be reasonably 'restful' to some degree.

We did go to another seminar earlier, entitled 'God, gods and Galactica', which sounded a promising title but frankly we found it disappointing. It seemed more of a beginners' guide to the basic plot and characters of Battlestar Galactica rather than anything else - and I suspect most of the people in the room were familiar with that already. I was interested in how they would approach and discuss the different belief systems of the Cylons and the humans - and where the series' seemed to be going with this - but this was barely touched on except to say what they were, right at the end. It didn't live up to the title, anyway.

In the evening we basically stationed ourselves on the field in front of the mainstage. It rained at one point, but we had our waterproofs on, sat on our chairs, and turned our water-proof bottomed rug upside down over our legs. (Very useful having a water-proof bottom - and we weren't the only ones.) We looked like an elderly couple sitting determinedly on a British beach in the rain (!)

Still, the rain receded and those who had escaped from it returned. We stayed there until the last act was over - Seth Lakeman, whom Andy particularly wanted to see. I have to say he was very good. And it's hard not to be impressed by someone who can sing, play the violin vigorously, and create a resounding beat with his foot all at the same time. He also played the guitar and the banjo. Separately.

On Sunday I followed my rest regime as far as possible, with rest stop 1 and 4 catered for, but with the family gathering in the middle. It was good to see everyone and I was enjoying myself very much, but then suddenly the tiredness blasted upon me and I was forced to see that I needed to leave.

We saw friends on Monday, and then travelled home in the evening. A good weekend - if not strictly within the rules!!

Today: 4/10, high

idle chatter

Quite a few special occasions for church members this week. On Thursday lunchtime a Golden Wedding, then this morning a 90th birthday open house, then this evening a 60th birthday garden party. The weather is looking brooding at the moment however - although it's been dry so far today. Also on Thursday I went over to M's for a film night with a few other 'laydees' from church which was a bit of a giggle. Quite nice for me as sitting down and watching something is quite easy even if I am having a 'tired day'. We watched The Painted Veil. Needless to say the film wasn't a comedy - but the some of the remarks made were! So I enjoyed that.

Yesterday I sent £105 to World Vision from my first lot of donations from my anthology. I'm going to say something at the end of the service tomorrow. Because I've not been involved 'up front' for sometime a little thing like this seems more daunting. But still, all I have to do is wave an anthology at them (and possibly say something at the same time!!)

I'm doing all right at the moment but battling with waves of frustration at my various limitations. The headaches annoy me, and the tiredness brings me down, especially when it hits me suddenly in one enormous wave.
I have an appointment at the CFS clinic at the beginning of September. I'm also in the process of changing doctors....all very uninteresting!

The garden is a bit untidy at the moment...Andy hoping to do some stuff this afternoon - I'm hoping to join him sitting on the path next to a flower bed with a bucket to collect weeds - of which there are far too many...

Today: 4/10, medium - high
Friday:4/10, medium high

Father's Day cards

Andy's Dad's card:

My Dad's card:

I find using photos useful for masculine cards. And risked my own handwriting for the sentiment. If I do it briskly and confidently, I tend to go wrong less than I would if I do it cautiously and end up shaking!

family weekend

We came back yesterday from going away for my dad's birthday - we had a meal all together on Saturday night and Andy and I stayed overnight at my sister Debbie's. It was a very enjoyable time and we spent much time lazing in my parents' garden. Got slightly pink with the sudden sunniness, so have started dolloping on the sun lotion. First time I'd seen my brother Dave since the Christmas before last. Was lovely and relaxed, and everyone was pleasantly chatty. Including me, of course. I am a bit of a natterer when I get going!! I burble on lazily like a brook. Other times I just sat back and mellowed. My nephews (Sam - 2 and Josh - 7) entertained us with their "light sabre" battles...there was an actual toy light sabre involved at points but most times they used bits of foam tubing from my dad's garage stash, and in Sam's case, a roll of wrapping paper.

Various thoughts have been percolating and hopefully at some point I will put them into words before they accidentally dribble out of my head and get forgotten...

Saturday: 5-6/10, high (but that was partly due to car journey)
Sunday: 4-5/10, medium
Today so far: 4-5/10, medium

when the clouds pass overhead

Am attempting recovery from a grumpy moment. Who, me? I had to write to someone turning down yet another invitation as I cannot do the travelling and I have to admit it brought me quite low. It increases any feelings of loneliness when you're reminded of what you're missing. All these things I would so love to do - and more accurately, the people I would so love to see.

However, I had an email waiting for me from my dear friend Susan Belinda waiting for me when I miserably turned on the computer, which lifted my spirits. We are miles and miles and miles apart but still we keep in touch. (Everyone wave to Belinda!)

Andy at a lecture this evening with a couple of people from church. Something I too would enjoy going to - not that I was feeling it particularly acutely or anything, but the combination... Anyway, I do not feel as bad as I did earlier.

There are various trains of thought burbling in the background of my mind. No doubt I'll express them all eventually.

when the clouds pass overhead
I momentarily lose sight
when the heat of the sun is shrouded
I momentarily lose strength
when I stand alone, with others beyond my reach
I momentarily feel lost

and I turn to You,
reminding myself to be glad
that there is always You

...but sometimes it is hard...


Energy levels :5/10
Headache: medium

cards n' that

I made a 70th birthday card for my mum to give to a friend today. I still have to clear up the mess I made! It was quite entertaining last year as my parents both asked me if I would make an anniversary card for the other...meaning I had to make three cards for the same occasion. The other day I was informed someone had given one of my cards to them on their birthday, and I still don't know which it was!

This is the one I made for Dad to give to Mum (he specified what he wanted)

This is the one I made for Mum to give to Dad

I don't think I took a photo of the one we gave them!

Here are some I've made recently. I thought I may as well post some pictures here. I'm trying to build up a little stash to take to a local arts and crafts gallery to see if they will sell them for me. Trouble is I have so many projects in life that they all take time!

I am currently rather obsessed with buttons!

And am extremely fond of boats.

Flowers in vases are probably my trademark!

Went for a short riverside walk with Judy S this morning and then had a coffee. There was a flock of turnstones running about near the water's edge - very pretty!

Mum and Dad are coming to visit later this week.

Energy rating: 4-5/10

Headache: Medium - Low

home

We are back from spending the weekend at Andy's parents. We had a lunch on Saturday to celebrate their Golden Wedding, in a very nice Cotswold hotel. Woke on Sunday to snow! Melted quickly. Don't know how impressed Charlie was - we took him with us in the smaller hutch we used to use for the guinea pigs. He had his hutch hugger and was in a very sheltered spot. He was perfectly happy when we checked on him in the morning, despite the layer of white. Then the sun came out and I had to pull the cover back so he didn't get roasted. The weather is quite bizarre. No snow here, though we were greeted with some whirling flakes when we returned yesterday early evening. Had a brief encounter with our new neighbours over the fence. The conversation went: 'A bit nippy, isn't it?!' 'Just a bit, yes!' What would we do without the weather to talk about?!

Going to see Ed and Emma (and Ewan and Evie!) on Wednesday, which will be nice. Trying to organise a get together with Helen and Kaye later this month but it's not working out very well. I suspect it would be better to try for something later in the year. Trying to organise things with three people is always more difficult than two! In some ways it may be better as I'm not sure about the travelling with this 'regime' of mine.

The rests are going...reasonably well. In the sense that I am doggedly doing them. The trouble is I am supposed to be as near a 'meditative' state as possible - i.e. not to be thinking as well as not doing. I don't really succeed at this very often! I try to concentrate on my breathing. Listening to meditation CDs works some times but then I start getting irritated with them if I do them very frequently.

I spoke to my new Occupational Therapist last week; she seems nice. She suggested I should keep a daily record of how I'm doing - so I get a sense of any progress. Slow progress is the hardest to see without something to look back on. Perhaps I should give myself a daily rating? Out of ten. The doctor wants me to keep a headache diary too. Perhaps I should note it at the end of every entry here. As long as passers by don't think I'm some kind of hypochondriac! If I forget, you'll have to remind me. I can't work out the best way to rate it. If I do it out of ten it's hard to know which way round... I will go with 1 as worst and 10 as best, I think, rather than higher or lower. The headache I will describe rather than rate. Gosh, I do waffle, don't I?!

Here is today's:

Energy rating: 4/10
Headache: medium

baking

I have been baking. It's Andy's birthday tomorrow. He's knows I am baking so I've not spoiled any surprises. We are both completely hopeless at keeping secrets from each other, anyway. We can't help dropping hints all the time. Impressively for me I have not made much mess at all. Can it be possible I am turning into a tidy cook? I haven't got flour on my nose or anything.

We are going out for a special meal tonight at one of our very favourite places. We only go there on special occasions. Andy has taken Thursday and Friday off (Wednesday is his day off anyway) so he can have a bit of a break and enjoy himself. It is also Andy's parents' Golden Wedding Anniversary this weekend so we are going to a celebration for them too. I hope we have a nice few days. Our main holiday is not until July so the break will be much appreciated.

I'd better go peek through the oven doors.

Tiddly pom pom.

Saturday's Ordination

Meh. Am really rather weary to write now, but will have a go. If I leave things too long, they fade away. It's scary to think of all those buried memories I'll never uncover if nothing reminds me of them. Still, it's fun when one does arise out of the mist - especially childhood ones. A smell, a sound - and suddenly you remember other smells, other sounds, that you'd forgotten.

I digress. As always.

On Saturday we went to Keith's ordination service - I used to work for him when I was 'Assistant Administrator' of the Association. Beryl came with us, but the Saturday traffic was bad and we were only just in time. It wouldn't have been a problem, if there'd been enough seating! So we had to ferry into a room at the back, behind the main sanctuary area (rather embarrassing, as we had to process up the aisle in front of everyone before the service started). Keith mouthed an enthusiastic 'hello' before we crept into the chairs. We were the only ones in there except for one lady and the three people doing the catering, who had positioned their chairs so they could glimpse goings on through the open door. We were in the middle and had to rely on listening to the speaker. Rather strange, I didn't quite know what to look at. We looked down at our programmes, mainly. I looked at the flower arrangement in front of me and tried to guess what was going on by the various clicks and bumps in between speakers.

The funny thing was the singing - only seven of us in the room and three of us in the middle, and of course everyone sang ultra quietly. You could hear the congregation singing with great gusto - but removed. I was determined to sing, however, although this did result in being able to hear me, and Andy beside me, but no one else. It was rather like standing in a room singing all by ourselves, which was rather amusing. You felt you had to sing well, and properly, so when Andy lost his way at one point I had the most horrendous urge to giggle and had to stand in a very obvious silence while I made a supreme effort to contain myself, and then proceeded to sing once more. Well, somebody had to! So my husband and I stood in this little room with a huge flower arrangement and five other ladies, and sang cheerfully.

Stayed for tea, since it was nearly my rest stop anyway, and I'd already missed it. I felt it though, and as soon as it turned 4:30 I was struggling. So we left before 5, but still it was nice to see people in the part where I did have the energy.