making connections

One thing that always gives me a buzz is making connections.

I love it when I'm reading something or researching something and I suddenly branch out, creating my own cross reference in my mind.  It happens when reading the bible (see my garbled thoughts here) but could apply to any area of study or research - or even light reading.  When reading a novel, for example, you will be reminded of earlier points in the story which are triggered by a new reference, a new incident.  The two combine in your mind, establishing a link, reaffirming the relevance of either or both.

Of course, when it comes to studying a topic or reading a text the connection may have been by hundreds of people already.  There may be nothing new in what you see - it may simply be new to you.  But would it have been the same - felt the same - if someone else had made the connection for you?  Would it sink in?  Would it be as memorable?

Sometimes I wonder if we are all too ready to have others make all the connections for us, to tell us where to look, to provide all the cross references we need.  These can be valuable resources, but there is a thrill in discovering something for ourselves.

I love making connections - feeling those synapses fire and fusing my thoughts in unexpected ways.  And although I like to hear and learn from others - there can be something very personally rewarding in making some of these discoveries myself.

Image from stock.xchng

why I love Google Street View

Yesterday's trip went well.  I did indeed head library/cafewards initially - spilling out some words in my well weathered notebook, and having a quick peruse in the library itself before heading off for my 'appointment'. It was great talking to the two pregnancy centre workers - I find on-the-scene research really makes a subject come alive, and gives me the opportunity to meet new people too - we got on very well and I went away very glad to have made contact with such lovely people.

Of course all this entailed knowing where I was going. It was in fact on a bus route of one I already take frequently - it just went beyond the point where I usually got off. This is the classic problem I have always had with buses - knowing where to get off. You may know where it is on a map, but guessing it from the seat of a bus is quite another thing. This is why I love Google Street View. I get an advance glimpse of where I'm heading - not merely of road names on a map but the pizza places, shops, pedestrian crossings that all act as markers. I could tell, for example, that if I passed McDonald's I had gone too far - I'd need to get off at the next stop and backtrack.

And I need more than one marker. There is more than one set of traffic lights or traffic islands on a journey.  I need several backups - things that put the scene in context, let me know where I am in relation to my goal - and in relation to the other markers.


Uh oh.  Analogy approaching.

Sometimes we only use one marker in our patterns of thought and interpretation. We hurtle down the road thinking we're going in the right direction - aha!  Metaphorical weeping willow on right!  But we forget to look at the other markers which define the context, put things in a different light, show us another, better approach. Plus we forget that different people use different markers - different associations, memories, worldviews (street views?!). We can't understand why we've landed at such a different place.

I need to know what markers are there to tell me when to get off the bus. But I need to practise spotting them in life too - whether when reading the written word, listening to a conversation or a quiet confidence, understanding that there is usually more than one point of reference. If I forget to look for others, I usually misunderstand - I get off at the wrong stop and can't work out why.

thinking theologically

The past three nights I've been privileged to attend a series of lectures by NT Wright - it's the first time I've heard him speak and he is a compelling communicator.  I always love learning by listening so this has been great for me - getting to think deeply and theologically (and take copious notes!).

The series has been titled (somewhat provocatively) 'Why we've all misread the gospels' - Monday focused on The forgotten story of the Gospels, Tuesday covered The Gospels in four dimensions - using a helpful metaphor of a quadraphonic stereo system, yesterday's came to the heart of the matter with Kingdom and Cross, and tonight looks at how we apply these things - the so what? factor.

Fascinating stuff - some of which I was already familiar with but I always like revisiting concepts and being reminded of things that have slipped from view.  Will try and post some summaries and impressions at some point.

On a personal level, it's been so refreshing to have the opportunity to reflect deeply and to be reminded of why I love studying theology - it always feels like a constant exercise in uncovering treasure.  It also feeds my mind, which is very much appreciated when I am often isolated in my learning and studying.


Image: not mine!

library love

On Tuesday, after my usual dithering over energy levels (I always have to try and work out how much activity I can do each week) I took myself off to the city's central library.  It had been a long time since I'd managed to get there, but it was clear as soon as I was on the bus that it was a good thing to do.  I find working from home very difficult, in spite of the fact I've chosen to do so.  I often feel daunted each morning about sitting down and starting something, or I get distracted by other chores.  "Going out to work" is helpful for me, as long as I can come home when I get tired.

Initially I took myself down to the lower level and found myself a little booth to work in.  I love that feeling of privacy while still being aware of others around me.  I tentatively brought out my netbook and began to type up some notes I'd scribbled on the manuscript of my book.  It was the first time I'd taken the netbook "out to work" with me since I got it for my birthday last year.

The library is part of a larger building, which includes an art gallery (with small shop) and cafe, as well as being attached to the guildhall and civic centre.  Basically, everything I need is in one place - more energy saving, which is important.  I took myself for a coffee break in the cafe, bagging a sofa and reading an interesting article about a certain tribe in one of the many copies of National Geographic.  Alas, it became apparent I would need to visit the ladies before I'd finished the article (National Geographic articles tend to be long!).  The ladies, of course, was just across the corridor and then I slipped back into the library, this time heading upwards, to check out the Religion section.

I immediately discovered some helpful tomes among the various dictionaries of theology and Christian thought and, finding myself a little table under a window, I proceeded to spend the rest of my time taking notes on an interesting and highly pertinent (to my research) article on memory.  The view was not terribly inspiring (although I believe they are doing some work on the building in front), but if I leaned slightly to the left I could see the saplings in the new Square, and watch pedestrians wander to and fro.  It felt nice to sit in the window, anyway.

The next window along contained a man perched with a book in front of him; he wasn't reading it.  He was asleep for the whole time I sat there, occasionally uttering little peaceful snores.  He stirred at one point, but then settled himself back down.  I'm not convinced he ever intended to read the book.

Reluctantly realising I needed to leave in order to have energy for the rest of the day, I caught a different bus home.

I don't drive - time, health and money have never had the right convergence. Health is the most problematic of all when it comes to learning to drive, although I have had some lessons.  Alas, I would come home shaking with exhaustion which lasted for a week - until the next lesson. 

Buses are important for my sense of independence.  It's only 15p more for a day ticket now than it is for a return to the city, and it frees me up to hop on whatever bus I want.  It took me an unfamiliar and therefore interesting route before dropping me off less than 10 minutes from home.

A very satisfactory morning (although I was very tired in the afternoon) - but possibly a boring blog post!

Image from  stock.xchng

the joy of discovery

Was feeling incredibly weary this afternoon, but decided to do some work on a long term writing project.  So glad I did - was a very energising experience.

Not least because I was getting incredibly interested in researching one aspect of the project.  As I wound down for the afternoon I paused and considered: what if I take this and add it to a previous topic I'd been looking at?  All under the same general banner, but so far divided, subtopics in different sections, if you like.

I took what I'd been learning and applied it to my previous research.

Wow.


It was one of those moments when I realised there was no need for me to make a link; the link was there waiting for me, radiating through the subject matter, ready to be discovered.

I was so excited, mind spinning with delight.

I can't declare that it is an 'original idea'; I'm sure I'm not that clever, but it felt so specific, so different that I half wanted to write a dissertation instead of a book.

You're either baffled in a bored kind of way or frustrated that I'm not telling you what it was.  But my thoughts feel too precious right now; I need to clutch them to myself for a while.  When I express them I'll be doing so properly - writing them out, making the book work.  In all honesty, it's not something I could easily summarize at this stage.

It wouldn't seem all that exciting to anyone else anyway.  But when you've been researching a subject, following ideas and then suddenly, unexpectedly, bam! A new vista opens up, a eureka moment takes place.

I don't have them very often; it felt so encouraging.  It reminded me of the joy of discovery.  I love to learn and to study, and to express this in writing is something I find hugely rewarding.

Book Review: Discourse Grammar of the Greek New Testament

Firstly I should say that this is an academic book.  If you don't have an interest in language or linguistics, and have no inclination to learn New Testament Greek, you probably will not want to read it.  If you are interested in both these things and want to study some of the nitty-gritty elements, I would highly recommend it.

Steven Runge's Discourse Grammar of the Greek New Testament is a linguistic tool and, within the category of an academic book, is accessible and well presented. Although applying the principles to the handling of the Greek text of the New Testament, I would suggest that you do not need an enormous grasp of Greek to get a sense of what is being said here (although you do need to want to learn!).  What would be helpful is a basic grasp, or at least an interest in, linguistics.  By nature the book employs heavy usage of linguistic and grammatical language.

Runge looks at various discourse devices throughout the book.  As he says in his preface, his approach is cross-linguistic and function-based - i.e. it looks at the way languages operate in general, not just Greek, and it looks at how the linguistic features of a language or particular passage function.  Different languages use different methods to create emphasis and draw attention to certain elements, which is where translation becomes more challenging.

After introducing some key concepts and applying them to English examples, Runge then tackles a series of sections looking at various 'discourse devices'.  He explains the nature and purpose of such a device - whether it be the use of certain connective words, framing devices or metacomments, to name but a few.  (Metacomments, if you're wondering, are comments on what is going to be said - for example 'truly I say to you', or 'I exhort you'.)  He uses Greek examples side by side with English translations, marking clearly each device. Most of these devices do not add to the literal meaning of the text  but they often give certain elements more emphasis or 'prominence', being used in a rhetorical way.

I feel it will be a very helpful resource in my own studies - in both Greek and language in general (showing its versatility).  I have been going through it with pencil in hand, studying it rather than merely reading it.

My only criticism is that it does not have a scripture reference index at the back.  I appreciate the passages are being used as examples rather than studied for themselves, but it is always useful to be able to look up any related information on a passage and I feel there is a noticeable gap in this regard.  Neither does it have an index of, for example, particular Greek words that it tackles in the main book.

However, it does have a helpful summary at the back which outlines the topics covered.

If you are studying Greek and have an interest in how language is used, I would recommend this book.

Discourse Grammar of the Greek New Testament: A Practical Introduction for Teaching and Exegesis by Steven E Runge (Hendrickson Publishers/Alban Books) RRP: £32.99

I received this book free from Alban Books for the purpose of reviewing. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. 

on depth and riches

Over the past couple of days I've been doing research into issues regarding the Trinity, in response to a booklet I've been given. The last weeks have been studying the bible and gaining a greater understanding of my own beliefs and why I believe them; these last couple of days I've been going back to early Christian writings to get a sense of what the earliest 'Church fathers' thought.

In this focus, other topics have been temporarily shunted to the side; I've not done much writing or work on anything else. Momentarily, yesterday, this caused some anxiety - but then I decided that looking into the 'deep things of God' can never be a waste of time. I know that many of my friends would love more time to study and struggle to find the time - having the time they long for can make me feel over-privileged in this regard.

Of course, the irony is that the reason I have the time is because of my limitations, my circumstances, my health. Frequently when my head starts spinning and I need to collapse I express pure frustration that I do not have more energy - but of course, if I had more energy I'd probably be out somewhere else, spending that energy elsewhere. I remind myself that God uses our weaknesses, and that he can bring beauty from ashes, and turn problems into privileges.

For those of us who suffer from a poverty of health and of energy, knowing that there are still riches to be found, treasures to be unearthed, is hugely encouraging.

We work within our limits; we discover a limitless God.

intelligent faith

I'm saturating myself in study at the moment, which sounds like hard work.  It is hard work, in one way, but at least I am not suffering from motivation issues.  Due to topics I'm looking at for writing research, including various articles and (eek) the book, plus regular challenging discussions, particularly with Jehovah's Witnesses, my own hunger for understanding my faith is rapidly expanding.  I've always been a proponent of intelligent faith.  Many people think faith is blind.  'Blind faith' is a common phrase, or even more well known the 'leap of faith' (Dallas Willard had some very perceptive comments on that phrase when we went to hear him in Swindon - I intend to look over my notes again on that).

I have faith in someone for a reason - because they are trustworthy, because they are faithful, because I know them.  My faith is based on my knowledge of that person.  It may believe in the unseen, but that is not the same as blindness.  In fact, it could well be the opposite, if you think about it. To keep digging deeper into what my faith means, to get to know what the bible actually says, to remove, as much is as ever possible, the lens of cultural misunderstandings and identify the rawness beneath: all this is valuable.  My knowledge fuels my faith.

No, I don't believe in 'wise words' over and against the demonstration of the Spirit's power (cf. 1 Corinthians 2:4-5), but to use this and other verses not to seek greater understanding seems to me to be nonsense - after all, Paul (who wrote these words), expounded frequently on what his faith meant, especially in response to issues the church was facing (the nature of letters, of course - one side of a conversation).  But when we determine to explore, to the best of our ability, the depths of what we believe and why we believe it, to question continually our suppositions and pre-suppositions, to immerse ourselves in a journey of discovery, we become stronger, healthier, more able to respond readily to those who question us.  It's important to do so in utmost humility, to offer what we have learnt as a contribution to the conversation, without ploughing in waving our discoveries like a baseball bat.

I'm reminded of the angel's words to Daniel in his own quest for understanding:

'Do not be afraid, Daniel.  Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard...' (Daniel 10:12)

a little exploring...

Today I explored the central library. I'd only been to the smaller, local ones before so it was good to find somewhere bigger. Not having grown up very near a city, the country girl in me thought it was enormous! Although the market town near the village I grew up did have a reasonably large library, now I think about it. I think it's because this one's in the town Guildhall and everything is very open plan - over three floors - which gives a feeling of space. It's also very light, with light-reflecting colours adding to the sensation.

I found myself a booth - ooh! a booth! - and examined the magazines available, taking a few notes. I had my current modules from the Writers' Bureau with me, but didn't end up looking at them there. I found the latest edition of the Writers' Forum magazine and spent some time browsing through that in my zone of peace. Apart from that 10 minutes where someone was drilling the other side of the wall! Thankfully they didn't keep at it for long.

There was a good feeling about the place and everyone seemed very cheerful - plus a coffee shop in the same place. I sat in there during what would be my normal 'rest stop 1' and gazed out of the window at the fountain and bronzing trees. A lady came up and said 'would you like the newspaper dear?' I wasn't really bothered, but it was sweet she had asked.

I walked back down towards the bus stop, pondering the fact I've lived in the area 5 years but never been in the main central library before. We think of 'exploring' as something dramatic and farflung - 'deepest, darkest Peru', to use a cliche - but what do we forget to explore in our own local area? How many things have we simply discounted because we haven't realised they were even there?

Perhaps we should make exploring a weekly, even daily habit. Finding the new, in the midst of the familiar.

updating...on me

Ah, me. A little behind with blogging. Still battling with headaches - yesterday afternoon appalling; I'm limiting time on computer. Do need to type up some assignments however. Very much enjoying the course, and surprisingly full of ideas. Long may they continue to flow!

About to enter my 3rd decade but not particularly worried about the fact. Being the youngest of 5, I would never get away with making a fuss about it (in the negative sense) anyway! For me it feels like a fresh start, and I feel incredibly positive. A new decade, with new goals and new adventures.

Hopefully I will be back to blogging a bit more frequently soon, in between other bits of writing. But I have to say those 'other bits' are my priority for now. I have converted my crafting table into a writing desk...

I do wish the headaches would disappear but in the meantime I shall do what I can. At least I seem to be managing the tiredness reasonably well (but it's never good to make that assumption too much - makes me complacent and then I overdo it!).

I'm not reading many blogs due to my head so apologies if you haven't had any foolish comments recently. Hopefully this bit of patter will make up for it a little...

re-beginnings

The last couple of days have seen me go from slump to surge of positivity - despite still battling the eternal headache, plus the nausea from an increase of medication (which is supposed to ease the headache, hmm). Yesterday morning I simply felt miserable, wanting to be able to do something, I can't quite explain it. Simply feeling ill all the time and feeling unable to contribute to our life together (Andy will disagree on this point but I can't help feeling it sometimes!) brings me down. I spent most of the morning trying to research possibilities and in the end was even less hopeful than the start. I simply prayed: 'God, I need something.'

I can't quite recall what brought it to mind; perhaps trying to find my old proofreading course notes and failing led my thoughts towards this point. 10 years ago (yes, an entire decade) I started a creative writing course. What with life, health, circumstance and simply a lack of life experience I halted after barely beginning. Then I went to college and studied Theology for three years (a fantastic experience, I might add). Over the past couple of years I have simply considered the writing course another unfinished failed project, which prodded me into more mopiness. (Mopiness = a state of moping. Not attractive, I assure you.)

Anyway, I looked up their website; these days of course there is a whole online community setup for students that didn't exist when I started (hark, in a minute I'll be muttering 'In my day...'). Suddenly feeling determined, I found the contact form and explained my situation. I didn't have much hope - although the course was open-ended 10 years is a long time, when I didn't even complete the 2nd assignment. Once I'd sent it, hope tickled at me despite myself; I was restless with hope - you know what I mean? It's agony and enjoyment at the same time...

Not long before the email arrived 'It's fine for you to come back on the course...' Ahhh, the delight! They advised me to purchase updated course materials but I'd predicted that - even the amount.

So. I have popped my cheque in the post and should receive the materials within the next week, I hope. I am determined to prioritise this and make a good effort; part of why I'm telling everyone is to aid motivation! I have been tidying up both physical and mental space...a kind of freshness at a re-beginning. Back to study and assignments! Yes I feel pretty rubbish physically. Frankly, I've decided - so what? - I shall do this anyway. I can't wait around waiting to get better, since I have no idea when that will be. This I can do - and now is the time to do it (and you can prod me occasionally, on a virtual level).

This morning I opened the cupboard and my proofreading course notes were right at the top. I'd searched high and low for them yesterday, before my slump-despair-help-prayer. Funny, that.

the need for open eyes

"Mark's done, Luke's begun, and Numbers is, well, just indescribable!"
Such is the subject heading of my email from Community of Readers this week, which sums things up quite nicely. Still keeping up to date, amazingly. Not fazed by Leviticus, handling Numbers - although it does get somewhat repetitive when it lists the exact same thing for each of the twelve tribes (or their representatives!).

While looking at Leviticus 20 some days back, I was particularly struck by verse 4, where it talks from verse 2-5 about those who sacrifice their children to Molech, and the penalty for it (death). But verse 4 for me stood out as it said 'and if the people of the land should ever close their eyes to them, when they give of their offspring to Molech...' (NRSV, italics mine), and do not deliver the penalty for it, they will be cut off from their people and the LORD will 'set his face against them'.

For some reason as I was reading the phrase 'close their eyes' really struck home. Turning a blind eye to such appalling acts results in their God 'setting his face against them' (NIV) and banishment from the chosen people. It is, in essence, a sin of omission. Ignoring the terrible act of others has its own consequences.

Of course, this is Old Covenant law and a specific situation and we need to place it all in context - but the principle stands, and should not be ignored. What do we 'close our eyes' to in today's world? When do we fail to act? What appalling situations do we hear of and yet make no attempt at response? What right do we have to profess ourselves Christ-followers and yet walk by on the other side?

It's not that we don't hear about these things. In our contradictory world we hear of the horrors one moment and are persuaded to buy the latest model-of-whatever the next. We inhabit a society gagged and bound by confusion and mixed messages, mass abuse and mass consumption.

Well might Lily Allen sing in The Fear :
'I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore
I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore...'

How many of God’s people today close their eyes to horrors going on around them? How many, intentionally or accidentally, ignore the horrific abuse of human by human? How often do we even really think about it, let alone take any action? Do we sigh, shake our heads, and then feel peckish and go get something out of the fridge to satisfy our appetites?

A kind of paralysis sets in as we cannot imagine how to make any effect, so we lose all movement. And meanwhile the horrors go on: people trafficking – (the modern slavery which is far more widespread than the institutional slavery in the time of Wilberforce), child pornography and abuse, torture, persecution, neglect, violence, rape. The list continues and wraps its blackened ribbon around a hurting world.

What will it take for paralysed people to open their eyes?

Today: 5/10, medium

...so Moses made them drink it

Am currently attempting to follow a 'read the bible in a year' programme, over at Community of Readers. I rather like this system, because an email is sent out with your weekly readings, plus advance notice of the following week. I print out the emails and use them as a 'tick off' list as I go through the passages. I find this much more motivating than simply sitting down and doing it myself. Even with a guide, there is no real interaction. By having it sent to me in chunks, it feels much more do-able.

I've now read Genesis, Job, Exodus, in the middle of Leviticus, Matthew, nearly finished Mark, and gradually also working through Proverbs and the Psalms. Am not as daunted by Leviticus as I might be, as I deliberately chose to grapple with it at one point a few years back, delving into it for meaning and looking up explanations of the stranger parts, and even preached a sermon entitled: 'I'm in Leviticus, get me out of here!'

As well as this, am still doing my in depth Genesis study, although certainly less frequently. I'm not going to have a guilt trip about it as long as I am doing some form of bible reading - I do well on a variety of approaches. Of course, am also working through Luke, with a few exceptions, over at Thirsty Ground - somewhat erratic with entries I admit, although I have managed one this morning.

Am also trying to write a reflection on the fig tree and the temple in Mark 11, for something someone at church is producing for Holy Week; the trouble is it is supposed to fit on one side of A5, which I am finding a bit of a struggle. I keep wanting to go into the mission of Israel, the mission of the Temple, and the mission of Jesus, but have to be pithy and rein myself back. I tend to like to go through difficult points in a passage and clarify them - so what I've written so far is too much already, and I still don't feel I've explained it all properly.

(By the way, did you know the Court of the Gentiles in Herod's temple was HUGE? According to one commentary I read it was thirty-five acres in size. I cannot quite get my head round this...it was the length of 5 football pitches.)

So, a few bible related projects on at the moment. Finding it interesting reading through the biblical passages. As always, I'm noticing things that I just didn't see before. Or perhaps I just wasn't paying attention. Like when Moses comes down from the mountain and sees the golden calf, he doesn't just throw his new stone tablets on the floor in rage and melt the golden calf down, but eventually makes the Israelites drink it. They had to drink the components of the idol they had made. Moses was certainly furious. For some reason this made me chuckle, as it had never really sunk in before.

Said as much to Andy.

He said,' Well, you get your Gold Blend, don't you?'

the unravelling

There was an alumni day at our old theological college yesterday, so we made our first visit since Andy had graduated (the year after I did). I am so very glad we went, although I found it an emotional experience. It started even before we got there, the aching familiarity of the roads and the places which signified we were nearly there, things I used to note delightedly on returning at the beginning of each term. Because it was such a formative place for me, such a beloved place, and although it wasn't always easy, it was always somewhere I was utterly real, and safe to be so. And so it began before we even got there, a kind of unravelling, as the familiarity of such a place stole over me and made me realise how weary I really was - all the way through - and I was fighting tears even then.

The talks given by former lecturers - no longer there now but familiar to us - tugged at me, in various ways. I remained in this tearful state off and on all day, simultaneously laughing at it, self conscious and embarrassed by it - and yet I don't think they were destructive, unhelpful tears. It was more like suddenly finding an old, familiar, utterly trustworthy friend and falling into their arms in relief for a while - utterly honest about where you've been and how you are feeling.

The fatigue has become such a dominant factor in life, and I have gone on stoically, because I have to, but so often it frustrates me. Yesterday this welled up - but turned into something gentler, healthier, in a moment of utter safety. This was the place which always managed to tenderly uncover my bruises - those known to me and those not known, and by the support of friends found, brought healing and a sense of discovery.

And the buzz of being back in an environment where I learned so much - and loved to learn so much! It reminded me, impacted me, reinvigorated me for study of that which used to inspire and challenge me. I expected not to feel the same old fit - I have changed, and so has the college, a different student body, some changes in lecturers (but so wonderful to see the ones that remain!), but instead I found myself feeling a perfect fit, going back and feeling the same old feeling of both comfort and challenge, safety and discovery. I'm hoping to carry this feeling on...not to lose it, but recapture a part of me which has been worn down, worn out, left behind and given up...and if that journey occasionally means my eyes fill with tears of relief, pain and joy all at once, so be it.



Yesterday: 5/10, medium
Today: 4/10, medium - high

the other blog

Is it me, or is fiddling about on the computer rather exhausting on a hot summer's evening?! A quick note for now to explain the existence of another blog,appearing on my profile. This was originally called 'All Who Are Thirsty' and appeared on another site. I have now, over a few days, transferred it to the blogger version, although I will still update the old one (if it lets me - it's been a bit temperamental lately) for the benefit of those who read it there and have requested to be notified.

It was, as it says, originally a tool to encourage me in bible study. Since then of course I have immersed myself in my Genesis adventure (using a good old fashioned paper (gasp!) journal, but would like to start adding entries once more - I amended the dates to when the original entries were written, and you can see how sporadic they were! Anyway, I hope you like it and I am happy to receive constructive comments. Hopefully seeing it on my blogger profile will remind me to write more regularly.

For general burble and blather, however, this is still the place to find me! Anyway I am hot and sticky (luvverly) and need to put my scanner away - rather unwieldy. Why does setting up these things take so long?!

potentiality

'Do you think you'll have reached Malachi by the time we retire?' asked Andy a couple of days ago. He was, of course, referring to my bible tour - currently still at Genesis 12.
'I can't think like that,' I confessed. I can't think of that in such a huge way. I need to enjoy it wherever I am on the journey.

I am enjoying it. Now that I've 'upped the intake' from twice weekly to daily it heightens my senses to the themes I'm reading about. I read the passage, make notes on it, read through the commentaries, making notes on anything that strikes me, and then may even scribble down further thoughts - a personal response, in a way, to all that I've studied. And I love it when I am suddenly struck by something.

I was reading the Brueggemann commentary and he was writing about Sarah's barrenness and lack of potentiality, saying: 'This God does not depend on any potentiality in the one addressed.' As sometimes happens with me, this opened a thought channel which I happily roared down... I've been thinking, even struggling, with ideas of potential fairly recently. Some struggle with what others consider lack of potential. others, having been told they have potential in what ever way, encounter limiting circumstances, or life being somewhat different than they imagined, and feel on some level they have lost something. That they have let themselves down.

I know sometimes I have worried that previous 'potential' I have had is lost. As Margaret Atwood says in her novel Cat's Eye, 'potential has a shelf life.' I was very struck with that line at the time because it was what I feared to be true. However, this morning I scribbled delightedly in my bible reading journal:

Our human ideas of potential and loss of potential lose their significance in the light of God's calling. Any potential or non-potential within ourselves is irrelevant when it is God who calls and when we put our faith and hope for the future in Him.

It doesn't matter, I thought. Not when God is in the picture. He is not foiled or fazed by my abilities or talents or amount of 'potential'.

I think we often carry little fears with us which wrap like bands around our minds. They prevent us from experiencing the true freedom of faith. But then when revelation comes, we hear a sound like splintering glass. Losing its grip and denied any strength, the fear falls to the ground and shatters into pieces.

Then we hear the sound of laughter.

And we realise it is our own.

Energy levels: 5/10
Headache: Medium

Yesterday: 4/10, low-medium

rebuilding the bicycle

I am finally moving past Genesis 1-11 in my current studies and beginning the Abraham narratives. I could carry on digging and discovering - I have commandeered most of the Genesis commentaries from Andy's office. I have a distinct advantage at having access to so many resources on a personal level; although I suspect as an individual I would have collected some of my own. Certainly there are some that I bought in our collective...er...collection. Together we have built up quite a library.
Anyway, I have left blank pages in my bible reading journal so that I can go back over things if I want.

Yesterday's entry and my studies remind me of what it felt like to study theology at college. Some of the most breathtaking discoveries were so simple, not complicated or complex matters but merely taking off the cultural lenses we don't realise we're wearing, or reading what the bible really says and not what we assumed it meant. It's not an easy process. I remember Mary Evans talking about the effect on faith - like taking a bicycle apart, polishing up the pieces, and putting back together. There is a point where everything is completely dismantled and you can't imagine it otherwise. But it does go back together - brighter, stronger - and much less brittle. It...bounces. (I think we have moved away from the bicycle analogy, since I have never met a bouncy bicycle.) Instead of continuously on the defense, it absorbs new challenges and new ideas, assessing them without feeling threatened by them. Changing shape, sometimes, because of them - and other times rejecting them and being unaffected.

Anyway. Have just watched Doctor Who. I like Donna. She's a strong and likeable character. Went slightly apoplectic with excitement at the return last week. I think this will be a good series. Now there's a change of subject for you.

Energy levels: 4-5/10
Headache: Medium - Low