a hint of the coming season

This morning, I heard spring.  I was placing a book on a shelf and heard the cheep of sparrows.  At the same time, a shaft of sunlight touched my cheek.  I don't what it was - the timbre of the sound, the softness of the air, but I felt a thrill of recognition.  Birds sing and cheep all through winter in our garden, but it felt different.  The bathroom window was wide open as I'd been cleaning; the breeze that drifted through held the promise of a whole new season.  It's only February, but today I heard spring.  I remembered what it felt like - the balm of the sunshine, the joy of the birds, the gentleness of the breeze.  I remembered that over the next few weeks, a change will take place.

On a somewhat more trivial level, it's still mucus manor in my neck of the woods, but I'm now on antibiotics.  Hopefully it will start clearing up in the next few days.  The congestion I can cope with, irritating as it is; it's that awful stinging pain that makes it so difficult.  Bending over to clean the bath this morning was excruciating.

I'm working on various bits of writing, at least as much as I can with my aching head and stinging face; this coming weekend I'm also leading the evening service (Communion & Healing) at church.  It's been a little while but I'm praying God will use my weakness (and weary sinuses!!) to be a blessing.

Yes I know it says 2009 on the photograph...the 2010 crocuses are yet to come!

thoughts on a New Year

New Year's Resolutions?

I don't tend to think of them as bullet points these days.

I have more a sense of...intention.  Determination.  Hope.

Seeking quietness of heart, thoughtfulness of mind,

an over-spilling of delicious creativity.

____

Note: 

Sadly I've had to disable anonymous comments for now - there was simply too much in the way of spam which was frustrating to moderate.  If you aren't a 'registered user', my apologies, but feel free to continue using Facebook (either on my profile if a friend, or via Networked Blogs) or Twitter to share your valued thoughts.

seasons and storms

The weather keeps dramatically shifting, from gales and squalls and torrential rain, then just as suddenly blows out and blue skies emerge...an hour later the clouds descend again.

It can be difficult to prepare for such extremes - what kind of coat do I need? Waterproof, windproof, warm or light? Which path should I take, and will it be muddy? Do I need thick socks or will my feet get too hot?

There have been times in life where it has felt like I have moved from one squall to the next. Not just for me, but for many. One lot of weather passes, and another sets in, before you can recover from the first, and prepare yourself for the next. You can find yourself in a completely different situation, needing a whole different set of tools and apparel.

Through times like this, we learn what our 'staples' are - in the sense of those things that are valuable and healthy and essential to keep us going whatever the weather, whatever the terrain.

For me these things include God and faith in him, hope, a sense of perspective. A gentle touch when others hurt. A firm touch when things need to change, or when I myself need a good self-talking to! Keeping my eyes on the light at the other side. All the more difficult when the light may not be visible...yet.

The sense I am not alone, that God is in the darkness with me. The sense that others, too, are dwelling in a similar darkness or storm, and that we can reach out to each other with understanding. The reminder that life is full of seasons.

I went through a very dark, isolated season which lasted at least 2 years, not that long ago. Now, I am aware of a quietness of heart and a renewing of strength. I have known the re-filling of hope. But what has remained with me is an understanding of that darkness and isolation. I may walk the path of hope, but there are so many who grapple with hopelessness.

I've been there. It's dark, and horrible. Your faith gets so thin you think it may break entirely. But you are not the only one. And you are not alone. Take the thread of your faith and entwine it with those of others. We can make it through.

By the grace of God, spring comes.

in my element

Am in one of my uber-determined moods, which usually bodes well - courage comes more easily, things are more likely to be achieved, hiccups are more manageable.

I've been doing writing-related work all morning, and am still enjoying the thrill of having it suddenly become a major part of life again. I feel utterly at home, scribbling, planning, researching. I even phoned a magazine this morning; at least I tried to - they were having problems getting used to a new switchboard and I accidentally got put through to a different magazine (under the same company). This caused much amusement all round, but resulted in my feeling much more relaxed about calling again. That's what happened when I phoned World Vision about Fragile World, if I remember. Make me laugh, and any tension melts away.

So I intend to pepper my days with smiles and in-jokes, even if I'm the only one who hears them. A light hearted touch at life with a good dose of appropriate sensitivity seems to result in constructive daily writing. It underlines this that I actually received a rejection this morning, but did not let it throw me. I merely altered my plan of action over that particular piece of work.

Hope - that is what I am still experiencing, sometimes almost torrential. When you have struggled with feeling hopeless for extended amounts of time, weeks, months, even years, it catches your breath. And it brings forth an automatic prayer of thanks.

So there you are - hope and laughter - together they bring that much needed smile to spur me on through the day.

keeping on going....

I keep forgetting I've changed my password. It gets me every time.

Worked on my assignment this afternoon. It's an article about being married to church ministry and it is definitely beginning to take shape. Plus I've already done some of the following assignment so that one should follow quite swiftly. Really enjoying this. Feel very buoyant most of the time at the moment, even when tired. Even when too tired to do anything, I turn things over in my mind and formulate new ideas.

I am shattered this evening however. The medication for my head also makes me feel bright but this can be a problem as I end up overdoing things energy wise. I must be careful. The doctor is weaning me off these and increasing the dose of another...if that has no effect I have to go to see the neurologist, what fun.

Plus I've got my eye appointment in November where they will try and identify what prism strength I'll require, as I think I've already mentioned. They put stickers on my glasses which, my optometrist tells me, 'look a bit odd'. Hah, I will walk around looking like some strange alien creature.... It's all good material, I suppose! I have to go on a train journey at the end of November and have to change trains a couple of times - if I'm wearing these sticky things there'll be a whole host of people giving me a curious, sidelong glance....

Even if it's annoying at the time, I tell myself, there'll be lots of anecdotes later. That's what I tell myself....

changing viewpoints

Having moments of real frustration with my headaches, especially as I am so enjoying my writing course. But of course bending over a piece of paper, reading, and looking at a document on the computer all aggravate my head when its in full-on ache mode.

I am seeing the doctor this afternoon; I don't really know what to tell her. However she was going to contact the neurologist for advice so it will be interesting to learn of anymore suggestions. I have my eye appointment at the hospital on Nov 9th, which I'm waiting for impatiently. I'm hoping that by sorting out the prism in my glasses and working out how much help my eyes need to work together, this will at least eliminate one headache factor.

In the meantime, I'm trying to build up my fitness by having short walks everyday and generally being a bit more active. Since my fatigue is not too bad at the moment (yay!) this is more do-able. I think it's worth making myself feel more healthy in other ways. Plus, in one fell swoop, I have signed off cakes, biscuits, chocolate and such like in an attempt to really help my body sort itself out. It sounds drastic, but I know in order to decrease something in my diet, I have to go cold turkey for a while. I've even decreased the amount of bread I eat (hard for someone who adores toast!). When I get the nibbles (I have the nibbles a lot) I put my hand in the fridge and pull out....a bunch of grapes.

Having the writing course seems to have motivated me in so many different ways. My life feels more structured (I've even drawn up a loose weekly timetable), and full of possibilities. Strangely enough, I am so grateful that I did give it up a decade ago...simply so I can take it up now - when I'm so much more aware of who I am. It goes to show, what we think are failures can bear fruit later - and we simply don't see the big picture. So often looking at circumstances in my life from one viewpoint is in fact misleading - as time passes and circumstances shift, suddenly there is a hint of shining purpose.

Even so, I could do without the headaches please!! :)

updating...on me

Ah, me. A little behind with blogging. Still battling with headaches - yesterday afternoon appalling; I'm limiting time on computer. Do need to type up some assignments however. Very much enjoying the course, and surprisingly full of ideas. Long may they continue to flow!

About to enter my 3rd decade but not particularly worried about the fact. Being the youngest of 5, I would never get away with making a fuss about it (in the negative sense) anyway! For me it feels like a fresh start, and I feel incredibly positive. A new decade, with new goals and new adventures.

Hopefully I will be back to blogging a bit more frequently soon, in between other bits of writing. But I have to say those 'other bits' are my priority for now. I have converted my crafting table into a writing desk...

I do wish the headaches would disappear but in the meantime I shall do what I can. At least I seem to be managing the tiredness reasonably well (but it's never good to make that assumption too much - makes me complacent and then I overdo it!).

I'm not reading many blogs due to my head so apologies if you haven't had any foolish comments recently. Hopefully this bit of patter will make up for it a little...

re-beginnings

The last couple of days have seen me go from slump to surge of positivity - despite still battling the eternal headache, plus the nausea from an increase of medication (which is supposed to ease the headache, hmm). Yesterday morning I simply felt miserable, wanting to be able to do something, I can't quite explain it. Simply feeling ill all the time and feeling unable to contribute to our life together (Andy will disagree on this point but I can't help feeling it sometimes!) brings me down. I spent most of the morning trying to research possibilities and in the end was even less hopeful than the start. I simply prayed: 'God, I need something.'

I can't quite recall what brought it to mind; perhaps trying to find my old proofreading course notes and failing led my thoughts towards this point. 10 years ago (yes, an entire decade) I started a creative writing course. What with life, health, circumstance and simply a lack of life experience I halted after barely beginning. Then I went to college and studied Theology for three years (a fantastic experience, I might add). Over the past couple of years I have simply considered the writing course another unfinished failed project, which prodded me into more mopiness. (Mopiness = a state of moping. Not attractive, I assure you.)

Anyway, I looked up their website; these days of course there is a whole online community setup for students that didn't exist when I started (hark, in a minute I'll be muttering 'In my day...'). Suddenly feeling determined, I found the contact form and explained my situation. I didn't have much hope - although the course was open-ended 10 years is a long time, when I didn't even complete the 2nd assignment. Once I'd sent it, hope tickled at me despite myself; I was restless with hope - you know what I mean? It's agony and enjoyment at the same time...

Not long before the email arrived 'It's fine for you to come back on the course...' Ahhh, the delight! They advised me to purchase updated course materials but I'd predicted that - even the amount.

So. I have popped my cheque in the post and should receive the materials within the next week, I hope. I am determined to prioritise this and make a good effort; part of why I'm telling everyone is to aid motivation! I have been tidying up both physical and mental space...a kind of freshness at a re-beginning. Back to study and assignments! Yes I feel pretty rubbish physically. Frankly, I've decided - so what? - I shall do this anyway. I can't wait around waiting to get better, since I have no idea when that will be. This I can do - and now is the time to do it (and you can prod me occasionally, on a virtual level).

This morning I opened the cupboard and my proofreading course notes were right at the top. I'd searched high and low for them yesterday, before my slump-despair-help-prayer. Funny, that.

dancing partners

Who is your most regular dancing partner?

I had an inherent shyness as a child which morphed into sheer self-consciousness as a teen. I masked it by a kind of deliberate silliness, directing attention away from myself and onto another, not entirely real, persona. So much of the time I was dancing with fear. These days I have a more balanced approach to dealing with such twinges of shyness and self-consciousness, something more of a realistic approach to dealing with fears and anxieties – but they are not entirely absent; I have to swallow hard and overcome them. Sometimes it is very difficult. (It’s hard to explain to someone who has never struggled with the feeling of self-consciousness – that literal shrinking inside of you, begging to be elsewhere).

We all have factors in our lives which we deal with regularly. Things which lead us on a dance we do not like, filling up our dance cards until there is simply no room for anyone else. These factors can be anything: fear, worry, bitterness, anger, addiction, or very specific things that only we (& God) know about. They take their toll on us. I have learned from my experience with Chronic Fatigue that even confidence requires energy – on a physically bad day, overcoming that innate self-consciousness is much, much harder. And tiredness, of course, makes us more susceptible to these things – it makes me more susceptible to fear’s advances. And these advances, of course, tire me further.

It’s good to have a realistic view of these things in our lives, to acknowledge their presence – to note what inflames them or makes them more difficult to overcome. In this way we can learn to manage our ‘dance card’ better. Personally, I want to dance a different dance.

I want love to be my constant interrupter:
can I cut in?

For love is the nemesis of fear, overcoming those ‘twinges’ with a greater reality. In its true form, love is stronger, bigger, more powerful. I need no longer feel self-conscious because I am simply not dwelling on myself at all. I wish to reach the point when I am compelled to dance only by the love of Christ, nothing less.

I’m longing for the day when all the negative things inside me are ejected from the dance floor forever. When I will no longer know in part, but know fully the one who loves me and leads me on the greatest dance of all. When everything falls into it’s rightful place, placed into perfect perspective.

And I shall dance and dance and dance…
…and never, ever, tire.

***

Picture credit: 'Dance at Bougival' by Pierre-Auguste Renoir (1841-1919), Public Domain image

and so today

and so today
they think that hope is dead
when it is merely dormant
waiting
for tomorrow

on this day

on this day
may hope rise out of forgotten places
as spring emerges from the depths of winter
may joy scatter its petals on your hearts
and faith hold up your arms

on this day
may love caress the aching scars
and ease the hidden pains you carry
allowing you to nestle in the care
of your one protector

on this day
may radiance transform your faces
and sink deep, soul deep, beneath the skin
encouraging you to believe that life
will be beautiful yet

the Shepherd's voice

Wrote this some time ago and it has been on the computer doing nothing. Thought might share it here, in case it was helpful for someone.

Sometimes God feels absent. He seems silent.

Long absences and a lack of communication feed insecurity and pave the way for other voices. You can be deceived into thinking someone doesn't love you. You take their silence to mean rejection; when you cannot see them you lack assurance. Weakness and tiredness make us even more susceptible to doubt. You can imagine the most outrageous unfaithfulness, forgetfulness, or become convinced that you cannot possibly be love-able.

And then you hear the voice of one who loves you. Love which reverberates through every syllable; love that can't be denied. When God feels absent it takes an effort to remember the last time we heard his voice or sensed his presence. But he is always faithful, never forgetful.

When the sheep hear the shepherd's voice, they know it. All other voices are exposed for what they really are. The shepherd does not desert his sheep when the wolves of terror appear, when doubt breaks into the fold, when fear snaps at the heels of the lambs. He does not walk away from the sheep that, in straying too far, has become ensnared by thorns. Rather, he de-tangles the sheep from her prison and carries her safely home.
(John 10:1-15)

Today: 4/10, medium

the springtime effect

There's something about opening your eyes in the morning and knowing from the colour of your world that the sun is out. It was a wet and windy night, so the sunlight feels even more precious. It lights me up on the inside, not just the outside. I find it soothes my weariness and any anxieties, causing a certain relaxation to flood through me; even as I go about my day working on this and that, I feel a kind of release.

The snowdrops are going over now. February is over and March has arrived! I made it through winter and here comes spring! The daffodils are budding in the front garden, brimming with promise, and the crocuses stretch gleefully towards the sun (like me!)

I was rather pleased with the crocus picture I posted on Monday; apart from the watermark and compressing the file size what you see is what was taken, the same with the images in this post - no later changes or tweaking to the images. I love the sight of these tiny flowers peppering the dull ground with the vibrant colour of hope; they awaken the tiny flowers of hope in my heart's garden, inspiring me to thankfulness and expectation of joy.

Mmm mmm (said appreciatively). Oh yes, spring is beginning and however I physically feel, my heart always rises to meet it...

Today: 4/10, medium

shafts of light

To me, it seems, this is what hope looks like. Am struggling a little with feeling so grotty all the time; trying to be content with my circumstances and sometimes succeeding...sometimes, not. It becomes difficult, after such a long time, to imagine things will get better - that I will get better. I don't mean that in a self-pitying way but simply that, after struggling with this for over half my life, it naturally becomes harder to imagine ever being without it. I would be happy with improvement, not cure. I would be happy to be in a 'good patch' not a bad one. Stamp this picture on my heart and let it grow...to see it in the distance would be enough.

Today: 3/10, high

5 things I have learned about life

• closing your eyes to something doesn't mean it doesn't exist

• releasing your grip on your dreams is sometimes the only way they can fly

• hope has healing properties

• there is always something you can do

• courage is a response to fear, not a lack of fear

Today: 3/10, medium

Yesterday: 3/10, medium high

hope

The latest Salt Challenge is on hope, which I very much wanted to do, as hope is something I often ponder.


Like faith and love, hope is directional. We hope for something, we hope in something, we are hopeful about something. There is sense that it is not entirely to do with the present, but something beyond it. Hope often expresses itself in the future tense.

But often the future is blurred to us; it is unknown. Therefore when we place our hope in something it is heavily linked to trust - we are ascribing to this thing, or this person, a reliability, a trustworthiness, an ability to do what we can't. Hope believes that life will not always remain as it is, whether on the small scale of days and weeks, or on a larger scale. Hope looks towards something.


When I place my hope in God I am saying - it is He who holds my past, present and future. And nothing is impossible for Him.

A few more thoughts on hope can be found in this entry.

Today: 4/10, medium
Yesterday: 3/10, medium

when the day comes

when the day comes
all that hinders
will fall away
like a shedding skin

and the eagle will rise

when the day comes
all will be mended
and re-formed
into utter lightness

and the eagle will rise

when the day comes
the heart's fetters
will break open
and crumble to dust

and the eagle will rise

and may she soar
on wings unbroken
utterly alive
utterly free
utterly whole

may she glide
may she dream
may she live

when the day comes

waiting for hope

waiting for hope
to touch me -
darting round me -
to console me
and lift my head

waiting for hope
to cover me -
wrapping round me -
to comfort me
and warm my heart

waiting for hope

just waiting

hope in the dark

"Hope...is a gift. Like life, it is a gift from God, total, unexpected, incomprehensible, undeserved. It springs out of nothingness, completely free. But to meet it, we have to descend into nothingness. And there we meet hope most perfectly, when we are stripped of our own confidence, our own strength, when we almost no longer exist." - Thomas Merton

It has been my experience that both hope and faith can spring from a place of empty despair and tears. When clinging so fiercely to my last threads of faith I have felt as if my fingers have given way and I reached the point when I dropped away from that which I clung to so desperately. And then, landing in the bottom of the pit, reduced to complete and utter honesty about where I was and who I was - God has said 'Ah. There you are.' And looking up, I realise that for all my struggles to keep myself from falling, he was there all the time, right at the bottom of the pit. Stripped of everything, I at last perceived him. Not that this realisation made everything spangly and wonderful, but it did constitute a major turning point for me at one stage over the last few years.

I often need to remind myself of this lesson - that I don't need to rely on the strength of my own fingers - that when I thought I was slipping from God's hands, in reality I was falling into them.

Energy levels: 5-6/10
Headache: medium, progressing to high